Pity friendships: a different perspective

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How am I "treating her very bad" if it is commonplace not to respond to facebook messages? As I said most people don't respond to my messages. I didn't do anything "beyond" what I saw a lot of people doing.

Now it might come across as if I did, because I keep bragging about it. But like I said, a homeless person would brag about some crumbs. But that won't make those crumbs a piece of pie. They are still crumbs.

Okay here is the thing: I have zero friends, she probably has lots. So since I don't have friends thats why I write walls of text about some pity friend. But since she has lots of friends it wouldn't phase her one bit that I don't respond. The only reason she sends multiple messages in a row is pity. Otherwise she isn't hurt: she has plenty of other friends. I am sure if I had as many friends as she does I wouldn't be that bothered about one person not replying. Yet it gives me validation on my end: its called wishful thinking.

I think what people are getting at is in your shoes they would simply reject the friendship not pretend like they accept it just so they have a person to treat like crap.

And you don't know if it would be hurtful or not, maybe she doesn't care but that doesn't make it right.

What does it mean to reject the friendship though? If you are in a romantic relationship then, yes, you have to officially break up. But in case of friendship, most people don't send "break up texts" with regards to just friendship. They simply stop engaging. Which is pretty much what I did.

Of course I didn't "stop engaging" since I was writing walls of text about it. But, again, she is not on WrongPlanet, nor is she a mind reader. So, as far as she is concerned, my actions did, in fact, amount to "stop engaging".



In what way is it not right? Like others mentioned, its normal to end friendship. And, as I pointed out, "ending friendship" doesn't include "break up texts" (unless it is romantic relationship, which it isn't).

Okay here is a simple question:

--- On the first page of this thread most people said they wouldn't take pity friend

--- Yet on the second and third pages I am getting attacked for the fact that I didn't

So what is the difference between what I did and what other suggested?

Is it the walls of text that I wrote?

Well, how are they relevant, if she isn't on WrongPlanet to read them.

Is it the fact that I didn't "officially end the friendship"?

Well, a friendship is not a romantic relationship, it doesn't require break up texts.

I mean they would not accept the friendship advances such as giving contact info or offers to spend time with them initially. Rather than allowing the person to think they did accept the friendship just so they can treat them like crap and ghost them when they get bored of them.

And it's not right because it's just generally not a good idea to react to kindness by biting the hand that feeds.

Also, yes in friendship situations people do communicate if they don't want to be friends anymore, some people even do refer to it as breaking up with a friend. Of course people use the approach of ghosting to, but it's a jerk move.

You said:


Based on that it is evident that you insincerely accepted her friendship advances in the hope she'd stick around for a while so you can treat her like crap.

So, you did take the pity friend, so you could mistreat them. People on this thread are implying you shouldn't have accepted her friendship in the first place. Or that since you did you shouldn't mistreat her.

If I like somebody it's because I'm looking at whats admirable in that person, not what's pitiable.

Me too. Looking at people's strengths & not weaknesses is far more enjoyable.

So are you saying that its basically "once friend always friend". You are free to reject friendship initially, but once you accepted it you are stuck?

Well, thats just not the case. If you look throughout your entire life, I am sure that most of your friends 10 years ago you aren't friends with any more.



If that was the case, life would be so great. All I would have to do is do something kind to someone. And booom, I get new friend.

Now, did I do anything kind to people recently? Not really: since most people don't even say hello to me, that would be weird.

But still, are you saying that if I just "decide" to do something kind to someone, I would get automatic friend?

My common sense tells me otherwise. I think most people would be creeped out.



The reason I was saying that friendships won't require a breakup letter is that, in case of friendship, its hard to answer "yes or no" question as to whether we are friends or not. With romantic relationships there is always a yes or no answer to whether people are "official", so when "yes" turns into "no", thats when "break up letter" is sent. With friendships, that is just not the case. There is no such thing as "officially being friends" or "officially not being friends". Different people define friendship differently. Thus, there is no real point where a "breaking up with a friend" would take place.

Could it be that you are referring to really close friendships? Because my friendship with her was never that close. She was basically offering me some basic communication that most people take for granted.

One other thing I was thinking of is that female friendships are probably a lot more emotional than male friendships. So perhaps what you described only refers to the former?

I guess I realize that she is a female. But since I am a male, would she really expect me to do the female things? And besides, even with female friendships, probably "breaking up with friends" pertains only to really close friendships, and we haven't reached that stage yet. Not by far.



