Difficulty making friends -even in chatrooms

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redbrick1
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

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Joined: 25 Dec 2015
Age: 50
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11 Dec 2016, 1:48 am

Hello:
I have not been on this site for over six months. I now feel the need start due to some issues that are taking place in my life. I started going on this chatroom of a particular fandom. I have been doing it for about six months now. At first I went on as a lark, but soon I found myself wanting to engage with these people, I actually put a lot of time and effort into talking with them and even neglected my family as a result. As the intensity of me going on started, so did the expectations. I started seeing the same things I have seen throughout my life, or so I think, the non comments when I try to engage in conversation, the sort of passive aggressive comments extended my way, it started to hurt me. Recently someone started messing with me, basically playing strange mind games. This hurt, and this is kind of freaking me out. Cognitively I know they are complete strangers and that we really do not have a relationship but emotionally is entirely different story. I am not too savvy online, in fact they use language that is frankly confusing, and stuff they find funny, is not even mildly amusing. I made a point not to comment on that site and even went so far as to remove the app from my phone.
I think part of the problem is that I am 42 and my interests, for the most part, are not age appropriate. Most of the people on that site did not have even the 1/5th the life experience I had, this impacts the type of relationship I will have with people. I hear a lot people talk about engaging other people based on your interests, and I have even suggested this to people, but at this point I don't know if that really works. I have many interests and have many opportunities to engage with people as a result, but with no fulfilling relationships.
I am lost for what to do. I fear that my depression over this matter will spill out in other parts of my life, and will hurt other people other than myself.



CyclopsSummers
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12 Dec 2016, 3:22 pm

It seems I have only 1/3 of your life experience, and almost half of my life from age 16 onward has been spent almost devoid of social interaction with age peers. However, I do have some experience with using a chatroom as a substitute for real life socialization. From mid-2014 to mid-2015, I was actively participating in a chatroom that basically seemed to be the sinkhole of the internet. It was home to depraved sexual predators and raving mad bigots, but there was also a core of regulars who could maintain a semblance of intelligent conversation and had grown into a kind of online family. Overtime, I too started feeling part of this 'family'. Still, there were some chatters who would attempt emotional blackmail with other chatters, often ones they had previously called 'friend'. Each chatter seemed, to lesser or greater degree, lonely or socially awkward. As such, we were all prone to socially stunted behaviour that sometimes threatened to disrupt the social cohesion of our little community. At the end of the day, usually, we could make up. But over the course of months that I spent there, I found that I was using the chatroom too much as an emotional crutch. It was therefore a blessing in disguise that my laptop crashed in mid-2015, and I was unable to access the chatroom. It got me off chatting cold turkey, and I only had the opportunity to say my goodbyes to the gang via my smartphone.

I think that meeting people in real life on basis of your interests is a great alternative. You don't have to start inviting people over right away, just meet each other in a neutral setting, like some kind of convention or a Meetup group, and don't be afraid to start a conversation. Usually, someone will start talking to you. It's nice to find someone who is a kindred spirit and is not hiding behind a keyboard with all the courage and audacity that gives them.

Also, when you notice that online interactions lead to the neglect of your family, it's a good time to take a few steps back and spend some quality time, just to find the balance. I think removing the app, if only temporarily, is the way to go.


_________________
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redbrick1
Deinonychus
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Joined: 25 Dec 2015
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13 Dec 2016, 12:11 am

Cyclopsummers:
Wow, the way you worded what I said made me sound really snarky. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree meeting people in real life, is better and ultimately healthier. On line relationship ships are easier and faster to get into, and therefore more desirable. But as you pointed out you get a lot of trolls or people with strange views of the world and the anonymity made it easier to espouse these views.
The thing that struck me as upsetting is how I felt when these relationships were not working out, as if I knew them in real life, it hurt almost as much. It cannot be a good thing to let almost complete strangers effect my mood like that.