Ghosted by (ex-?) best friend

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After fruitlessly scanning Google for answers, I am writing my first post, hoping my fellow neuro-atypicals can provide me with some useful insights. My apologies in advance for the length of the message, but to paraphrase M. Twain, I didn't have time to write a short post, so I wrote a long one instead.

I have been friends with ***** for more than seven years, even labeling ourselves 'non-biological sisters'. We were always able to talk to each other about everything and have very rarely had any issues whatsoever. She also believes (believed?) in open and direct communication, so we were always very straightforward with each other. We are both in our thirties (so it's not some teen-hormone thing).

Suddenly, she has stopped communicating with me altogether. I have been going over every possible scenario, but nothing seems to make any sense.

Here are some possibilities:
- When I last saw her, her husband berated her in front of me. I mentioned this to her privately during the night and she told me the worst part was, she hadn't even noticed anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but it was pretty bad. He does this often and then tells her that 'she makes him act that way' - usual manipulation techniques. I try not to make a big deal about it, since she's smart enough to know what's going on and she decides to stay with him.
- Recently, I started eating healthy and lost a significant amount of weight. She has dealt with eating disorders in the past and maybe my weight-loss triggered something in her.
- Her husband has mentioned he prefers to go out with couples (I'm single). So the last time I saw her, we decided to have a girls' night instead of him being there. But obviously I don't think that will happen.
- She might be dealing with something. Still, how much of an effort is it to text a short reply.
- ???????

I believe that I have been a good and loyal friend: always being there for her, providing pro bono legal advice and services from time to time for her company (for which I was never thanked btw), treating her husband with respect (though he does not return the favor and has even threatened me with physical violence on one occasion because 'he was in a bad mood'), never speaking poorly of her, etc. We have had so much fun together and supported each other in the hard times. So how could she suddenly cut me off without warning and/or reason. She knows that I am an aspie (yes I still prefer this terminology to ASD) and that the silent treatment is one of the worst punishments in my book.

Finally, after a few days, I sent my last-resort text: "Hey *****, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. You're worrying me a bit and I hope you know you can tell me if there's something you're struggling with or if I have inadvertently hurt or offended you in any way. If you prefer a bit of space to work thing out for yourself, just let me know. Love always."

That was three days ago... No answer.

Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I'm missing something. Thanks!

It could be she's having some kind of issue with her husband. Maybe you could check her activity on social media or something.

It's really confusing when friends suddenly seem to become distant. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

her husband sounds like the typical abuser. he would like nothing more than for her to have him as her only friend. his game is control.

It wouldn't surprise me if her husband had something to do with it. Maybe he took her phone, maybe he killed her. I would do what cathylynn suggested, go look on her social media to see if she has posted on it lately. I would also try sending her a message on there if she is posting there. I would use the police as the last resort to report her missing just to see if she is still alive and okay.

Thank you so much for answering. She just came on Facebook and I asked her if she saw my message. She acted like nothing at all was amis and said she was just dealing with some issues that have nothing to do with me. I guess that's something right? She wants to talk it out at a party (um maybe not the best time) and wouldn't tell me more so I didn't push.

Maybe the problem is with me, and I shouldn't have stressed and overthought everything. But it's not at all like her and I don't think that a small message after days of reaching out would be too much to ask for. Maybe NT have different definitions of what friendship entails.

Thanks again, so much. You have no idea how it helps to feel heard. And that I'm not crazy for thinking her husband's behavior isn't appropriate. I guess I should just give her time and not bug her right now. She knows I'm here for her...
But it sucks to be ignored all the same

I don't think the problem is with you.
It sounds like her husband doesn't like you (he probably doesn't like anyone who is friends with his wife.)
He sounds very controlling and even possibly abusive.
He may not have allowed your friend to be in contact with you or on social media.
Or perhaps things were such that your friend couldn't deal with what was going on AND be a friend at the same time.
I don't think her lack of explanation is because she doesn't care about you.
Perhaps she does not want to be overheard at home or perhaps she does not want a "paper trail" on her computer.
Also, perhaps she cannot get away with seeing you alone (as her husband does not like you), so that is why she mentioned "at a party." If she is at a party, she is not really with you.
And don't feel like there's something wrong with you because her husband doesn't like you.
He could not like you because there is something RIGHT about you, which is the ability to see through him and see what he really is.
I've been in situations like that before where manipulators and abusers see that I see who they really are, and they have gone out of their way to hate and discredit me.

