Acceptance

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Hi,

Has anyone else been through the experience of using all the coping mechanisms for interacting with other people but being exhausted by it.

I found that I could use these coping mechanisms successfully for about 85% of the people I worked with. But the remaining 15% could see straight through it all.

They kind of reacted towards like I was hiding something and were wary of me.

Now I have stopped trying with people.

I speak if spoken to, smile and be polite bit that's it.

Out of curiousity, what specific coping mechanisms were you using? A method to "help you cope with an interaction" and one to "make someone believe you have no issue with interactions" aren't necessarily the same thing.

This could be completely wrong, but from your second paragraph it sounds to me like you was trying the latter. And your statement of "seeing straight through it all", sounds to me like you wastrying to conceal something. If this is the case, you may be wary of revealing too much, which may come off as defensive to some.

Like I said though, it would depend on what specific methods you were attempting. I know you said you was thinking of giving up, but it might just have being the methods and mindsets behind them that were causing these issues.

I hope things work out for you.

Yes I have, for decades. Like the other poster who replied, I would be interested in reading more about the particular coping methods that you use.

Today, I use rules of social interaction that I've "learned" (which indeed is a lot like putting on an act). There aren't that many people I'm actually close to or let my guard down, and those are people who have shown that they do accept me. In work place situations, I have found for a long time that I have difficulty being taken seriously. I felt I always was being judged by different standards than others.

It is very difficult to have a very high ability with a technical field, and to be able to perform exceptionally in that field, but be utterly incapable of reading the political winds or social cues that everyone else seems to get. It is a lot like flying an airplane using only instruments, but with most of the instruments malfunctioning.

Hi,

Thanks for your replies. I was using things like varying the amount of eye contact to avoid staring or blanking. Remembering to smile and nod and react positively to others.

Asking open ended questions where appropriate to get the other person to talk about what interests them. I could then develop the conversation by being interested in them.

If I had to talk I would try to stay on neutral topics and avoid talking about anything geeky.

Maybe one thing I have to learn to accept is that no one is universally liked. Maybe I am hypersensitive to adverse reactions towards me.

I know I have to continue to try. So I will.

I am usually ok with eye contact if I am just listening, but if I'm talking and/or describing something I find it very hard to make eye contact. A lot of NT's see this as "you are hiding something" or are "Dishonest" which is silly. It's also very difficult for me to smile, nod, vocally prompt etc. when necessary. If the conversation is irrelevant, not going anywhere, or just plain boring I will blank out and most of the time find something interesting to look at instead. This really comes across as offensive by NT's.
I have learned not to be bothered and dwell on what people think of me. If they are understanding and aware you have AS than that's on THEM to act accordingly and even if they don't know they should be diverse enough to realize that we all come from different cultural and family backgrounds where actions mean different things to different people. It's also important to realize that although it would be wonderful if everyone were nice to each other and accepting, this will never be the 100% case. Things are turning around slowly but one must choose their battles when it comes to socializing with certain people and investing time in trying to develop friendships. Some people just aren't worth your precious time trust me. If people have a hard time holding my interest that's their problem. You've got to come to terms with yourself that happiness and understanding starts with you discovering it within yourself and not finding it externally in others. You sound awesome to me.