Does Autism Have Anything To Do With This? Any Advice?

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I apologize in advance for the length of this post, I just wanted to be thorough. If you make it through to the end, I applaud you.

Two years ago I responded to a Craigslist ad posted by a woman who was seeking someone to help her spend time and groom her three horses. I drove to her house and learned that she was also a member of a drill team, which she asked me to join.

We shared a fantastic summer, carpooling to practices, riding, and visiting. I shared space with her in her motor home during the week of fair while the team performed. We had a wonderful time and became close friends. I became close with her kid granddaughter as well as her husband. I helped her with a project for her business, did some work towards a new business plan which she intended to eventually share with me, helped her move her terminally ill sister from into a nursing home, then to a new nursing home, house sat, and pitched in with whatever she asked of me.

Following that summer, I lost my job. My friend was very supportive through the process. Last year I accepted a job offer that required me to move out of town and I gave up fair and the drill team. It was hard on both of us. I ended up not enjoying the job at all and moving away only to discover I had left everything important to me behind. Before the end of the summer I quit the job and moved back, not in time to ride on the team, but I was able to spend the last few days of fair with my friend. She told me that she almost quit the team herself after she heard I wasn't going to ride, but that she understood and that I had made the decision for the right reasons. Throughout all of this time we stayed in constant communication.

I had to move in with my family when I quit my job and came back to town. I am not very close with my family. I particularly struggle to get along with my mom, who carries a lot of baggage from her childhood. I asked my friend if I could move in with her instead while I looked for a new job and place to live. She said that she would have to discuss this with her family, but never did, and eventually confessed to me that she didn't think it would be a good idea. I was disappointed, but I said that I understood and we did not argue.

Over this last winter things became difficult. I had to deal with some emotional problems of my own (which I did manage to find help for) and since my parents had no room for me in their house, I slept outside in an old RV with no heating. During this time my friend was very supportive and also allowed me to spend the night at her house during the weekends. In return I helped with chores, work around the farm, and ran the occasional errand. She also always insisted upon paying me for the work and always did no matter how often I told her it wasn't necessary.

My friend is in her sixties and I am in my twenties. She has three sons. The oldest lives in town in a house that my friend owns and rents to him. The middle son lives at home. They both have alcoholic tendencies. Her youngest son is married and lives on a house on her property with his wife and two children.

When I first began spending time with the family, her middle son (in his thirties) had a girlfriend who lived with them also. Last summer they broke up. My friend was the first to tell me and seemed really excited. From that point forward I fell under the impression that she wanted me to date her middle son. I kept a very safe distance for several months. She never directly said that she wanted me to date her son and I understand that it is unfair to assign motives to other people. We did discuss the situation to some degree after her son asked me to dinner. I approached her about it and she said somewhat jokingly that if I needed her to bless the meal, she would. I was concerned at that time about her son's drinking problem, but I was willing to believe that if he had something better to do and got out more it would go away.

While I was seeing her son, my friend and I talked things over again and she said that she had decided to stay out of it, that whatever occurred between her son and I was between us, and that her main concern was that it would not wreck our friendship.

I went on one dinner date and one hike with my friend's son. After that he asked me to the bar with his older brother and older brother's girlfriend. The oldest son began joking around about how I was the daughter their mother never had, how if I waited long enough she would screw me over eventually, and saying some pretty nasty things overall.

I was really upset by this and had also had a drink. Being someone who almost never drinks, I became overly emotional after only one drink. I texted the middle son and told him that I was upset, that I wasn't interested in spending time with two grown, drunk men who wanted to sit around and blame their mother for their problems, that their mom cared about them and it wasn't fair for them to say the things they had been saying. I did not tell my friend the details of the conversation, but I did tell her that they weren't being very nice and that I felt bad about the situation.

The son responded by saying that maybe our going out wasn't a great idea, that I was his mom's friend first, and I agreed that we should just part peacefully.

I apologized to my friend. I felt as though I had somehow ruined things. She talked to me and said it was okay for me to be friends with her son, that I was a good influence for him, but that I shouldn't drink with him or be attached to someone who had to drink in order to be around me, and that I was a member of their family whether I dated him or not.

