Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 

wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

19 Feb 2017, 6:03 am

I sit somewhere with a group of people during my lunch times and I know them to varying degrees. I would say I'm only friends with 3 of them, and these 3 are very friendly and never bother me in any way. The rest of them are just background people. Occasionally though they start to bother me, or joke with me, I've never been sure. 2 of them often take my things. One of them takes my electronics and the other my food. I ask them to give it back and they often ask me to stop bothering them, and before you ask me what I did beforehand, well I did nothing. I was sitting there talking to friends, and these people come out of nowhere and invade my space.

Basically in the end I just can't seem to communicate with people. The second one, the one who took my electronics, has told me he has severe Aspergers (and I have high functioning, but I've doubted this), and he's had some social difficulties, as well as speech and learning impediments. However, he's also just an as*hole. In fact, sometimes he comes across as more on the sociopathic spectrum and less on the Autistic one, because he seems to have social skills down better than anyone else I've met. I often make attempts at analyzing signals being sent, but it's almost like I live in a world where I lack a sense.

Just getting a bit off topic here, this is something interesting I've found out. People talk through their eyes, so when two people are staring each other down, if you look carefully you can often gauge the emotion they're trying to send. I can't explain this but through training myself I've been able to better understand it.

So back to what I was saying before. I'm just not sure what to do, I'm always lost and bullied and confused, and I hate this but no matter how much intellectual efficiency I seem to grasp I cannot understand the interactions between people, and I can't tell when people are joking with me or bullying. If any of you experience this or have any way to fix it please help me out. Thanks



the_phoenix
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,489
Location: up from the ashes

19 Feb 2017, 11:43 am

Is it necessary for you to sit with bullies at lunch?



wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

19 Feb 2017, 4:53 pm

We all sit in one large group so it is necessary unfortunately.



the_phoenix
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,489
Location: up from the ashes

19 Feb 2017, 6:51 pm

You mean somebody actually forces you all to sit together at lunch?
What would happen if you sat somewhere else?



wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

19 Feb 2017, 9:11 pm

I would sit on my own and lose two of the only friendships I've been able to keep for longer than a year. I want to move away but I like some of these people. Also, there are days when there is no conflict and again I'm not sure if they're joking or not, if they are then it's my fault but if they're not then I would gladly move away. They aren't forcing me to sit there, but I feel like I should because I know them (The two friends). Suddenly leaving would confuse my own friends and I would become depressed and lonely as a result of isolation, which I've tried in the past. There's not really any other people who I can spend time with.



Shahunshah
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,206
Location: NZ

19 Feb 2017, 9:35 pm

You know what I think. You should tell them exactly what you feel you want to say. If these people will torment you then they aren't your friends. Why not take a stand slap them with your words.



slw1990
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2014
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,406

19 Feb 2017, 10:00 pm

wrongcitizen wrote:
I would sit on my own and lose two of the only friendships I've been able to keep for longer than a year. I want to move away but I like some of these people. Also, there are days when there is no conflict and again I'm not sure if they're joking or not, if they are then it's my fault but if they're not then I would gladly move away. They aren't forcing me to sit there, but I feel like I should because I know them (The two friends). Suddenly leaving would confuse my own friends and I would become depressed and lonely as a result of isolation, which I've tried in the past. There's not really any other people who I can spend time with.


Do you think they would understand if you explained that you were leaving the group because of the bullying?



wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

19 Feb 2017, 11:33 pm

The problems I'm never sure what the behaviors are. I've always had a lot of trouble discerning motives of people, especially jokes. Sometimes they tell you when they're joking but other times its bullying all the way through and other times it's a joke, and I can clearly tell it is, but when I ask them they say they're not joking.

I think they wouldn't understand, but I will be telling them or at least asking them about it. I'm on a break right now so I have the luxury to analyze my past situations, but next time this happens I will take suggestions into account.



burnt_orange
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2017
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 286
Location: Ohio USA

20 Feb 2017, 7:09 am

To be straight with you, these guys are finding humor in making you look stupid and confused. They may say it's a joke because to them it's funny, but how often have you found it humorous? For it to be a joke that you would continue dealing with then you need to laugh too, which you're clearly not. These guys understand perfectly well that they're being as*holes. What they don't understand is why you put up with it. Next time speak to them firmly. Don't go into details. Just say you are tired of them. "I'm tired of you, leave me alone." If they ask why just repeat yourself in a stern yet calm voice. "Leave me alone." Then look at your real friends, ignore the jerks, and chat about something you enjoy. Have a topic ready in your head so you can easily change the subject. Good luck! Be confident!



wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

23 Feb 2017, 4:44 am

Thanks for all the responses.

I've actually been debating whether to do this or not and I think I've settled on it. For a while now I've been planning out some sort of response that would actually have a resonating effect on their behavior and I've come to the conclusion that the most effective response would be a firm, direct, logical and undeniable statement which would have no room for a response.



zac2
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 31 Mar 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 18
Location: UK

26 Feb 2017, 2:40 pm

Just getting a bit off topic here, this is something interesting I've found out. People talk through their eyes, so when two people are staring each other down, if you look carefully you can often gauge the emotion they're trying to send. I can't explain this but through training myself I've been able to better understand it.

“I live in a world where I lack a sense”, yes we do.
But you are on the right Road with the eyes; look on them as a window into their
emotions responses.
This will help with your understanding of the interactions between people.
Really really concentrate on the face; I did when I was 11 and learned to read emotions that way.
This also allowed me to lip-read, I can read a conversation at 30 yd handy
if it's you, that is topic of conversation.
This makes the phone a dangerous no-go area, so I text or Email instead.
All the best for the future.


_________________
INTP sufferer with AS as dessert!


jrjones9933
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,144
Location: The end of the northwest passage

26 Feb 2017, 3:02 pm

I'd like to pick up on one interesting point in the first post. I also suspect a lot of ASPD gets misdiagnosed as ASD. They are nothing like each other, except in terms of outward appearance.

I may stir up some controversy, but my way of having autism does not shut down my emotions. I thought I was unemotional, because of unwillingness to completely melt down if possible. That led to some notable events where I displayed less emotion than others, and a sense of being emotionless. Ha! I now accept my empathic and individual feelings, and gain strength from them. Narcissists cannot achieve that, by definition. They are an emotional hole.

Also, there's a difference between not knowing about social cues, and not caring. People with autism may get so frustrated and angry that they give up, or want to give up, on caring about people, but it only comes naturally to genuine sociopaths. That's a huge difference in reality, but it presents the same to psychologists in a lot of cases.

So, put yourself in the place of a shrink of whatever sort. You can choose a plausible diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder of some sort, which is untreatable, or you can choose a somewhat less plausible diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, which is super-manageable, and barely even a disorder in many cases. There's no incentive to diagnose ASPD, except for a specialist in that area, maybe.


_________________
"I find that the best way [to increase self-confidence] is to lie to yourself about who you are, what you've done, and where you're going." - Richard Ayoade


ZachGoodwin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,065

26 Feb 2017, 5:03 pm

They're working on your fear. Do not show any fear. The less fear or worry you give them, or even aggression, the less they will pick on you. I've had this happen before, and what I realized is that every time I showed fear, confusion, and worry, I looked weaker. Never be mean, but ignore them and steer clear from them. Report them, and lock up your electronics with a key in your pocket, and carry that key with you. There are plenty of smart people in the world, and those bullies are not smart if they found a way to pick on you and get onto you easily.

Bullies love an emotional challenge, and the mature thing to do is not give them one, or even react to their challenges.