We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Magna
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26 Jul 2018, 4:28 pm

I don't think I'm superior for not feeling defective for not having a burning desire to make new friends just as I don't think anyone should think I'm inferior for not having a desire to make new friends to interact with face to face. That's my point.

TwilightPrincess
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26 Jul 2018, 4:34 pm

Magna wrote:

I agree with you.

I’m also less social than most people, and I’m fine with that.

We’re all different (not superior or inferior), and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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rick42
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26 Jul 2018, 7:06 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:

rick42 wrote:

Magna wrote:

I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.

I'm not very sure that it's a common belief that all humans need or crave human interactions. Certain conditions,such as Autism/Asperger's effects social skills so much to the point where relationships beyond acquaintances are very difficult if not impossible,and to the point where friendships/romantic relationships are actually not needed becasue of the inability to make friends/romantic relationships, due to social difficulties. In many ways,that actually makes us Aspies superior compared to NT people(including NT people with other Neurological conditions).

We are not superior to NTs. It’s not an “us” versus “them” scenario. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some Aspies like to be social, and even though they probably struggle, they work hard to make friends and succeed. Having a support system is a positive thing.

Many Aspies on this site have friendships and are even married.

There's no such thing as actual social Aspie. Socializing is a NT(non AS/Autisitc thing) and we don't have the natural social skills to be social like that.The biggest part of having AS/ASD is the lack of social skills.No matter how hard we as Aspies work on our social skills,our social skills always be far worse than anyone else to the point it will still be extremely difficult if not close to impossible to make friendships.In a way we are superior compared to NT'S(non AS/ASD people)because we don't need romantic relationships or friendships unlike everyone else(including people with other Neurological conditions).Also far as NT'S themselves,NT'S (including NT'S with other Neurological conditions) depend so much on socializing and they hate Aspies. They also bully Aspies very often.Overall,I don't like NT people

Last edited by rick42 on 26 Jul 2018, 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TwilightPrincess
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26 Jul 2018, 7:20 pm

rick42 wrote:

Twilightprincess wrote:

rick42 wrote:

Magna wrote:

You are wrong. There are social, outgoing Aspies. They like and want to have friends, but they struggle with social skills. A person can be outgoing and lack social skills just like a person can be reserved and have social skills. Autism does not necessarily mean a person will be unsociable with no friends or romantic partners.

Many on this site have been diagnosed with autism and are married.

Those of us who don’t desire friendships are not superior to NTs. It’s just a difference.

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whatamievendoing
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27 Jul 2018, 3:15 am

rick42 wrote:

Quit spouting nonsense.

I'm not denying the fact that people on the autism spectrum tend to be less proficient in socializing as opposed to NTs, but that doesn't mean that we should give up on our desires to have friends or partners. I for one accept that I'm not a social butterfly, but I still have at least two amazing friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything. It can be hard, sure, but impossible? Far from it.

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auntblabby
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27 Jul 2018, 4:30 am

I have found in my decades taking up space down here, that it is far easier to be a friend than to "have" friends.

Joe90
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27 Jul 2018, 4:51 am

I wish people here would stop assuming that we are all the same. Autism is a spectrum. You can indeed get social Aspies. I'm a social Aspie. Some of my social skills I've had all my life, so those must be hardwired into me. Other social skills I had to learn the hard way so I was about 3 years behind my peers in some social aspects, but not all.

Some of us are not socially clueless. Just socially awkward or odd. There is a difference. Some of us can be social and enjoy being social.

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rick42
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27 Jul 2018, 4:38 pm

whatamievendoing wrote:

rick42 wrote:

I see no point to continue to desire something that I can't have.I made the mistake of trying be social for almost 30 years,and it led to rejection each and every single time.I also didn't realize until recently that Aspies will always have the lack of natural social skills, no matter how hard we try to improve our social skills, because that is one of the main symptoms of Asperger's/Autism. Of course we have other issues besides lack of social skills due to AS/ASD,but one of the main issues that we as Aspies have to deal is the lack of natural social skills. Our brains are wired a lot differently than anyone else and it makes to the point where it is extremely difficult to make friends or romantic relationships,oftentimes to the point where there's no point in trying.If you have friends or a romantic partner,that's great,but realize that most people with AS/ASD tend have no friends or romantic relationships due to not having the need to and/or becasue of social difficulties.

Last edited by rick42 on 27 Jul 2018, 7:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BeaArthur
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27 Jul 2018, 6:26 pm

rick42 wrote:

If you have friends or a romantic partner,that't great,but realize that most people with AS/ASD tend have no friends or romantic relationships due to not having the need to and/or becasue of social difficulties.

What is your source for this claim? Do you have any statistical data about how many friendships or romantic relationships "most people with AS/ASD" have, or are you just pulling this assertion out of your @$$?

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TwilightPrincess
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27 Jul 2018, 8:25 pm

BeaArthur wrote:

rick42 wrote:

I was going to ask that!

Based on my observations here and in real life, most people with Asperger’s have been in successful romantic relationships and most have friendships of some sort.

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auntblabby
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27 Jul 2018, 8:26 pm

nobody cares about the outliers. :alien:

TwilightPrincess
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27 Jul 2018, 8:28 pm

auntblabby wrote:

nobody cares about the outliers. :alien:

I care!

I’m an outlier in many respects.

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auntblabby
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27 Jul 2018, 8:31 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

nobody cares about the outliers. :alien:

I care!

I’m an outlier in many respects.

in terms of "most people with Asperger’s have been in successful romantic relationships and most have friendships of some sort", I am a socially daft outlier, the ones nobody cares about.

TwilightPrincess
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27 Jul 2018, 8:39 pm

auntblabby wrote:

Twilightprincess wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

nobody cares about the outliers. :alien:

I care!

I’m an outlier in many respects.

in terms of "most people with Asperger’s have been in successful romantic relationships and most have friendships of some sort", I am a socially daft outlier, the ones nobody cares about.

I don’t have any friends in real life except for my brother.

I’m working on getting a divorce from an awful marriage, so I haven’t been too successful romantically, either. It’s the only real relationship I’ve ever had.

I still think that it doesn’t mean we can’t be successful in relationships, though. Lots of Aspies are.

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auntblabby
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27 Jul 2018, 9:07 pm

we outliers can at least dream, they can't take that away from us.

guitarman2010
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28 Jul 2018, 2:16 am

I feel like that sometimes too, but I know on the other hand how miserable I can get by shutting everyone out. I am on the spectrum too and I have made friends with many different people throughout my years, I'm 34 also. I usually try to be friendly with most people but I have a hard time trusting others. In reference to romantic relationships, I have pretty much given up. I was married over 10 years to a girl I met off the internet back in 2002. She was my first relationship and I ended up marrying her after 3 years of being together. She left me back in 2015 and I've been single snice with the exception of 2 girls I met off POF, they didn't work out. So I certainly understand the frustration with socializing but I'm not shutting myself off because that's a miserable way to live. Ok, my rant is over

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