Things changed, however. The room I had been staying in at her house was upstairs in the area that she rented to this son. She said she had to ask him if it was okay for me to continue staying nights there. He responded that he was fine with it during the days that he was not home. And after that it was just different. It felt wrong to me. Then one day my friend began this very long explanation about how all relationships are based on need, how someday I would find a guy and she and her family wouldn't be important to me anymore, and that this was okay because it is just how things work.

I got upset with what she was saying because my friend is the kind of person who always claims to be extraordinarily independent. She says she is not as needy as most people. I got scared that she was ditching me and I told her that not every relationship has to be based on need and also that she does need people even though she never admits the fact. She got very angry. I apologized. She said she could forgive me, but that forgetting would take longer.

Shortly afterwards my friend sent me a message saying that I was no longer allowed to speak with her about my work, by text, email, that she was not in good health, that she had too much work to catch up on, and spent way too much time talking to me. I was upset by this because I took it as a sign that our friendship was ending and I voiced some of my discomfort, but agreed to do as she asked.

Not long after that she began to tell me stories about having other mutual friends over to spend time with the horses. It hurt to hear that because to me it meant that she really did have time, but that things between us had changed. I did not fight with her. I just said I was glad she had a good time with them and let it go. In further conversations she also accused me of not really caring about horses, of only acting out of self interest, and only being interested in what she and the horses could do for me. I told her she was wrong and she said it was possible, but I could tell she didn't really think so.

Eventually, she asked me to a weekend horse seminar that she had decided to participate in with her horse, so I decided to look forward to that. She asked me to make her two clay horses to give to the presenters of the seminar and I agreed. We had a good weekend. I learned a lot at the seminar. To me it felt as though my friend and I were somewhat disconnected, but we did end on a positive note.

The seminar leaders also announced that they would be having a retreat in France this May. My friend really wanted to go. She told me she would love to sign up, but probably wouldn't be able to since her husband decided to have back surgery this year and it was very risky due to some other health conditions he has had. She would have to be home to take care of him.

I realized that I would be able to go to France and I really wanted to go also. I love horses and I love to travel. I talked it over with another friend and said that if I had to chose between my friendship and the trip to France, I would chose the friendship. This person told me that if my current friendship with this woman was worth giving up France for, then it would also survive through France. I decided to sign up, but I also decided not to tell my friend right away, given the rocky circumstances of our relationship.

The weekend seminar was amazing. It taught me a lot about how horses behave and communicate. I went to my friend's house afterwards to spend time with her and the horses. She told me that I was doing things wrong and had misunderstood what they had been teaching, that I had to move more slowly and many other things. I disagreed with her and calmly and reasonably explained why. She took great offense to this and asked me for my address so she could mail me payment for the clay horses I had made for her. I said she didn't have to pay me. I told her it was fine and to just focus on taking care of her family. She said that I was being selfish and wallowing in self-pity. I said that I simply did not want to fight.

She has said repeatedly through this recent struggle that I am not her child, that I am only a friend, that she does not want to be responsible for me in a motherly way. I accepted this, told her that is okay.

Her husband had his surgery and I counted on a mutual friend to give me updates because I was not sure that my friend would respond when I asked. She did, but it was very strained.

I eventually told her about France. She was shocked and said she was excited for me, but also jealous. I admitted that it had been difficult for me to tell her. She was upset that I hadn't told her and when I explained why she said she found it incredibly sad to find that my mind worked in such a way and that I didn't think our friendship could sustain me discussing it with her before I signed up. We continued to struggle to get along. I told her at one point that if she wanted to go to France and changed her mind later on, I would be willing to stay home and help her family and let her have my place. Her husband has told her she can go if she wants to, but she said no. She has said she won't go and that it is fine.

We argued over the drill team next. I told her I wanted to ride on the team this summer, but not if we were going to be fighting the whole time. She said she was fine with me riding and wouldn't kick me off the team for personal reasons, but proposed that we take a break during the last month until practice starts. I agreed to give her space, which has been admittedly very difficult for me, but I have done what she asked.

