Accurate Feedback on Apperance From Friends and Family

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As an adolescent at times I would shift from anger to crying as I looked in the mirror and cursed myself for being so ugly. I would see other young males getting girlfriends left and right and I was lucky if they did anything more than giggle and walk away if I approached them. My supposed friend when I tried to ask him in a very roundabout way about my appearance called me warthog and continued with that for several years. My mother of course had to say I was handsome as that is what mothers and aunts do.
This continued until I started college, that is when through contacts I discovered I was not only not ugly, i was movie star good looking, I was good looking enough that women have questioned why I was trying to date them because guys like me don't go out with girls like them. Now in face book age I have communicated with high school classmates and found out that they perceived me as extremely handsome and aloof. The disconnect I experienced I feel is probably more common than we think. I think it is critical that youngsters on the spectrum have someone that they can trust that can give them feedback that is accurate on appearance and manner of dress as well as on academic issues. I had neither and I can only imagine what my life would be today if had that kind of support. I really would like to know other folks thoughts and experiances

I always believed I was ugly too. How I wish I had understood 40 years ago that I was on the attractive side of average.

But as far as accurate feedback, well, that's always going to be objective, plus we can easily discount an opinion as being biased, self-serving, etc.

I never truly had an accurate idea of my physical attractiveness.

My self-esteem lookwise was never low but leaning towards the negative end, specifically body image issues.

I was unfit and out iof shape throughout most of high school ('skinny-fat') so I felt my pudgy kind of body was unattractive. I went to unhealthy lengths to lose weight (over-cardio, mild starvation/fasting).

This year I genuinely started working out/eating healthy and have an at least average body that I'm far more satisfied with than I used to be.

Anyway lookswise e.g. facial features I always had a more positive outlook always considering myself at least average.

Overall I'd rate myself a 6.5 and I'm satisfied with this, 7 at my best.

But I have no accurate opinions from others. From the opposite sex, I've gotten some attention with most often being commented as 'cute'.

Even if I have good self-esteem, I wouldn't say it's always a good thing - I'm so worried my actual attractiveness might be lower than it really is, that I would never dare ask anyone for any sort of feedback. I'm happy believing what I am to be correct and realistic.

I will never find out whether I was handsome or not. Many girls said I was very attractive, but it doesn't mean that that was true. My attempts to date were an utter failure and now I don't really believe I am able to date with a woman.

Yet women, especially young women often make eye contact with me. I will never understand why they do. I will only believe that I look 15 years younger than I really am: I am almost 50 years old, but I look 35.

If I am that attractive as they say, I would have had more relationships and dating experience. Otherwise - like it is now - it is just a saying, not necessarily true. Women are not supposed to make things easy for men, and cerainly not for shy and autistic men.

Possibly, people say others are attractive, just in order not to insult them by telling the truth. Are they really attractive, or are they not, and therefore they are lied at by others?

That speaks to the heart of the problem. Adolescent aspies need a trusted source of feedback, accurate feedback someone that is a mentor in other areas too such as academics. A person that can serve voluntarily or otherwise to be a life coach. When I think of the s**t I have gone through in life that all could have been avoided if I had such a mentor it drib=ves me to want to find away to help others within my limitations.

At least speaking for myself, the way a man looks doesn't have a lot to do with his actual face or physique. It's more the way he carries himself, dresses, and then most important, what he says and does.

Back when I first met my husband in 1994, he was wearing the most ridiculous outfit I'd ever seen. It was carefully crafted to be as random as possible, with different patterns and styles that didn't go together. I found that bold and intriguing. And he seemed to know everything. Such a bold and fascinating person wouldn't possibly notice me. Luckily, I mentioned to a girl friend who mentioned to one of his friends that I liked him and he tracked me down and called me. Back in the olden days when regular people didn't have the Internet!

You never know what the other person is thinking. If my husband hadn't made the first move, I wouldn't have. He seemed way too good for me, and I didn't want to embarrass myself.

But what if you husband was as he was but thought he was ugly because of bad feedback or no feedback from others that are honest. If he was an aspie with a large social phobia component he might have had a great deal to overcome in his mind to speak to you. Or he may have under developed or impaired social skills. It seems that you may have closed the distance but some women will not do that. What could a person that was aspie and otherwise a twin of your husband do if he was a history savant but had zero social skills, if he was your brother what would you say to him?

I think everyone thinks they're a warthog in jr/high school. And giving true feedback on a friend's appearance is hard - the fact that they're my friend, that I like them, makes them more attractive.

I can only be completely objective re: looks of a stranger.

The absolute most attractive feature in ANYONE is confidence.

Now, I know it's hard to get from here (not at all confident) to there (so confident that people sit up and take notice). My only advice is improve what you can - grooming, clothing, posture - and otherwise, work on being the kind of person you can like.

BeaArthur that is the kind of feedback I needed in high school and I would like to see all of our little progeny get. I fear that they are not. I am trying to find away I can mentor to kids that way but I am stuck in the boat/castle/house paralyzed by social phobia. What I can do though is try to get folks interested and go from there, first though I am trying to see if this is that much of an issue for many young aspies or was I just weird.

CaitlynConner My issue was not my thinking I was a warthog, and perhaps all kids feel that way, my issue was having so called friends tell me that when it was so far from the truth.

Is there external confirmation that you were, in fact, movie star handsome in HS? Is there a reason you didn't ask another friend for an opinion of your looks? How, exactly, does one go about contacting old acquaintances and getting them to say they thought you were hot way back when?

(I've never heard a drop-dead gorgeous person refer to themselves as such, so I'm a wee bit skeptical. Being incredibly awkward in HS can also offset rather a lot of good looks).

CaitlynConner

I think I must be clear. I don't care what I look like then or now. I care that youngsters do not have to go thru pain that can do harm to the lives permanently. If I was porcine or not does not matter, if I look like a nightmare now does not matter what matters is
1.do a lot of people have this kind of experience growing up
2. if the did what was the ultimate impact
3. what did they do to ameliorate the impact if they did something
4. what do they think would help youngsters today in the same situation.

Or in the alternative,

5. Did I waste my time by trying to discuss this and should I end my participation

I need an emoticon pulling hair out

1. Some kids probably get told they're ugly by a so-called friend when they aren't. This will probably continue to happen, sometimes. It'll always happen, sometimes.

The bigger issue isn't so much whether their friend is lying about them looking like a warthog so much as to why a kid would take it on faith that they ARE a warthog, without asking somebody not related to them by blood for a second opinion. Or, like, posting their pic on Hot or Not.

2. + 3. I don't think you can ameliorate the impact.

4. Getting a second, third and fourth opinion before internalizing the fact that they look like a warthog. In the case of kids who aren't movie star handsome/gorgeous (i.e. 99% of kids), encouraging them to make the best of the looks they've got (i.e. proper hygiene, well-fitting clothes they're comfy in, flattering haircut, etc).

Here you go.