What makes someone special?

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I've noticed that certain people are "special", in that... well, other people almost instantly want to talk to them, want to listen to them, and will generally take effort to build and maintain connections with them.

I can very easily make people interested in the things I can do for them, but I cannot for the life of me make them interested in me as a human being - I only have instrumental value to them, rather than intrinsic value - while a certain percentage of the population seems to be granted intrinsic value just for walking in the room.

How is such "specialness" cultivated?

Those types of people pretty much have a charisma to them in which aspies would probably never naturally have. I can imagine that it would take intensive social training for an aspie to gain that skill. I have a friend like that and there's a girl at my work like that.

My friend is very warm, friendly, makes very connective eye contact, extremely socially tactful(I've tested this 1 many times), is seemingly socially effortless, relateble, facilitates conversation very well, very well spoken. He's from the east coast and my perception of east coasters is that they have very good social formalities.

The girl at my work is extremely friendly, she easily relates to customers, very sweet, makes herself very relatable to people, she always wants to connect with people, she puts on an extremely sweet voice.

I should also add that both my friend and the girl at work make themselves very physically attractive. In general, they are NTs with very good social skills. They don't necessarily have to have the characteristics like the people I described. There just people who can connect with almost everyone.

So how would I go about becoming a physically attractive NT with natural social skills? This is... roughly as important to my emotional well-being as sex reassignment would be to your far-end-of-the-bell-curve transsexual.

Last edited by ialdabaoth on 17 Sep 2011, 3:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Honest answer: You are already special.

Even more honest answer: Cultivate a bit of an ego. I don't mean be egotistical, I mean just be sure you often keep in mind why you are great. Be very preoccupied with your own life and interests - people will notice and wonder what interesting things you have going on in your life. Be busy. If you help people, make sure they understand you've made a sacrifice and that they should be grateful. Only help the kind of people who would help you in return. Always treat people with decency, but never, ever be too "nice".

I don't know how to do that.

People already notice the interesting things going on in my life, but they only ever want to participate in them for their own ends, and typically fail to live up to their ends of any agreements made.

Most of the things that keep me "busy" require other people, and other people tend to not want to include me unless they're getting more out of it than I am.

When I make people understand that I've made a sacrifice and that they should be grateful, they feel that I'm being rude for pointing it out. When they make me feel ungrateful that they've made a sacrifice, they feel that I'm being rude for pointing out that they felt I was rude for pointing it out when the tables were turned. When I point out the unfairness, the common criticism is "yes, but we're more likable than you are. You should try to be more likable."

How do I be more likable?

(as a follow-up note, I am 36 years old, and have been cultivating my "social skills" for over 20 years now. I've received awards for my speaking and presentation skills, I've managed large teams successfully, I've counseled multiple friends, and am repeatedly called on as the most insightful and emotionally aware person that anyone in my group knows. However, when I use all this to point out the fact that I don't seem to be treated as well as everyone else treats each other, or to point out that it would be nice if people used me as something other than their free personal assistant / therapist / teacher / inventor / fix-it guy / Most Interesting Man in the World and then dump me as soon as they're done with me, things get... difficult. And then suddenly I'm judged as much LESS insightful and emotionally aware.)

Last edited by ialdabaoth on 17 Sep 2011, 3:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Another thing.

If you don't have that extroverted NT charisma, you can have something even better - an air of mystery. You can be the silent, brooding, complex, idealist, non-conformist, fiercely intellectual type. That's the kind of person that turns me on, anyway

To do this though, you should *never* reveal too much about yourself, and you should *always* have a passionate preoccupation (preferably one with a degree of cultural legitimacy, but anything will do.) Always be busy. If you don't socialize, remember - it is because you have more important things on your agenda.

I am simply incapable of operating this way; I care about others too much and find them too fascinating. I *need* other people. I'm fundamentally an extrovert, I just give off too many "creepy vibes" to survive as one.

A specific note on this: This is, in fact, the opposite of effective. I've performed numerous experiments and observations, and the more people act to inform others of the sacrifices they're making, the less they're appreciated. In general, you get the most mileage by not bringing attention to your sacrifices - the problem is, some people are always appreciated for their "silent sacrifices" and others aren't, and it seems to be based more around facial symmetry, body language, pheromones and other such cues than anything to do with the nature of the sacrifices or bringing attention to them.