I do have a past history of struggling in close relationships. I am really good at connecting with people and creating a lot of positive energy on a surface level, but I do tend to overcrowd and become needy towards people who are close to me. Especially with emailing and text messages. They are always long (such as in this post), detailed, and sometimes really stress other people out even when they are not stressful to me. In the past I have done it to the point of being excommunicated by friends. It is something I am aware of and have been working really hard to correct with some success. I have also worked on dealing with some depression and anxiety that I have actually found some productive ways to handle. I understand that as a human being I have my own flaws and that I am also a work in progress.

This is also the first time I have managed to keep a friendship at least partially intact after having a strong disagreement with the other person. In the past I have allowed myself to become frustrated to the point of telling other people they are wrong, finding really good evidence to prove it, and continuously getting more angry and repeating myself to them until they shut me out. I didn't do that this time and for that I am actually pretty proud of myself.

My friend has continued to say that I am selfish, self-centered, and do not genuinely care about her, her family, or the horses beyond my own benefit. I told her that while I can admit that I have some selfish tendencies and enjoy those things because of how they benefit me, it is not the only part of me, that I do care, and she is wrong for thinking that is my only capability. We began speaking again the other day after she sent me a schedule for practices this summer, I answered briefly in order to still give her space, and she complained that I was being short and unresponsive, so I began responding normally again. Yesterday I calmly approached her again to say that I thought she was wrong for calling me selfish and saying I don't care. This morning she apologized that I found her words upsetting, but also repeated her other statement, which is that there is no right or wrong to what she says and that how I choose to see her as a person and feel about her claims is entirely dependent upon me and my own perceptions.

I don't necessarily agree with this. I think there is truth in that argument, but also that to some degree people also should be held accountable for their words and actions.

I'm just not sure where to go from here. I really do love and care about my friend. I want us to make it through this. At the same time it feels as though she has mostly moved on, while somehow keeping me attached to the side just in case. It's as if I've gone from being right hand man to some kind of potentially necessary tag-a-long.

I've also been doing a lot of soul searching and putting continuous and genuine effort into learning how I can behave in ways that are less self-centered and develop deeper, more positive connections with people. At the same time I find the current situation between my friend and I really upsetting. In light of everything that has happened, I don't seem to know how to evaluate it correctly in order to find the path that is forward for myself or for our relationship.

I'm not sure whether to try to move forward without her, which is sort of not possible right now because we will be riding together this summer. She does believe that this might be her last year on the drill team since she has developed an interest in doing dressage instead. I don't know whether or not she thinks we are still friends, whether I'm supposed to find a way to try to make that okay or not okay, I don't know what she wants, I don't know how much of what I want is supposed to play a role in our direction. Usually I let the other person decide because I'm generally not sure enough of myself to make those kinds of decisions and because I'm generally pretty happy just spending time with a friend regardless.

It is also difficult for me to act upon my own thought processes without considering input from others because I think it is important to consider all possible aspects of a situation. However, I also struggle to maintain the kind of close relationships with people who will give me that kind of input on a regular basis.

I don't know if I really do belong somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I have heard that people who are autistic have a certain style of writing that gives them away and I suppose I hoped by posting this hear that others might have some insight as to whether or not that could be true.

Any advice, perspectives, or input on this situation is greatly welcomed.

I think you were wrong to so easily dismiss all the bad things her drunken sons said. I understand your loyality but everyone has their dark side. I have mine, you have yours, she has hers. Acknowledging and understanding one's dark side makes us better in dealing with them – no matter it it's yourself, your friends, your family, ones you love.
She seems quite jealous, possessive, controlling. I don't mean she's evil but these seem to be her dark side. You can either try to deal with it or leave it. But what I'm quite sure of, it's more about her issues than yours.

Thanks, I appreciate the insight and that makes a lot of sense. I suppose I am at a point where I am trying to decide whether I want to deal with her dark side, or just move forward. My first instinct is to find a way to get along and cope with the dark side. However, at the moment it also seems as though she has somehow decided that I'm not of any further benefit to her, so then it's like maybe it really isn't worth my time, but I'm not totally sure. I guess it is just a wait and see?