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C2V
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14 Jan 2016, 8:44 pm

I think some people here have to experience too.
Recently, I've been trying to make an effort to form friendships again. I have been making the effort with a few people I met at a group. One is autistic, the others are neurotypical. But with all of them, it seems like it is me making all the effort and making all the moves, and they don't reciprocate. I'm the one sending texts, enquiring how they are doing on a casually regular basis, suggesting we meet up, making sure I am at the groups so we might run into each other and talk, etc. But it's going nowhere.
These are people I share some fundamental commonalities with, including autism, shared spiritual beliefs, similar areas of study, similar interests, the same focus groups, similar (alternative) gender and sexuality identifications, etc. One would assume we could form friendships.
But it just seems as if I'm the only one interested, or making any effort. Now, it may well be that despite compatible circumstances they just don't like me personally and this is the subtle hint to communicate that, and I've just been missing both the fact they they don't like me and the hints in their behaviour. It would probably be weird to straight out ask, and I doubt they would answer honestly, even though that would be very helpful to me. I would not be offended, just informed, so I can stop trying to form friendships with those people and pursue it elsewhere instead.
How do you all respond of you are making an effort to strike up a friendship with someone and they don't seem to be returning it? Would you assume they're just busy a d have other things going on in life, or would you recognise this as social hinting that they don't want to form friendships with you and stop bothering with those people, perhaps move on?


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Earthling
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14 Jan 2016, 8:48 pm

No reciprocation? Move on, yes.



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18 Jan 2016, 7:33 am

Wow that is the story of my life! I do the same thing, always the one texting, commenting, sending messages etc etc etc and people just do not respond, or respond after a very long time. I think the best thing to do is to move on from them to something else, and if you see them still be nice, but no more efforts.
Take care :)


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Mobers
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18 Jan 2016, 9:33 am

Sometimes people just accept that their role in a relationship is that of receiver and they don't bother to try to change it, assuming that you're comfortable in your role. You could stop trying to contact them and see if they pick up the slack, or even let them know that you aren't sure if you should keep trying to contact them or not and see how they respond, since you don't have much to lose. They may feel that it would be "mean" to be honest with you, but if you let them know how you feel and they don't change their behavior to show effort, that's probably all the answer you need.

Of course it is possible that the people you are trying to befriend are lacking social skills and can't hold up their end of things, but do appreciate your attempts. A more direct approach could get you answers in that case, as at least they might be more likely to be honest, so perhaps asking point blank is the way to go.



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19 Jan 2016, 6:04 am

I think the above advice (everyone) is sound. It's just confusing - one person in particular responds to my texts after a bit of a time lag, and is always responding with "I'd love to catch up sometime!" But never does. And it is never them suggesting we meet up, a time or place, or them contacting me. I don't know, I'd just feel like I was pushing them if I was the one always making the move, suggesting we meet up and making the times and places, and them just responding and actually getting nowhere. The enthusiasm to meet up may not be sincere, a la "we should totally catch up sometime!" Often isn't. It's just something people say to be polite. I left it open so they could add where and when they'd supposedly love to catch up, but got no response.
Social interactions are not easy for me. I need a bit of equal effort here. I'm done being the one carrying the weight. If they ever text me and there was a bit of a two way street going on, I'd be more inclined to believe it's genuine. With this communication style, not so much. I'm still interested in making connections and have had some good discussions with less obviously compatible people (one of which actually text me and invited me out) so I think I will turn my attentions there instead.


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Alexithymia - 147 points.
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