"Friends" who Turn Their Back

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Im in a group of people who call themselves friends, who, I start feeling a sense of connection with then out of nowhere seem to do a 180.

I start catastrophising. I start wanting revenge. I start thinking I'll teach them a lesson, Im going to stop talking to them and see what happens. If they were helping me with something, I think, I'll reverse all the good work they've done for me, and if they ask about it, then I can tell them how all their work has come undone and it's because of them. How dare they ignore me.

One such "friend" has suggested we go for a drink. For a year, she hasn't forgot about that drink, keeps reminding me about the drink, yet, no dates are ever set. Fair enough. I'll invite her out. She says Yes! Then on the day, she cancels. It's like the things that people do to be friends, aren't being done here. I've been in her house, but she has never bought me a gift. She's made me a coffee, but I've never had a good chat with her.

I thought it might be good suggesting we should get together for a chat so I could get to know her better. She seems shy like me, I was hoping maybe I could help her, and we could support and encourage one another. Nothing like having a kindred spirit, someone who knows your difficulties because they share them too.

But she talks about every other thing Im talking about, except for having a chat. But she has been helping me with various things and done more for me than most people have. So Im confused.

I swore I wasn't going to do this again but I can't help it. These seem like wrong thoughts. I guarantee, she won't think there's anything wrong, either with myself, or her.

In my head, she's done this 180 and Im feeling bitter and resentful. One thoughtful gesture and all will be forgiven, for the next three months until Im back in the same situation. Yaay, she's the most wonderful person in the world. Booo. She's the nastiest person in the world. Yaay. Boo. Yaay. Booo. Oh look, I have no friends.

Im here, wondering how often should I text her? She's been helping me with something, she hasn't asked about it for six weeks. If she wanted to know, she would ask me, right? Should I be volunteering information here, telling her how Im getting on? I don't want to hound her every day. How often is acceptable? I don't want to hound her. She has a life. She doesn't want to know all about my problems? But what if she is shy? What if she doesn't know she should ask me?

Help!

But here's the other thing. She's really supportive, talkative, connectable. Then she goes on holiday and comes back and seems to not want to know. Not the first time that has happened.

Or at least, that's the way I've read it.

The way I read things could be completely wrong.

Of course you can volunteer information. She probably just has other things on her mind and can't read yours. So how is she to know you want to talk about that topic if you don't tell her?
Maybe I'm off base with this one, but could you be idolizing her a bit during the good times? And feeling resentment when she doesn't live up to the standard you've created in your mind? If so, just accepting her with faults and all could save you the roller-coaster ride.
Hope that helps (even a little)!

Hmmm. Idolizing. Good word.

Maybe. Hadn't really thought about it like that before. Idolizing sort of implies that you think they're perfect without faults. I do find that I accept their faults, until something snaps, usually at a time where Im feeling more self concious, more anxious, more panicky - it's a cycling thing for me. Up until this point, I accept they're not perfect, though I still idolize them I guess. Then at this moment, all their flaws, everything they've done or haven't done I perceive as, not so much a sleight against me, but against our friendship. True friends wouldn't act like that. True friends meet up. True friends add each other on Facebook. It must be true, it's on my spreadsheet.

But I knew that this is wrong thinking, I just couldn't stop it because I had no data!

She must have sensed I wasn't my self and spoke to me. I told her what was up. She completely understood and gave me loads of reassurance, explaining everything going on. That really, really, calmed me down, but now I just feel stupid.

It was like I got caught in a negative loop where everything became amplified.

Im still waiting to see what's up with me, I guess that this could be a number of different conditions.

But just out of interest, could this fit into Autism/Aspergers?

Well, it fits my thinking and I'm an aspie

It took me a long time to recognize this behavior in myself, before I could fix it. People are imperfect, and we all have our own mental preoccupations. So if both parties communicate clearly, most problems are usually (not always) avoidable.

Social relationships are a lot of work imho. But as long as the pro's outweigh the cons, I think they're worth it .

Sometimes it helps to try and view the dynamics from a distance (removing the emotional factor from the situation) in order to figure out what's going on.

Feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt if you wish. I am absolutely no specialist and my advice is just the result of personal experiences and trial and (loooots) of error. I hope you find happiness in your friendship!

I tell you what, reading over my posts, and the way Im typing, I feel like I sound like a ten year old.

Your replies have been really useful. I've been obsessing, catastrophizing and getting stuck in negative feedback loops for many years and I find it difficult to escape it.

I was never particularly social earlier in life. My close friends, I've known from school, but I don't have any "new friends". I've never been a blokey bloke, I prefer the company of women, but women prefer the company of women. I've always yearned just sitting down in the presence of a woman and just having a chat, quiet. I guess it's because of the close relationship I have with my sister. I don't know how I feel about my existing friends, whether I find them necessarily fun anymore, or I like doing what they do. We do things. But I don't know if they understand me.

Does history and socialising equals friendship? I don't know anymore.

The people I want to befriend, am I idolozing? I have no idea. But I know that now I am more social, of course Im having more problems.

I have a high capacity for tolerance, but just one thing pushes me over the edge and they become public enemy number one. Everything they've ever done becomes amplified. For example, when someone doesn't add me on Facebook and more to the point, tell me WHY they don't add me on Facebook, that's a problem. When someone has been saying we should get together, but it never materialises, that's a problem.

When I ask questions, DON'T try and think for me. Don't tell me what I would and wouldn't enjoy. Reassure me, explain to me why you can't add me on Facebook, and Im OK. Im fine. Im not out to control you, I just need to know. There's too many things that can't be explained and I can't make sense of them.

After the person reassured me, I sent them a message asking a question. She hasn't replied.

I did suggest I was more secure in that moment than I was. I got that wrong. Im still a bit insecure, so Im quite sore and vexxed by it. But Im better than I was, because in her reassurance, she essentially pressed my reset button. Instant reversal. I can sense the negativity rising again and I've got to do something about it. I need to get the obsessiveness out the way. Maybe find something else to focus on.

How do you explain to people without coming across as needy and totally insecure that you would appreciate some reassurance to save you from blowing up?

I don't believe socializing and/or history equals friendship. For me a friend is someone who understands you and allows you to just be yourself. Of course this must be true both ways. So maybe shared interests, values, and comparable intelligence (etc) are better suited for evaluating the possibility of friendship.
Now, the people you describe (e.g. the one that won't add you on Facebook) sound more like acquaintances). This category shouldn't really be allowed to influence your emotional state.
(Now I'm sounding about as rational as a robot, but this is due to the fact that I'll take rationale over emotions any day. Emotions are draining to me.)
But maybe it's time for an evaluation of the people in your life and an assessment of the categories in which they belong. If the person supports and 'gets' you and allows you into their life: friend. If not, why should you care? The way they treat you, is a reflection of their personality - not yours (this based on the presumption that you are respectful of boundaries and are open and honest with them).
Actually this conversation is helping me put things into perspective too
You know the people who give advice so rarely apply it to themselves... Thank you for allowing me to put my thoughts into words thereby getting some personal insights.
Finally, from what I can tell from our, albeit brief, interaction, you seem like a kind and intelligent person and many women would be lucky to be true friends with you. I hope you never doubt your self worth. Confidence in your abilities and personality is magnetic so don't let people break you down, find happiness within yourself and the rest will follow!
Best of luck!