New girl in my office

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I work in a predominantly female environment and what I notice is the younger females are too immature to hold a proper conversation. Not saying they are dumb (I am sure many are smarter than me) but they are too immature to be sincerely interested in intellectual thought process.

You have a PhD in physics and doing a second in math....you can count in single digits the number of 20 something females who would be be capable of holding a conversation with you.

Oh and before I get accused of being sexist women appear to not be drawn to math orientated pursuits https://www.nature.com/scitable/forums/ ... -19620118/

So my advice...ignore the b***h...you have better things to do

I'd dare say it's young people in general who tend to be immature. Plus, some people can be very immature most of the time but be perfectly cabable of handling things like adults when the situation truly calls for it.

But seriously, calling some woman a B just because of some things some random dude says in the internet, especially when she hasn't really done anything wrong and it's him who hasn't treated her with what can be called basic manners, even if his rude behavior hasn't been intentional? You really need to think things through again...

Ok well...the b-word was probably uncalled for but I work with younger females and they often display a "I'm better than you attitude" which is rather "bitchy" and seems to be over-compensating perhaps wanting to assert themselves because they are female.

The bitchiness may also come from hiding the fact they are intimidated and they don't know how to handle intelligent articulate males like myself or the OP.

Poor woman, obviously weirded out by the OP's strange behaviour.

To make things even weirder. The OP has demanded an explanation, which she doesn't owe him.

She should give him a wide berth.

Which is exactly what I asked him to do?

Sorry, I don't really understand your question.

I find the OP's behaviour weird, I find it embarrassing just to read about it.

I pity the woman, in my opinion she is the victim not him.

it's not a question? I asked to OP to give the girl a wide berth

There's no point in pursuing a friendship when the other party is clearly not interested...the OP's expectations were too high

I have the exact same experience with older people in the work place, so maybe it's just a generation gap? As in, the older people (not all of them, but many) often have a "I'm older, of course I know better" -type of attitude, acting like their age justifies their rude behaviour to younger people.

Maybe they're just intimidated of new people who might have new ideas that they didn't think of and fear that they'll climb up the corporate ladder to their level if they let their guard down?

Hmm another sentence with a question mark at the end....but is it a question ?

Yeah, they should avoid each for sure!

We're not there, so we don't know. If most of us can't judge the situation correctly in person, how the heck could we from online? Maybe one of you can, but not me. I'm going with the assumption that QFT means well, but is having a negative impact and likewise for the other person (they mean well, but are having a negative impact). This describes a large part of my marriage --- my husband is NT but his communication is AWFUL (he's considering PTSD). I'm ASD (hypersensitive type) and get easily upset about EVERYTHING. Plus my BFF (hyposensitive type) was unresponsive to spontaneous conversations until her late 30s. It wasn't personal to others.

@QFT hopefully you find some of my responses helpful; if not tell me and I'll save my energy. I probably couldn't tell otherwise.

So to other folks' points. If the assumption is she doesn't want to talk to YOU (personally) and that will NOT change, then I your response seems fair enough: reciprocal, taking the "hint". If one assumes it's not that (my premise), then to me it's childish: not allowing for individual strengths and weaknesses, nor change --- SHE must behave a certain way (yuck). I have difficulties asserting myself, so if I met you I wonder how *I* would respond. Honestly: If I were your age or needing to work aside you, I would be intimidated (more closed) and if I were older (to OP's point) or not needing to work aside you, I would be merely amused (more open).


I am a change agent; it frustrates me when people say "that's how it is" and don't take action => do something. Then again, some things are not worth the effort to change => let it go.


Candidly: That doesn't feel good to me. Your intention may be intellectual discourse, but I experience that response negatively. This statement is probably the reason I delayed responding.


Well said. That's how it feels. In this situation objective is subjective: it's who defines the standards and in this case the standards don't fit me. From their perspective it's logical: IF so-and-so is great to party with (personable, chit-chat) and can improvise (good executive function, verbal skills), THEN so-and-so gets paid more/promoted. From my perspective: that in certain situations and... IF so-and-so is honest and efficient (productive), THEN...


It was an infertility support group for a nationally renowned clinic. I prefer not to look it up.


This reminds me of the "do I wish I was diagnosed earlier" dilemma (which I spell "dilemna" b/c of cultural influence). Life would have been less painful, but then it wouldn't be what it is now. Teasing: Someone should make a movie about that theme.


Thank you for relating. That feels good and encourages me to respond.


That: Gentleman/Lady, Man/Woman, Guy/Gal, Boy/Girl. "Gal" went out of fashion (per previously referenced chart) so the language is not balanced. Although being a nonconformist, I say "gal" when others say "guy". I see that age is a factor and there is a transitory zone. Kind of like when I went from "Miss" to "M'am" at some point in the eyes of others. What does that transition look like for boys/guys/men?

