Why did she flick my nose?

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Last night I went to a house party in another town with my girlfriend. It was a small party of 7 people. They were all my girlfriend's friends. The Host was her best friend and her boyfriend. The best friend, S, really gets on my nerves sometimes. She seems to treat me like I am in competition with her over my girlfriend. I am particularly known for saying things that are awkward, unusual, and inappropriate. Only my girlfriend knows I am autistic. Her friend has smacked/punched me in the past for saying things.

At the party, we were playing cards against humanity. We had been drinking. I accidentally knocked my empty beer can over and put it back on the table. My girlfriend made a snide remark, but was being playful. I responded playfully by sliding the beer cans in front of her. S looked at me and told me to throw my own beer cans away and she was kind of nasty about it. It made me upset. So I glared at her. She flicked me on the nose which made me very angry, so I continue to glare. She flicked me again and I said "Flick me on the nose again." She reached to do it and my girlfriend stopped her and said that's not a good idea. Her boyfriend made a gesture and shook his head like he was going to hit me. I won the next round, but I was about to have an outburst, so I left and went for a walk.

When I came back, I had to explain what happened and apologize. I was extremely embarrassed and upset. Still am. I stuck around for the rest of the night, somewhat enjoyed myself and we ended up staying the night.

This is not the first time this has happened, and I am sick and tired of being placed in these kinds of situations. I don't know why people act like that or treat me that way. I have had this kind of thing happen to me since I was a kid. I don't know what to do. It seems to come across as me having an alcohol or anger issue, but for me it is about respect, personal space, and boundaries. Can anyone relate? Does anyboyd have advice for me?

Isn't it weird how jealous NTs can act around autistic people, and sometimes we don't even know why they might be jealous? The whole competition thing ... Doesn't make sense to me. We all have talents and good points, and why are friends so possessive?

Anyways, you handled the situation better than I probably would have. You went out for a walk and were able to calm down. Good for you.

Another nasty point about this is that it's a female acting out physically against you in an inappropriate way, and since you're male, it wouldn't look right for you to physically defend yourself. I certainly wouldn't want to be around somebody like that. She is definitely not a friend.

...

why did you ask her to flick you on the nose after she had already done it? were you trying to see if she would do it again, tempting? (or did you secretly like it)
if you have an anger issue, at least you do know how to blow off steam by leaving to take a walk, that's good.

eh, alcohol. i've had people so similar things, 'cept none of them were drunk really.

Your glaring at her threatened her power over you so she was trying to once again prove that she was the superior being.
As for the jealous part it could just be a potential jealousy issue where her best friend is in a relationship and all the attention is going to you and not her.

I would work on setting boundaries with her by not giving hints or striking back but letting her know that you need to be treated with respect.

I did not like being flicked on the nose. It made me really mad because of sensory problems and I felt like it was very belittling. I don't know what to do when people hit me like that. Apparently the right response is to tell the person to stop, according to my girlfriend, but it doesn't make sense. I think if a person is already hitting you, telling them to stop isn't enough. I feel like you have to intimidate the person so they are nervous about doing it again. So I challenged her to do it again and I made a scene out of it. Nobody liked it, but nobody hit me again. They realized I am not going to tolerate that. Then everybody was mad because that was not socially appropriate. I don't understand how flicking me on the nose was ever appropriate, though.

It seems like I have conflict whenever someone who is not a superior to me tries to act like they have power over me. I do not have problems when I recognize my superiors, like at work. Why do these people think they are superior? Why do I get treated like a criminal for responding in defense?

I think telling them to stop is enough, but you have to be taken seriously. Demand respect but without being overbearing. Making a scene will only get you disliked and resented, both which could be bad in the long run.

You told her to flick your nose again and in defiance of your true meaning she did. That tactic backfired, apparently.

Does this girl invade your personal space often?

They all sound pretty immature to be honest. Probably best to get you girlfriend to talk to her, because if they don't agree then they are unlikely to want to hang out. Also there no obligation for you hang out with them regardless. You don't need to share friends.

However next time you need to politely make clear that you personal space is your own.

Personally I would add that I belief that men a women should be treated equally, so if you are assaulted by a women not to expect special treatment.

Actually she did not flick my nose again, but she seemed like she might have. And at least her boyfriend and my girlfriend saw the true meaning. So I am sure she did, too.

