Permanent residence in the friend zone

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Hey, everybody,

I was wondering if anyone else has issues being repeatedly put in the friend zone. It seems to be a common occurrence for me and I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong in terms of dating.

So, I was late figuring out that I liked women instead of men and being on the spectrum, over the years, I'd figured out the social code for dating in terms of heterosexual relationships. Ever since I realized I'd been studying from the wrong handbook, I've found myself floundering in the way of love. One of three things usually happen, I'm usually way too into them or they're way too into me, OR and here's the most confusing one, everything seems to be great, but I get thrown in the friend zone. This last time was the most confusing because we clicked on nearly every level as far as I could tell. When I put myself out there, she said that we'd be better as friends. I legitimately do not know why.

The real b***h of it is that you just can't ask someone why you got friend zoned. In my experience, it's never ended well. When I was younger and it happened, I quickly found out that I just wasn't ready to accept the answer and it only made things worse in that I would end up losing a friend on top of losing someone I was seriously into.

I know I should probably let this one go, but I can't seem to. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, so I feel like I'm going to just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. How can I date anyone if I don't know how to make it clear that I would be a great girlfriend? Anyone else having this problem?

It's hard, really. I know.

I've been stuck in the "friendzone" many times in my life.

Please do realize that it's not always "you" that's the problem. It's really sometimes "them." Or there may be no "problem at all"---just a lack of romantic interest.

Yes, I am being overly logical in this----and many times, logic has failed me. But I believe this is, ultimately, the best approach to this.

Just continue plugging away.

People get put into the Friend Zone mainly because the people who put them there are simply not attracted to them in a romantic or sexual way. Many will simply not want a romantic or sexual relationship at all, being perfectly happy with having platonic relationships only.

Not every woman that you are attracted to will be attracted to you. Not every woman that you are attracted to will be a lesbian, bisexual, or curious (even in Ferndale). Not every woman is looking for something more than a platonic relationship.

There is no "problem", and you are not doing anything "wrong" -- it's just the way that relationships are.

Thanks for the kind words. I think my own logic tells me the same, but, you know, when it happens a lot, you start looking for the common denominator and that usually leads inwards. Thanks, though. Weirdly enough, the idea that it's just how relationships work is of some comfort.

Oh, don't get it twisted. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That much isn't lost on me. It's just hard to wrap my head around the entire concept that this is just the way it is sometimes. How do people even get together in the first place? Is it this hard for NTs? Oh, and it's so much worse when people around you start pairing up. Even my 16 year old daughter got herself a boyfriend recently.

The good news is that this time, at least, I actually *do* like the idea of being just friends with the latest girl - even feeling the way I do about her. At least, I'm pretty sure I won't mess this one up.

Shear numbers make it easier. Do NTs have greater difficulty? I don't know. Only one of my sisters has bad luck attracting the right kind of man, and as for my brothers ... I'll just say that there are a few younger people who look a lot like family running around the Lansing area.

Ha! Yeah, I got a few family members with that problem. LOL

A friend of mine told me a long time ago to just date. Just go out on dates. No expectations. No commitments. Just go out with people. Frequently. I guess that solves the numbers game, right? But, yeah, I'm on the spectrum and with that comes the whole socializing issue and...yeah. Ugh.

It's too bad we can't just make the perfect person in a lab.

My mom would tell me, "Just go to the party", whether or not I had a date. "You might meet somebody, or somebody who knows somebody", she'd also say.

"And wear clean underwear!"

Aww, MOM!

Yay for mom advice!!

I got put in the friend zone alot when trying to find a girlfriend. Lots of those women complained about wanting a guy or being interested in the wrong guys & they'd tell me how they wish they could find a guy like me or who has some characteristics I have but they were NOT willing to date me. It's pretty frustrating when women keep complaining to you but aren't willing to give you half a chance.
I did break the friend zone 1ce thou. Me & my 1st girlfriend were great online friends before she told me she liked me. I wasn't really wanting a realtionship before then when I realized I liked her too.

I do hope for that. I realized the other day that I don't think I've ever had a relationship where the person I was with was as into me as I was into them. Because of the whole hetero confusion, I don't have an experience of being with someone that I really want to be with mind, body and soul and vice versa. For once, I'd like that experience.

I feel you though on the whole "YOURSOAWESOMEWHYCANTIFINDSOMEONELIKEYOU" thing. I don't understand that, really. The only explanation is that humans are very odd creatures that follow very odd rules that are sometimes pretty illogical and that's just how it is. Sometimes they're just not that into me. Sometimes, they are too into me. Sometimes, they don't know what they *really* want. Sometimes they just don't want me for whatever reason seems rational to them. It all applies and it's all valid and I don't really know why it all applies and it's all valid.

It's really a wonder everyone just doesn't go completely insane trying to figure it out.