Social anxiety with friends and relationships

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For as long as I can remember I had difficulty finding friends. Every once in a while I'd meet someone with similar interests. I had two best friends, one for six years. We were distant and everyone said I was mean to her. I always felt bad after that, like I was being a bully instead of a friend. Soon enough I drove her away. Then I met my other friend. She was mean to me and I was okay with it because I felt like I was a jerk or something. I got homeschooled because of my "antisocial behavior". So of course my new best friend was driven away as well by my "negativity". She hates me now. I'm in a relationship now and worried that I'm going to screw this up too because I can't talk sometimes when I'm upset. Sometimes I need silence and a walk to think about it. My partner has yet to understand this. It makes me feel stupid to just keep saying "I can't think right now" or "I don't know I'm just upset". I would tell him straight up if I could every time but it's like everything goes frustratingly blank