I have the most trouble with conversations and how to join or leave them! I have found myself in a new kind of environment at my university where it's a small department and basically everyone knows everyone. In other settings, i usually belong to a smallish group of friends or just have one or two friends, so i know who my people are and who i talk to. Here, i do have a couple of "closer" friends, but everyone always hangs out with different people and talks to everyone. So I have to force myself to integrate with any size of group and any combination of people.
I try hard to be friendly and to be friends with all of them because my "closer" friends are friends with all of them too, so there's always extra people in every conversation and i don't want to be the odd one out. I just feel awkward in conversations a lot of the time. Sometimes i really want to be a part of it but can't quite assimilate, and other times it feels like the other people are interested in what everyone else is saying, but not me. Sometimes people start to walk away with each other, but they are ahead of me and talking with each other instead of me. I don't know how to handle it so i just retreat, but i've had people get very hurt and upset because they said that i just walk away and it's mean.
It's shocking to find out that i'm the mean one, because the reason for my behavior is that I feel like I'M the one who's being excluded or walked over, and i freak out about saying bye because I don't want to feel dumb by getting everyone's attention that I'm leaving a conversation that i was never really welcome in. Y'know? A lot of times, i really don't even want to leave the conversation, i really want to stay and be a part of it, but because i feel excluded and can't seem to contribute or get anyone to seemingly care about what i say, i start to get anxiety and just try to get away. Usually people don't say anything, so i don't notice that i've hurt anyone, but one of my "closer" friends was recently hurt by my behavior and it made me realize that I've probably hurt lots and lots of people.
Anyone have any conversation insight or any thoughts on how to either fit in conversations better, or how to tell if you are actually part of the conversation or if people really are excluding you? I'm afraid of becoming oblivious to people's signals and becoming that person who always shoves themselves into conversations where they're not really welcome. Ahh!!
