How to ask a female friend to hang out?

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Outrider
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27 Dec 2015, 5:32 am

I'm a 17 year old male and recent high school graduate.

Since the end of high school I've spiralled into a deeper depression than my mild depression in the past. I was always lonely even in high school and it's worse now.

All my good friends live in other cities (use to live in the same place as them before moving) and my girlfriend recently dumped me so I have nothing.

For a month now I've been trying to find things to do in my rubbish town but there is almost nothing. Everything is too expensive or rubbish anyway.

The only real place I can go to meet people is by hanging out at the mall/shopping centre as often as possible (desperate, I know).

Another method is to contact old friends from back at school.

The problem is the majority were female and I have to ask them if they want to hang out in a way that does not sound like a date because that's not what I want at all. The first girl specifically I only see fully as a friend.

I have created a generic message and just need to fill in the blanks at 'X' and this is it:

"Hi X. This might seem like a very sudden and forward thing to say, but I was wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime to do something.

It was nice back at school in X and X class and whatever and you were really cool to have conversations with.

But I never got to know you that well and would kind of like to, that’s why I’m sending this message right now.

It would be a great idea to bring any other friends you have to hang out, even if I don’t know them too well - I’d love to be meeting new people right now and the more the merrier I guess.

I’ll be honest and say I won’t be able to bring anyone, though I wish I could - I just haven’t really contacted/had anything to do with anyone back from high school, and my other good friends mostly live out of town.

I’m not sure what to do but something more conversation-oriented would be cool to be able to properly catch-up and all that. I’m not really good at conversation but I’m sure there’d be enough to talk about.

So, what do you say?"

I need to know if this is okay. In the message I clearly say it does not have to be one-on-one and call it a hangout, never do I say it's a date or imply it has to be one-on-one.

I didn't say 'Would you like to grab a coffee' either because that sounds date-like, so I said something more 'conversation-oriented' to be vague.

Please dn't instantly be dismissive and say 'it's hopeless, don't bother'. I just want to hang out with old friends from high school, and 90% of them happened to be female.

I will send this exact same message to my male friends as well, if I can even think of one. The only guy that was anywhere close appears to have either blocked me on facebook, or deleted his account.

I don't know why he would do that, I'm starting to thiink he and his girlfriend found out something bad I did or said about them (because I did from time-to-time even if they were my friends - I'm an a55h•le sometimes, I admit it) because his girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with me either, and I was good friends with her.

I brought this on myself, so don't give me any sympathy.

But I still need a way/advice on how to contact old female friends from high school.



Drawyer
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27 Dec 2015, 5:59 am

Outrider wrote:
"Hi X. This might seem like a very sudden and forward thing to say, but I was wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime to do something.

It was nice back at school in X and X class and whatever and you were really cool to have conversations with.

But I never got to know you that well and would kind of like to, that’s why I’m sending this message right now.

It would be a great idea to bring any other friends you have to hang out, even if I don’t know them too well - I’d love to be meeting new people right now and the more the merrier I guess.

I’ll be honest and say I won’t be able to bring anyone, though I wish I could - I just haven’t really contacted/had anything to do with anyone back from high school, and my other good friends mostly live out of town.

I’m not sure what to do but something more conversation-oriented would be cool to be able to properly catch-up and all that. I’m not really good at conversation but I’m sure there’d be enough to talk about.

So, what do you say?"
So..you're going to message this message to her? It seems too long.


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nerdygirl
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27 Dec 2015, 6:04 am

I would not send that message right now.
I have some questions before giving any advice.
Do you have *any* contact with these girls right now, even on Facebook or other social media or would you be contacting them out of the blue?
Did you hang out with these girls outside of school when you were in school together?
Have they ever initiated a conversation with you, either in person or on the phone or a chat on FB, anything?



Drawyer
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27 Dec 2015, 6:05 am

You can try just "Hey?" then see how she responds. :D
And leave here how she responded then, somebody here would try to give some ideas in real time..


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Outrider
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27 Dec 2015, 7:44 am

Yes, probably the better idea to build-up to it.

