Having your "social programing" misconstrued :(

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Hi, I'm an Aspie woman. I recently have had issues where my actions are being completely misconstrued.

I mentioned to a close and trusted friend that I hated being looked at and find it an excercise in fear to go out. I hate being stared at by old men in particular because of childhood trauma. I was meant to go to an event that would be full of old men from work. Initially I thought it might be ok. I knew one person going but not many others. As the day got closer, I wasn't up for it. Being raised to never rock the boat (slap if you do) I couldn't just say "no, I don't want to go". It would be rude. I have to make an excuse, which I did.

I don't know where the communication got tangled with my friend and I. Maybe he thought I didn't know them. He said I was being stared at by those old men because of my actions. Because I am too nice to them, I smile at them, and this one gets me.. he said I hug "random people" and it will get me labelled as "Easy".

I was upset. Here is someone I trusted telling me I was being too nice, telling me I smile AT people (despite him telling me to smile also) though I have to for work. And lastly.. hugs to random strangers?? What the Nightmare heck? I *learnt* to hug family and friends I trust. I *smile* to preempt the danged order to smile (also for work, and because I am a terrible punner and smart alec to peeps who can handle). Nice is my nature and my upbringing!

I don't know where he got any of these ideas. It hurt coming from him too. I don't get how? And now I have to relearn my social skills? It took 25 years to "get it". 25 years of research, experiments, books and determination to pass as NT. And then I carried on with those templates until now at 38 where I have to, what, redo? That gonna take time! And it's not like there's courses! And Googling it gives you sooo many different answers now.. eesh.

I work with a lot of NT's in a customer service role. I feel that they've been gossiping. I think the danged glass box showed. The glass box that seems to separate me from societal norms and people. Something made them notice the glint. I don't know what. I think he may have overheard it or just added his own template of MY behaviours to him, to my encounters with others? I don't know. It's exhausting.

I guess I am asking or venting.. what do I do? Do I not smile? Try and do a, like, close lipped smile; no smile? Do I never talk or engage with these peeps, the only social interaction I get? How do I manage for work where I must meet the customer's eyes (tip: look at the mouth! Close enough to the eyes AND it helps with "hearing") and smile? What if a "No" means I get ostracised, or the indignity of MORE misconstruing? What if this is all out of my control anyway? Should I care?

I care, because being considered "Easy" is bad. I don't want people preying on me anymore! I want them to leave me alone. Halp!

You sound like a nice person, the old men sound like creeps/pervs/typical for around where I'm at, and your friend, pardon my expression, is ignorant.

The "glass box" is a new one on me.

"Easy?" In this culture that's ALL people think about.

Just carry on, and it's perfectly acceptable to say you're not interested in going someplace.

Let's hope someone else adds in a little more--in the meantime hang in there.

Hi,

How funny that the previous user mentioned he doesn't like it when one talks about people as computers, I do that all the time when talking about myself - I know nobody is a computer/cyborg, I just find it a good analogy to explain things.

Anyway, it is true that it is very hard to learn how to act. Yesterday I discussed this very topic with my husband, and I explained to him how my behaviour has changed when changing workplace, based on what I observed regarding how interactions were carried out. I have now decided to change this and adapt it to how I want it to be, because I don't really like touching anyone's arm/shoulder when saying hi nor having the stupid kiss on the cheek (which are sort of standard things in my country). Ugh! Germs! Body contact! Too much! So i have come to realise this is part of masking and I can just stop doing it.

Regarding your problem, if you're comfortable smiling and hugging people, go for it. I wouldn't give a rat's ass. As long as nobody tries to cross any boundaries, what do you care?

And as others have said: if you don't feel comfortable going somewhere, don't go.

I really disliked what your 'friend' said, he seems very old fashioned. He needs to remember this is 2019, for heavens' sake!

Cheers.

+1 what he said.

I'm about as "old-fashioned" as it comes, but I still think your friend was misinformed. No, perhaps, just plain cruel.

You're fine. Confidence is what it takes. Confidence is trust, and trust begins where fear ends. So perhaps put his thoughts (which bring fear) far away from you, and begin to experience on your own. It may take months, but you will find trust. Trust yourself. Then you get confidence, and people will want to hug you so it will rub off on them!