As some of you on here know after I graduated college in 2013 it took me until Dec. 18, 2015 to acquire the services that I need in order to repair, make better and move on into other areas of my life that were damaged as a result of not being diagnosed until I was 26. The area that I was and still am living in is comprised largely of senior citizens, married middle class and upper middle class couples with children, working class folk and of course the downtrodden. America, basically. I was and still am a guy who is looking to make his mark and his fortune in this world. I've come to realize that in many ways I am an adult but in other ways I am not. I think most common people would look at my situation and say, "ok, well now that he is up and running lets get him married and move him up in life.' My decision during my final year of college was to obtain a job where I can have my weekends off. I have found that job and am working towards it. I also did not and still do not have any desire to conform to all social aspects of American middle class culture. Some aspects I will but others that come in the form of marriage and child rearing?! Yeah I don't think so!!
Simply put I have no desire to slave in ANY job for more than 40 hours a week. Now I can compromise and be willing to work 45 hours a week. Or I would be willing to come in two Saturday mornings out of the month from 8:00 a.m. until 12:00 noon. But I will not allow any job positon to interfere in other areas of my life, reason being, mental health.
Friendships are necessary for normal mental health, sex and intimacy are necessary for good mental health. The area that I am living in does not offer sex or intimacy with anyone whom I would consider to be an ideal mate. Either because they are too elderly, married, too young, physically unfit due to obesity, disease, etc. emotionally unstable, or addicted to narcotics, or they were the type that were given too much choice in men when they were younger because their unguided sexuality over powered their good judgement. But hey, we live in America, that is the way it is. But seriously, who REALLY wants to attach themselves to someone falling down the tree of attractiveness, by attractiveness I don't mean just physical attractiveness. There are dating apps which I will be involving myself with soon enough.
I'm no creep. I don't prey upon young women who are 18 years old. I also understand that people of all different ages and background have something to offer me be it tangible or intangible. However, when you are not in the same place, emotionally as your co-workers, when you haven't had the opportunity to be a happy healthy child you don't just go along with the herd after you have been diagnosed, easily. You are going to have to take care of some of your needs that were not met when you were younger. Especially when you live in a culture that tells you that you can achieve what you want in life so long as you are not breaking any criminal or civil law and you work hard for it. You're a child in some ways, still. Now of course this does not apply to all of us on the spectrum I think. I've met a couple people on this forum who were not diagnosed until later but they managed to do rather well in life pre-diagnosis. I'm not one of those people.
I had to keep working second shift, after I graduated and still continue on the path towards my goal. I had no real effective way of dealing with my sexual and social urges because I knew the area I was living in. I was not with the people whom I desired to spend my after work time with. I didn't and still do not want my work life to leak over into my social life. I don't mind hanging out with one or two outside of work who are colleagues but that is about as far as I wish to take it. Well that and I don't mind going to social functions hosted by my employers every once in a while.
The whole time up until Dec.18, 2015 my personal decisions in regards to my everyday activities got worse, and worse, and worse!! I started making poor choices in what types of foods to eat and when to eat them, how to spend my time after work and how late I should stay up.
For an unmarried man in his 30's who is still striving for his goals an environment where he is surrounded by folks who do not have similar ambitions, his environment can slowly start to tear him down mentally if he does not know where to go in order to take the next step towards what he wants.
From August of 2013 right up to now I have done what I think is best for someone in my situation. I went out and received extra training, I tried volunteering at two different places with the prospect of employment. Finally I found a place that suits my needs. All the while my urges were tearing me down, mentally. It got to the point where I could BARELY complete any duties as a janitor at ALL!! If it had not been for this service I am receiving I more than likely would have marched into a grocery store and massacred at least 3 people before turning the gun on myself. Or I would have just committed suicide. But I still managed to hold onto the belief that could make it to the next phase in my rehabilitation process/life.
But now, my network of those who can help me live a happier life has expanded. I have found whom I think to be the RIGHT people. ....heh, it's kind of like that ending scene to my favorite movie, Predator. Arnold slowly loses his team, his weaponry, his gear, and he almost loses his life until he finally defeats the Alien hunter. I lost in some ways the help I was getting, my money, my sanity, and almost my life until I received a message from the service that I am utilizing assuring me that they stick by you for the long term. At that point I was like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator right before the end credits in a way. On the chopper, heading home, absolutely exhausted but quiet. Because the experience of being that close to death changed me.
.......A few days later while I was doing my rounds at my job a thought/fantasy occurred to me......that ordeal that I went through was a rite of passage into the next phase of adulthood. We live in a world where everything has a price, but for some of us, the price doesn't always come in the form of money.
Last edited by JohnConnor on 31 Jan 2016, 11:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
31 Jan 2016, 8:54 pm
