Friend's mom snubbing her son's friends

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Hi,
I attended a birthday party this afternoon for a friend who is about 32 years old who happens to be on the spectrum and still live at home with his mom. Anyway, she seems to throw a party for him every year at a bowling alley that has a video game arcade where one can win things. Though they are plenty of things to do for adults there, she tends to create these parties as if we are a group of 10-year-olds.

While these parties go on, I have noticed that his mom doesn't seem to take any interest in bowling with us or really getting to know us. Instead, she is more interested in talking with other parents of adult children who are friends with my friend too. I have tried to reach out to her today and I tried to be friendly but she was very cold. I am disappointed in her today.

Hmmm. Are none of the "adult children" themselves parents? I'm under the impression that a lot of parents tend to feel that they have nothing in common with people who aren't parents.

Also, are all the "adult children" on the spectrum and all the parents NT's? If so, that's another social divide, I would guess.

How high/low functioning is this friend of yours? If he's very low functioning and childish for his age, there's a high chance that his mom thinks that his friends are as well and so can't think of anything to talk about with them or that she feels uncomfortable talking with people who look like adults but are likely to act like children.

When my daughter goes to birthdays or has a birthday we only talk to other parents. I think this is the social norm. It's probably just an intergenerational thing.

Hello There,

It was really nice of your friend's Mom to throw him a party like that. I hope you enjoyed yourself, and that your friend had a great birthday to.

Maybe his Mom doesn't feel connected to her Son's friends, as being friends of her own? And maybe she feels more connected to "The Parents" of her son's friends? (being closer in age) Maybe the coldness is uncomfortableness on her side and not related to you?

Has your friend, and yourself had the same friendship group, growing up? This may have set the dynamic - Parent throws fun party for son/daughter. Parent watches on, but also enjoys catching up/chatting with the other parents on the day. (kind of like a wind down for her, after all the planning and preparations)

I'm only guessing here, as I wasn't there to see what happened. I'm hoping it wasn't an intentional slight towards you.
Either way, I really hope you enjoyed yourself!

He is very high functioning but he has some impairments that cause him to be a little immature where he blurts things out. He also has a hard time with sudden noises like fireworks that cause him to have outbursts. He would be able to be on his own with the help of the right roommate situation. I talked to him yesterday and he told me and he doesn't really get along with his mom because she is controlling and is tired of living with her. He honestly could do a birthday celebration without the need of his mom or sister by having his friends chip in for a bowling session and allow all of us to pay for our own food.

As for his friends, most of us are on the mild end of the spectrum and can hold down jobs and do everything on our own except for one adult who is moderate.

Observing his mom, she didn't smile or anything. Even when she greeted us there was not "Thank you for coming," "I appreciate you coming. Instead, she scowled and rolled her eyes and just kind of bossed us around like we were little kids. When I talked to her, she seemed really stingy to me though I didn't expect her to buy us alcohol. I said, that I like a drink and it was "So does my son but I am not buying. Later on, I tried to talk to her at the bar and she kept reminding me that she was buying alcohol and I politely said I would buy my own if there was a drink that I was interested in. She coldly said, "Do your thing." Then when it was my turn to bowl, I forgot an empty fast food cup which she nagged at me about. "Is that your drink? Would you take that with you?" I said, "Please don't condescend with me. I don't like the way you are treating me this way. You are being very rude," when I walked away.

Is it possible that she perceives (correctly or not) that her son may have problems with alcohol, and hence is nervous about his friends drinking around him -- but not sufficiently nervous to outright prohibit drinking at the party?

However, if one or more of the kids WANTED to talk to you, would you outright avoid this? Would you be willing to talk to one or more of the kids for a little while, and would you be friendly to them while doing so, even though you would prefer to spend MOST of your time talking to the parents?

Is she like this at his other birthday get togethers?

There may have been a lot of reasons.

It's hard to really know what's happening for another person, or what's happening in their family unit. We seem to see what they allow us to see.

It's good that he has a friend like you to talk to.

I hope the day wasn't too uncomfortable for you.

In the real world kids don't talk or hold a conversation with other older people. I understand the OP is talking about 32 yr old children but the integenerational difference should be apparent between a 60 yr old who doesn't know how to use a computer and who's point of reference might be television from the 1980s versus a 30 yr old who breaks every 5 words spoken staring/gazing at their phone.

Moana:
Yes, I would because I am a people person and I would like to make my children's friends feel welcome by making them feel accepted. In most healthy cases, I see parents of adult children rolling out the red carpet for their friends. They even take an interest in talking to them.

In the disability world, I have had friends like in this case where the parents are protective and everyone I have met has seemed to be cold towards the friends of their adult child with the disability. In fact, they put on a fake front and then get us together but then run off and do things with the "Grown-ups." When I try to interact with them it, "Go play." To honest, I am sick of these kinds of circumstances. To be honest, I'm mad at her for not wanting to invest any time like that. Yet, I am sure she would be more interested if it were her NT daughter's friends and I feel we deserve to be treated with respect to disability or not.

As for being comfortable goes, I learned that I could breath when she was not around but when she was, I could feel my blood pressure rising. Luckily, I only see her at least once a year. Other than that, I just see him.

I think you need to consider that adults of disabled kids are often more stressed than regular parents and if they are anything like the parents who attend birthday parties I have been to they have to strain to make an effort to talk to other parents let alone talk to other children.

I'm used to hanging out in subcultures in which there was not so much age segregation, and in which people had other things to talk about besides pop culture.

When I was in my twenties, nearly all my friends were people between 10 and 30 years older than me. Recently, most of my budding friendships have been with people quite a bit younger than me.

Currently my ambitions involve encouraging the growth, development, and organization of the local autistic community. As the community grows, it is my hope that we can reject age segregation for the most part -- at least among autistic adults ourselves, if not the parents. Personally I think it's natural for autistic people not to care about the age of our friends all that much (even though many of us do care about the age of potential romantic partners).

It sounds like she's hoping to socialize with other people in her shoes, not people in her son's shoes.

This is off topic but my ex-friend, who I am writing about right now is also on the spectrum and is 11 years older. For many years that wasn't a problem and then she dumped me and started using age segregation as an excuse to prove that we can't be friends.

I have been involved in Aspie meetup groups for girls my daughter's age (Here in Melbourne)and both the parents and children make little or no effort to respond me or my wife. I actually find NT children to be more likely to be friendly and chatty but I understand and accept that autism makes social interaction challenging so don't hold grudges.