She has hit me every single time I have been around her. I really don't want to be around her anymore. I told my girlfriend I don't like her, but I respect that it is her best friend.

Just don't react to that kind of BS. I mean, you really shouldn't be getting attacked by your girlfriend's best friend. That's bizarre.

Ah ok. I thought she had flicked your nose again.

What an annoying situation to find yourself in!

Yep, it was a pick and flick adventure. I am going to start referring to her as "the booger".

so annoying!


i hope your (bluegill's) girlfriend talks to her friend, and more importantly, hope it goes well.
lol, booger. why booger? were there boogers?

This is a clear pattern of abuse. It is inappropriate behaviour in anyone, and there is no excuse for it. For some perspective on this, try asking yourself what would happen if you were to hit another person each time they came near you. I'm sure you can imagine that this would not end well.

You can choose not to be around your girlfriend's best friend - or any other person with whom she is associated, who has made a habit of abusing you in any way. You are under no obligation to share all of her relationships. Most couples have some overlap, but some distance in a relationship can be healthy.

Your decision to show respect and acceptance of your girlfriend's right to have her own friends is healthy, appropriate, and mature. You are not responsible for, nor can you control the choices others make, be they appropriate or not.

This sounds like a long build up of tension that was exacerbated by alcohol.
In the end, I commend you for getting up and taking a walk.

The best friend is jealous. She probably doesn't like the amount of time you take her friend from her. It doesn't sound like she likes you much, either. She also doesn't sound like a very pleasant person.

She flicked you on the nose because she didn't like what you did with the beer cans (I cannot tell why from the information given.)
At this point, you could have just blown it off. Laughed, shrugged shoulders, etc. Basically communicate "whatever. You can flick my nose, but I'm a bigger person than you and won't give you the satisfaction of a getting a reaction out of me."
Instead, you glared at her. This was a challenge.
She took you up on it. You could have diffused the situation again, but instead glared again and then verbally challenged her by saying "Flick me again."
This only increased the tension and made the situation MUCH worse.
So, she reached to flick you again.
(I am sure that alcohol contributed to both of you reacting to each other instead of diffusing the situation.)
Your GF stopped her. RIGHTFULLY.
She probably knew if you got flicked again, the situation could be VERY BAD.
The boyfriend shook his head at you because you did make the situation worse with your verbal challenge.
And if the friend had flicked you a third time and you had reacted physically, he would have had to intervene physically. My guess is he was preparing for the worst.

I do NOT think that people were condoning her behavior and communicating that it was OK to flick you. I think they knew she was in a foul mood and probably drunk, and their not saying anything was an attempt to not piss her off and make things worse. By staying quiet, I think they were trying to diffuse the situation and expected you also to do the same. You missed the cues and (understandably) took the flick as a personal affront. Instead of blowing it off, you took the bait and got mad.

This girl was not right to flick you, and it sounds like she had other reasons for getting mad about the beer can incident. I cannot begin to guess what they were. While I think that alcohol consumption made this particular situation worse, it sounds like you and she have some underlying conflict. If she is the only one that aggravates you like that, I would say to try and avoid her. But if many people can get you upset like that, I would talk to a counselor about learning some strategies in how to blow things off and not let people get to you.

I think it was very smart of you to go for a walk. I don't understand why your girlfriend's friend felt she needed to say anything about the beer cans like she was defending your girlfriend or something? It doesn't sound like you were doing anything wrong. And flicking the nose? That is stupid. She shouldn't be touching you in anyway.

As I was reading this I couldn't help but think that there were several opportunities for both you and her to stop the situation from escalating any further, but you both kept going until your girlfriend intervened. It's like you said, like the two of you are in a competition or something. If you are in a situation like that again try to be aware of what you are doing and aim to end the confrontation. I know that the friend is adding to it, but you can't change what she does you can only change what you do. I think it would also help if your girlfriend talks to her friend about it and tells her that the way she is acting is inappropriate. I know that if MY friend was constantly starting issues with my girlfriend I would stop spending so much time with that friend and have a serious talk with her about how I don't like the way she is acting towards my girl.



I think since this is something that has happened to you throughout your life maybe that is partly why you react the way you do towards this friend because those memories come back to you? It's possibly your way of trying to right what happened to you in the past. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. People can be annoying. The only thing I can suggest is finding some way to talk about how you feel.