Thank all of you for your perspective. It actually brought up a lot of things I was unable to identify myself. When one stands too close, one runs the risk of missing the bigger picture!

So on the one hand, I concur she is not at fault. There are probably bigger issues and she has always been a wonderful friend. She definitely needs me in times like this and I want to be there for her.

On the other hand, what about my own emotional stability. It is so hard to see such a strong woman be treated in such a way and not remedy the situation. She may have learned to ignore the insults, but they sting me to my core. It would hardly be fair to her to demand that we only meet when he isn't there, so: suck it up or build up a tiny wall for protection.

And yes, I've noticed the trend of antisocial people getting extremely angry with me once it becomes apparent that I am clearly aware of their tactics and motives. Sadly have had quite a few of them come in and out of my life, but so far they haven't won . All the books on body language, psychology etc that I read in an effort to appear 'NT' (which kind of worked), make their moves as transparent as glass .

Thank you all again so much, your words have calmed me down (thankfully, because I am not my best self when the emotions take control - doesn't happen too often). They meant the difference between a total shutdown and my current calm state, so I owe you all a lot!

Have a great weekend!

So true @Nerdygirl!
Of course I'll aways be there for her. I just had a case of that 'heat of the moment' anger that subsides almost instantly once I am able to put my emotions back in their respective boxes (where they belong - I do not like the way they make me act, i.e. irrationally).
Thing is, I can only get that way with people that I deeply care about and that in itself goes to show that she's worth it.

In my opinion - trying to voice subconscious thoughts - she only stays with him because she feels guilty (he comes from a family with less means than hers and he frequently helps out in her business - after which he 'obviously' has a reason to blame her for his mood) and because she is afraid of being alone. In any case she blames it on him being insecure because her family is well off. That would be a valid reason for about 3 months max. If he can't adjust in a span of 4 years, he never will!

Anyway, she knows full well how I feel and that it hurts me. She doesn't know that he threatened to hit me at their wedding though. Then again, it won't make a difference, he has treated her father etc like that before.

Of course she says that he is nice when they're alone, but I call bs on that one. Usually the abuser is 10x worse behind closed doors.

Hopefully I will be able to keep my emotions tucked away this Saterday and things might be resolved (unlikely but positive thinking and all thay good stuff, right?). I just get frustrated trying to understand her staying with him, knowing full well she's losing herself. I only see her smile and have fun when she's not with him...

Thanks again. The situation still really sucks . I wish I was a huge mma fighter or something and could put him in his place .

In closing: WP is an amazing support system, I am so glad I found this! Never knew that talking to fellow neuro-atypicals (still have issues with the ASD label) was so much easier than dealing with NTs ! I made it through so many interactions without feeling the need to overanalyze potential the impact of the message or even apologize once !

I don't have any advice on how to be a friend, except to try to just stick around for her. You may consider contacting a domestic abuse agency and asking them if they have any advice for when you suspect a friend is being abused.

I had a chance to do some more reading about this situation and it sounds like it's all him the fact that he's an abuser whose controlling. In her case it sounds like she married him out of loneliness so she's clinging and he is clinging to her because he's lonely. Now is he using her?

Probably! It's just so worrisome that she knows it and doesn't leave. I doubt that it's physical (in the sense that I don't believe he beats her), but emotional and verbal abuse can cut deeper imo.
Thanks again guys. It's that type of situation where I guess all you can do is stand back and let her know you're there for her... Felt so good to get it all out though!
Thanks!! !

It sounds like this is something that isn't something that you can control. Understand that it was her choice to marry someone because it's tied to her own self worth. It sounds like she still loves your very much but her husband is the bigger priority and usually he will come first and even if it's a toxic marriage.

One of my sisters lives with a boyfriend/long time fiancee who is a user and abuser along with being controlling and manipulative. Why he's even called her up on the phone in the middle of the night and said he'll commit suicide if she doesn't go see him in the past. He's also just uses her along with treating my family like crap. Yet she can't see that.

Wellllll. I saw her extremely briefly this weekend at a common friend's birthday and we didn't get a chance to talk. This time I will just wait until she reaches out to me, it can't be so one sided. So luckily I have other good friends to hang out and chat with, but I'm not going to lie. It hurts.

Many thanks for sharing your advice and warm hugs to all. If you are dealing with a similar situation, I wish you strength. Don't hesitate to contact me to vent should you feel the need as I would be happy to repay the favor.

It's always hard to see people who you connected with once upon a time who seem to avoid you and want nothing to do with you.

I have had that happen many times and it hurts