Give this man a cigar!

oh that MUST be it

Actually my situation is the opposite; I was the new person. The younger females are intimidated by knowledge base and experience as a scientific researcher. I speak with a proper English pronunciation (I don't have a "Paul Hogan" Australian drawl) and I can see every-time I open my mouth they jump out of their skin (which I find amusing).

As I said before, I am sure many consider themselves to be intelligent and a few are very quick to process information (so I am not suggesting I have a higher IQ) but I clearly detect an "attitude" even when I present with a cheerful disposition and a smile.

If I was to do a simple correlation coefficient I could plot the age of the females I work with - the oldest ones are the easiest to work with (relatively easier to connect with) and as their age gets younger they become harder to deal with. The youngest ones are the worst.

It's probably due to developmental factors, younger females are going through a phase where they haven't established their social identity and are anxious to identify with people whom they want to network with or whom they consider will help their social ladder climbing. I am not that person.

I have been told gender-neutral equivalent of it: as in when I asked in gender-neutral way why don't most students talk to me I been told that I appear too smart. But I don't think it flies: if I was truly so smart, I would be a professor instead of doing the second ph.d. So how come those people -- that successfully became professors -- aren't "too smart" to have friends and a girlfriend yet I am? I think the real thing is that I am socially awkward -- and after things like Rainman and Sheldon people associate social awkwardness with savant abilities which in real life is simply not true.

I think one thing I *could* say is that the school I am currently at ranks really low (in contrast to the school where I did my first phd which ranks very high) so I might be smart compared to students here. But even that is not entirely true. I can think of a specific student who appeared quite smart in some of the classes and he made ME feel self conscious since I tend to space out. So why aren't people intimidated by HIM, why are they only intimidated by ME? So apaprently its not about intellect. The intellect is just an excuse people come up with when I push them for the answer.



In case you didn't know, people who share office are in the same department. So that girl is in math department -- as evident by her being in my office -- and, therefore, your statement about overall statistics is irrelevant.

The way you separated the first and the second line suggests that my behavior BEFORE I asked that question was ALREADY weird. But, if so, in what way? Obviously I wasn't aware of staring, since it didn't cross my mind until I learned about that answer that she gave. So isn't this the EXACT thing Asperger is about: being unaware of nonverbal communication? So are you saying my Asperger is more severe than everyone else's on this board and thats why you can't relate to it, or are you saying that I am misunderstanding what Asperger is?

Which of the two things would make her a victim? Is it (1) staring or (2) asking that question?

As far as (1) is concerned, I have no control over it since I am unaware of how I look like unless I look at myself in the mirror. As far as (2) is concerned, I would say the opposite: I am shocked myself that I asked that question so it is frustrating when, on my end, I know I won't do (2) again (just for the sheer fact of how shocking I found) yet others think I might, and I don't know how to change the past. So in both cases I am helpless. With (1) I don't see my body language, with (2) I can't change the past. Being helpless is what makes one a victim. Thats why I see myself as a victim.

If people were to tell me what can I do to fix the mess I created then I won't see myself as a victim any more: I will go ahead and fix it. But I am not being told to fix anything -- quite the opposite, I am being told that they don't want to have anything from me (not even the fixing); so how am I supposed to feel then? I am the victim to my past, as in I can't change the past.

And the other thing is this: that woman suffered few minutes of negative interaction with me; I am going to suffer the whole upcoming year of ostracism from her. That woman is suffering from exposure to someone ELSE who is weird, I am suffering from MYSELF being labeled as weird. Surely the latter hurts more than the former.

To be fair, I can respond to some of the points I just made. I was bitten by a dog when I was 6 and I am afraid of dogs ever since. So even though I "technically" suffered just that one day when I was 6, in reality I am suffering my whole life when I have to keep running away from the dogs each time I go to park. So with the girl its the same thing: she suffers every time she comes to the office (despite the fact that I no longer say or do anything) just like I suffer every time I come to park (despite the fact that dogs in the park don't bite me).

But still, what I just said doesn't change the fact that I am a victim, too. So I guess we are both victims. She has to be scared of me each time she walks into the office, and I have to feel ostracism each time I have to walk into the office. And neither of us can do anything about it -- since I can't go back and change the past. I guess one way in which her situation is better is that she has a support system with her friends, while I don't have any support system I am just left on my own. And also, being afraid of dogs doesn't ruin my life nearly as much as being ostracized. With dogs I have to face that fear "only" when I go to park. With ostracism, I have to face it every walking minute of my day.