Some of them I did message here and there and also hang out with at the lunch breaks in the past along with conversations in class all the time but it didn't go beyond that.

Still, it's a very awkward position.

I just want friends to hang out with and heck if they know anyone new I could meet they could even introduce me to them because in my current city there is no options.

I actually have been looking up places to go, events, etc. for at least a month.

My only options are the shopping centres/malls, the local pool (when I go with family + it's expensive) and volunteer work.

New problem is, how to start messaging a girl without looking like you're trying to pick-her-up?



Aspie1
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30 Dec 2015, 3:29 pm

Outrider wrote:
I'"Hi X. This might seem like a very sudden and forward thing to say, but I was wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime to do something.

It was nice back at school in X and X class and whatever and you were really cool to have conversations with.

But I never got to know you that well and would kind of like to, that’s why I’m sending this message right now.

It would be a great idea to bring any other friends you have to hang out, even if I don’t know them too well - I’d love to be meeting new people right now and the more the merrier I guess.

I’ll be honest and say I won’t be able to bring anyone, though I wish I could - I just haven’t really contacted/had anything to do with anyone back from high school, and my other good friends mostly live out of town.

I’m not sure what to do but something more conversation-oriented would be cool to be able to properly catch-up and all that. I’m not really good at conversation but I’m sure there’d be enough to talk about.

So, what do you say?"

This is far too long, enoug to cross into the TL;DR territory, especially considering that it's a quasi-first contact. You knew each other before, but a lot of time passed. Plus, you're coming off as desperate and/or lonely.

I'd shorten it to something like this. Fill in the blanks with appropriate information.

*********
Hey, this is _____ from _____ high school. We had ______ class with Mr./Ms. _______. It was a pretty nice class, like the time when __________.

Would you like to get together for coffee or something similar and catch up? Just the two of us, or you can bring people, it's cool either way.

Let me know when is good for you.
*********

Chances are, she might not respond at all, which means "no". But you gotta improve your chances any way you can. One recommendation I'd give is not to meet at local hangouts near the school. You don't want to run into old bullies or their friends, who will almost certainly do something to humiliate you.



Outrider
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30 Dec 2015, 6:35 pm

Well your message Aspie1 was exactly what I wanted to communicate, but I get a bit too verbose and detailed so that it ends up getting long.

It's just what I'm like usually, even in this forum you'll see I can make longer and detailed posts and am usually like thiseven in online/texting scenarios. It's about truly expressing your feelings and emotions accurately instead of 'rly oh ye I no xctly wut u mean when u say dat 2 me yes I do.' I hate textspeak.

Even your shortened version will look like a long-a55 wall of text if someone uses facebook on their cell phone - it's that embarrasing. People are usually just impatient and can't skim and scan something to determine if they are interested in reading more - thus, TL;DR was born out of impatient stupidity.

Either wayI will use your shortened version, but also 'build-up' to it in a sense. But, like I said, if I 'build-up' to it, it might look like I'm 'building-up' to asking for a date.

Your way sounds date-like to me, even if it mentions 'bringing friends' and even if it lacks flirting, but still I might have to change or add a word or two to make it more 'friend-like' - e.g. 'hang out' 'as friends' etc.



Outrider
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30 Dec 2015, 6:40 pm

"You knew each other before, but a lot of time passed." - The Australian school year is different - all seniors have only been graduates for a little over a month now. Besides, one month is better than one year without contact."You knew each other before, but a lot of time passed."



Outrider
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31 Dec 2015, 5:41 am

Thank you to everyone for the help. I've decided to keep it simple: "Hey X, how are you? Have you been up to much since graduation?"

Graduation was just a moth ago + while I certainly wasn't best friends with this gal we had a more personal relationship other than 'Hey it's me from x school' she would remember me and know that and all tha.

Might need help in future updates if all goes well. So if anyone is kind enough to help some more, thank you.



Drawyer
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01 Jan 2016, 10:03 pm

Outrider wrote:
Thank you to everyone for the help. I've decided to keep it simple: "Hey X, how are you? Have you been up to much since graduation?"
It sounds much better as she wouldn't need to think too much to answer this question. :D


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