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KT67
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27 Feb 2021, 12:12 pm

Is this normal?

I don't mean literally... I don't catfish or pretend to be someone else. Too immoral or too hard and bad for me to do that.

Still though...

Every website I go on, I'm a different kind of person.

It's all me but it's different sides of me.

If I was my Tumblr self on Twitter, I'd feel vulnerable. If I was my Twitter self on Tumblr (or - as I learned last year, on here) I'd confuse people & be seen as a bit thick. If I was my Pinterest self on Tumblr I'd be 'cancelled', if I was my Pinterest self on Twitter I'd be pushing it as far as people's transphobia's concerned...

Is it normal to show different sides to different sites?

Mum said she does that with friends too. Irl. People she's known for years. She has her girly shopping friends and she has her tomboy friend that she meets up for coffees with and she has her booky friends and her housy friends etc and she talks about different stuff with each of them.

I feel like if I did that irl I would be hiding part of myself from the person esp cos people are so nosy! I don't feel in control of the conversation when it happens irl or even in real time (eg Discord).


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graceksjp
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27 Feb 2021, 12:59 pm

I think most people do this. I sure as hell do. Its like the social media version of code switching.
I change the way I "talk" online depending on my audience and level of anonymity. Plus the social context of each site. My Facebook (where all my extended family, old teachers, school associations, etc follow me) is a whole different world compared to my private Twitter page where I rant about life. I think its fine. Just like you wouldn't discuss with your parents the same topics you share with your best friend.


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HeroOfHyrule
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27 Feb 2021, 1:14 pm

I change the way I type and the things I talk about depending on what site I'm using. It's like masking, at least for me it is. I figure out what's acceptable and what seems to make me easy to talk to, then just copy it. Just like I do in real life.

On forums for autistic people and when messaging my friends I "mask" the least, then on other sites I'm a very different person. I even do that mind numbing text-talk stuff ("r" instead of "are", "u" instead of "you", etc.) because on some sites it seems like no one uses grammar, for some reason.


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mohsart
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27 Feb 2021, 2:04 pm

It's just like IRL.
I don't behave and talk the same with my grandparents as I do with my friends. I don't talk and behave the same at work as I do at the chess club.

/Mats


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uncommondenominator
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27 Feb 2021, 2:16 pm

This is something most people do. The expectations of the venue effect the behaviors engaged in. It's ok to talk loud - necessary even - at a rock concert. But not at a library. Because the two locations serve different purposes.

Despite complaints regarding it, "masking" is actually a normal part of life, for pretty much everyone. When you look at an NT, and their behavior seems "fake" or "contrived", that's cos they're masking, too, and you're seeing thru their mask.

Like the expression "When in Rome, do as the Romans", or even more simply, when you're in someone else's house you respect their house rules - while you don't have to pretend to be someone else, sometimes we DO have to suspend certain behaviors temporarily, or engage in certain behaviors temporarily, purely as a matter of respect. It is entirely possible to do these things, AND still be yourself. Perhaps not ALL of yourself, all at once, all the time, but the need to restrain or steer certain behaviors in certain situations is generally a part of life - and just cos you can't express EVERY part of you doesn't mean the parts you ARE expressing are or have to be fake.

Despite what people claim, I have never found it necessary to conform, agree, kowtow, engage in "groupthink" or "not be different" in order to fit in and make friends. Those are just the excuses given, the things blamed.

Logically, if conformity were necessary, then exceptionalism should be stigmatized just as much as underachievement, since both are drastically outside the norm. Yet people are even more willing to include exceptional people into groups. Which seems exactly why some people mistakenly believe you have to be a perfect fake person to make friends.

Generally, it's not what you're doing, it's HOW you're doing it. It's not the fact that someone talks during a movie - it's that they talk loudly over the entire movie. But the person who receives complaints about "talking during movies" might mistakenly believe they shouldn't talk AT ALL during movies, when it's really the WAY and DEGREE they talk during movies. But then all they see is "some people talk, and that's ok, but I'M not supposed to talk...!" - failing to realize the DIFFERENCE. It's ok when joey talks during a movie, cos he only does it a few times, does it quietly, and doesn't do it when you might miss part of the movie - if the other person did things similarly, there'd be no issue - the issue isn't the talking itself - it's doing it SO MUCH, SO LOUDLY, and at poorly timed points, that the other person can no longer even pay attention to the movie.

Basically, you can typically be whoever you want, so long as you don't sink the ship. It's finding and understanding that balance that gives people trouble.

Personally, when I'm at work, I speak like a G-rated kids show. But at home, I curse like a filthy sailor. So much so that a coworker almost fell out of their chair the first time they heard me curse. I don't feel like I "can't be myself" just cos I don't curse at work. I am still me, just with less profanity. I still choose what words I use instead. It's still all me. Just a custom tailored me.

Even animals' behavior changes depending on the situation.

So yeah, pretty normal.



KT67
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27 Feb 2021, 4:54 pm

See idk if it's an aspie thing or a social anxiety disorder thing but when I used to mask, it was different to this.

Choosing which parts of yourself to reveal is different to choosing to pretend to be an entirely different person.

When I masked, I tried to be a super feminine, super professional, perfect although also normal, person because that was what 'society wanted'.

When I code switch, I choose which part of me meshes best with the site and I reveal only that part of myself. Still coming from me and still coming from a place of 'take me or leave me' and being myself. I wish I had the skill to do that offline, too, then I could have various kinds of friends.

I think it was a social anxiety disorder thing with me for the reason that I have always (obviously) been autistic & before money came into the equation, I was fine acting like myself - maybe code switching, probably not, oblivious to all that. Then external forces came in telling me exactly the 'woman' who would be perfect to hire & exactly the 'woman' who everyone wanted to be friends with. I tried to be her. I failed - nobody is perfect and her natural tendencies were far from my own.

Nowadays, it all starts with a deep understanding of myself, then I reveal aspects of it to others. To use a metaphor: the moon is always a rock in space, sometimes people on earth can see one whole face of it, sometimes a crescent, sometimes a half. But it is still always there, always whole, beyond all that.

Online if you choose to be an entirely different person, I think that is a form of 'catfishing'. I'm not doing that.


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