At core, if you're "special", then your sacrifices and efforts are also "special", and must be acknowledged and appreciated. If you aren't, then those same sacrifices and efforts are expected, and they are allowed to be taken for granted.

Last edited by ialdabaoth on 17 Sep 2011, 3:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds to me like sometimes you just have to say no. Alternatively, you have to come to terms with how people are - mostly selfish. It may not have anything to do with you not being likeable. Maybe people see you as being so "with it", to together, they think you don't need anything? AS people are often perceived as emotionally independent and not needing anyone.

I am often criticized as being too "needy" and "clingy" and "disrespectful of boundaries", except when I am criticized as being too "with it" and "independent" and "distant". So yes, sometimes it's that I'm seen as not needing anyone, but just as often it's that I'm seen as needing too much.

And people may be mostly selfish, but they seem far less selfish towards "special" people than they are towards "average" people, and far less selfish towards "average" people than they are towards things like me.

And I'm not saying this out of self-loathing; I am saying this out of solid and repeated observation of behavior.

I don't mean say it literally. I mean, don't be too available. For example, instead of doing something for someone straight away, say "Hmm... let's see... I can help you with this next Tuesday, at 4 o'clock. How's that?"

I have run these experiments. Adjusting my availability downwards causes others to adjust their availability downwards at roughly double to triple the rate of my own adjustment. I have to maintain an almost usurous level of availability just to get my bare-minimum social needs met.

At core, the problem seems to be that just being around me is so taxing, that I need to bend over backwards to repay people for the insurmountable, Herculean task of merely putting up with me.

This thought does not do wonders for that ego-building process you were mentioning.

I think you have answered your own question there. People in general are really scared off by perceived "neediness" and "clinginess", and people in general (especially NTs) are really protective of their personal boundaries. It may be something worth working on. I didn't understand boundary stuff very well either when I was younger, I had to learn it the long, hard way. The good news is that it is very learn-able. The "needy" and "clingy" stuff relates to what I mentioned earlier about making sure you are preoccupied with your own life and interests - people really respect that.

Do they? Often when I become preoccupied with my own life and interests, I get criticized harshly for being too self-centered, and then I discover that everyone has gone off and abandoned their friendship with me. It's then harder-than-usual to re-establish friendships and forge new ones, due to my now-established reputation as self-centered and oblivious.

Adjusting this process slightly leads to an odd situation where some people find me self-centered and oblivious, while others find me too needy and clingy. This is part of what I'm complaining about.

Look at it this way. Imagine there's a series of sliders. We can label one of them "Needy/Oblivious". We could label another one "Arrogant/Humble". The "special" people have this gap in the middle, between "Needy" and "Oblivious", called "fun to be around". They have a gap in the middle, between "Arrogant" and "Humble", called "confident". Me? I've got an overlap. If I try to adjust the dial, I just wind up in a spot where some people think I'm too arrogant, some think I'm too self-deprecating, and some can't make up their mind WHICH I am, but they sure as hell don't like it.

I'd sell my soul for a space between those failures to live in.

If they accuse you of self-centeredness for being focused on your own life, then they are simply the wrong kind of people!! Sorry but that's the truth! You need better quality people in your life. Friends don't "abandon" friends for reasons like that.

The "special people" you keep referring to do not exist, hon, it is an imaginary ideal you are holding yourself up to to aid in your process of beating yourself up. What you're really saying, over and over, is: "If only I were more..."

NO. You have to be you, and you have to be more selective about the people you allow into your life, more selective about whom you give the privileged title of "friend" to. It's about quality, not quantity. Better to have one good friend than a dozen people who hurt your feelings.

If you must rely on them to pursue your interests, then refer to them as "acquaintances" and don't invest emotionally in them. In truth nobody really needs more than one friend, as long as they're a genuine friend.

Sorry if that sounded too full on!

I just want to add that there are people in my life whom I really love, care about and respect enormously, whom many people would describe as arrogant or aloof. They have very few friends (maybe one or two) - being difficult to get along with - but they have incredible souls, incredible passion and intellect, and are simply beautiful people in my view. Who cares if they're arrogant and piss people off constantly? They are amazing, smart and interesting, and other people are boring by comparison.

It's an awful cliche but you really do have to be proud of who you are, it's the only way to be.

I'm one of those insufferably proud aspies. My life is mostly goddam dysfunctional, but I'm stubbornly happy.