Alone and Empty

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The last time I made a friend in real life, and they lasted for more than a few months, I was in the Sixth Grade. I am now a college Freshman, and that friend is the only one I have outside the internet. However, even on the internet I struggle. Besides one very good friend, everyone else I meet seems to come and go. Part of it is my fault, certainly. Anxiety makes it difficult to approach people, and then asperger's makes it hard to connect. I'm grateful for the friends I do have, but my friend IRL is constantly busy, and I worry for his mental health. I also feel sort of like a "back up" friend to him, even though I know that's not his intentions. As for my online friend, she's like a big sister to me. I wouldn't trade them for anything, and maybe it's unreasonable, but I still feel so alone. College hasn't given me the friends I was hoping it would, and part of me feels even emptier than before. It's with a strange kind of sadness that I get excited whenever I hear my phone buzz. It's rarely ever from my friends texting or emailing me, but I still jump. I get so excited just knowing it's a possibility.

My family is a mess. My mom doesn't feel like a mom. She's less mature than I am, and I feel like she's constantly pushing off chores and errands on me. I'm worried my dad isn't going to accept me as trans. My two little brothers only seem to annoy me. My sister is great, as are my nieces, but they live all the way in Florida. Sometimes I still wish I could run away.

I've joined the video game club on campus, but I feel so distant and removed and different from everyone there. Part of that may be because I'm transgender and haven't really began transitioning yet. That's bad enough just on it's own, but the club president made an of hand remark the other day about "all those gender idiots" or something along that line, making it even worse. I don't have the intense anxiety walking around campus like I did in high school, but instead I have this sadness instead. I feel like I'm Quasimodo, watching all the people around me living lives I know I could never live. Because even if I tried, and by some miracle found people that accepted me, I still don't think I'd find that connection.

So now, I'm alone in my room like I am every night. Some nights are better than others. This is not one of those nights. I've felt alone and empty for so long now, and I'm just tired of it. I've come so far along in terms of my mental health, but I'm just as alone as ever before. I want more than anything else to start connecting with people, but that seems to be the only thing I can't do. So if you somehow managed to read this wall of text, I would appreciate any advice or insight.

I'm so sorry you went through all that.

I can relate to a bit of what you said. It's hard making friends as an adult. I never went to college, so I personally don't know what thats like. Joining the video game club seems like something fun to do though! In time- perhaps you will find a few friends from it. Have you been a part of the club long or did you recently join it?

You said your family is far away, could you possibly transfer schools to be closer to them?

I hope I helped some. If you want to chat more, feel free to message me if you want or reply here.

Thank you~ I thought club would be fun and that I would make friends in it. But I don't know. None of the people there feel right to me. I feel different from them in a way that's more than just me being trans, and I can't figure out why. They all collect amiibo and wear nerd stuff, are all hyped for Pokemon in a month, talk about fighting games like they're a second language... I should fit right in and yet I've never felt more different and weird than I do at the meetings. It's been two months now, and at first I was hopeful but every week I feel worse and worse about it until now. We're having a Halloween part at the end of the month, and if nothing changes after that, I think I may just move on.

I still live with my family, but I think it hurts more than it helps at this point. It's my sister that's away. She and her husband are kind of at capacity though, plus they're military, so that'd be a mess to figure out.

Well I give you credit for trying at least. Perhaps some other group will come along.

I suppose you could try websites like Meetup and such to meet new people. I've been meaning to go to an event near me but havent yet. Or perhaps look for an autism or aspergers group near you? Have you tried therapy for your anxiety?

That's what I'm hoping. I'm considering the Anime or LGBT Club, so maybe those will go better.

I've considered a meet up, but am not sure I could do one without a friend with me, and like I said, the one I have is pretty busy. If it was specifically for asperger's or anxiety, I might feel a bit better about going alone, knowing everyone else would be similarly awkward. I've been going to therapy for my anxiety since I was four, and while it's a lot better than it has been in recent years, it's still really hard to deal with it.

Good luck!

You are likely to find friends sometime I would bet. If not- you can find people here maybe. I've chatted with some nice people here.