For those of you who know that you'll never make friends, have intimate relationships or be a part of humanity on any level.... how have you figured out how to make it not hurt?
Within the last year, I finally grew up. I have 100% acknowledged that none of that would ever happen for me. Being rejected as a child always hurt, but I was continuously reassured by adults (therapists, teachers, etc) that someday I'd find my group. After moving to a new state and trying fruitlessly to become socially integrated within the community of young artists that I was placed in, I have come to realize that if I couldn't make it happen now, I never would. I know now that this is just the way life is going to be for me, and to keep trying to pretend that there's anything I can do to change that is just going to make me feel even worse further down the line. Who knows, perhaps some day I will become a hugely successful, hotshot actor who everyone wants to be friends with. But I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. When I was little, I was able to console myself for not having friends by believing that unlike them, I had a big acting future ahead of me. Except now, the people rejecting me are not jocks/cheerleaders/schoolyard children, but New York actors who are just as likely if not more likely to book all the big gigs. So I don't even have that small comfort.
There isn't a single moment in my day when I'm not haunted by the knowledge that I'm probably going to be invisible my entire life. I feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces every single time I log into Facebook and I see tagged photos of people surrounded by friends and loved ones, living full lives that I know I'll have. I suppose this might be easier if my career of choice were more solitary, like writing, but unfortunately, actors are a super cliquey group of people which rubs in these feelings even more.
02 Mar 2018, 8:03 pm