I had plenty of semi-friends who would stop talking to me. And they wouldn't even mean to cut friendship. Case in point. So I met that girl at the BIble study. When I message on facebook the leader of the Bible study (a male, probably in his 60-s), sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't. Most of the time he doesn't. Yet he invited me to go for lunch with him tomorrow. So how would you interpret this? The point being that if two friends aren't that close, then nothing obligates them to really write each other in any regularity or respond to each other's messages.

-No I am not saying once friends you always have to be friends, you can at any time say you don't want to hang out or talk with them anymore if that's how you feel. The problem here is you knew you didn't want to be friends with her in the first place but still let her in your life as a friend, knowing you were only doing it to mistreat her.

-Also, no I don't think if you just do something nice you automatically get a friend, I am saying if you treat people who offer you kindness badly (even if you figure it's out of pity) you won't get any friends at all.

-And of course friendships don't require a break up letter, but it's certainly not unusual for people to tell someone they don't want to be friends anymore and cut contact regardless of how close of a friendship it is. Also if she was inviting you to an event on facebook and offering to go with you that seems a little more than just offering basic communication. And you responded by ignoring her.

-Would it have killed you to have simply told her you weren't interested in the event, instead of just leaving her hanging? Or would it have been so bad actually meet up with her for the event and taken the opportunity to meet more people and perhaps had an enjoyable time.

Actually I didn't know it from the start. Let me give you a summary of what caused me to change my mind and do it later. So this group has regular Bible studies every week, while dinners like I described in OP are only once in a while. So anyway, in the past years it was mostly male (with one specific female) but this year there were a bunch of new people, most of them were females. One was A-girl the other was N-girl (I don't want to use their full names).

So the "pity friend" was the N-girl. And the N-girl wasn't even talking to me up until I threw those tantrums two months after she jointed the group, which is precisely what makes me think she is a pity friend.

On the other hand, the A-girl expressed signs of interest two months earlier. And no I didn't throw any tantrums back then. She expressed signs of interest all on her own when she first joined. So I don't view A-girl as pitying me (I only view N-girl that way). And in fact I wish I could reciprocate the signs that A-girl was giving me, and I am beating myself up for the fact that I didn't. She stopped coming after few weeks, which made me wonder whether or not she was specifically avoiding me because she is interested in me and she thinks I am not. But I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't have her contact information (I only obtained it later, from the group leader).

Well from what she is telling me now, she wasn't interested back then either. She is just trying to be "friendly towards everyone". But I don't know whether I can believe her. It really feels like she is trying to let me down easy. But then again it is also possible I see more meaning into it than there is, simply because I have no friends so I can confuse friendship with romantic interest. Its possible.

Now, here is the timing coincidence that led to my behavior towards N-girl So that dinner with the N-girl happened two months *AFTER* the A-girl seemingly-expressed signs of interest. And like I said she wasn't coming to that Bible study for over a month, nor did she come to that dinner either. But then, few days AFTER that dinner, I contacted the A-girl asking her whether she was in fact interested all the way back then, whether I blew it by not reciprocating and whether I could have another chance. She told me she had a boyfriend. So then I asked her how long ago she found a boyfriend in order to determine whether or not to "beat myself up" for not reaching out to her earlier. She didn't answer that email. What she did instead was to bring her boyfriend to the next Bible study. And she also kind of flounted her boyfriend too. Like we were supposed to say one thing about ourselves as an introduction (as in, our major or what not) and she said she had a boyfriend.

Now, considering that she wasn't coming to Bible study for over a month, and then she came literally few days after I wrote her that email, AND she made such a scene of her boyfriend, that made it feel like she did all that just to hurt me. So that made me want to send a message "hey I am not getting hurt, I don't give a crap about any of you anyway".

Well, I couldn't send this message by ignoring A-girl, since she didn't give me any chance to ignore her. So the only person to ignore was N-girl. Thats why I wrote OP the way I wrote. If N-girl wasn't around then basically there would be no way of taking a revenge for what A-girl did. But the presence of N-girl allowed me to make some type of revenge -- even though it is a rather half-assed one.

The other thing I was thinking was the following. If N-girl were to walk with me towards that Bible study, would A-girl and others think that N-girl is my "imaginary girlfriend"? Because I read on the internet about some desperate guys who call random girls their girlfriends. Now I am not one of them. But I don't want anyone else to suspect that I am.

But the point is: the pity friendship with N-girl started a week before A-girl flounted her boyfriend Thats why when the pity friendship started, I intended to pursue it, but a week later I changed my mind.

Yes, but that's possible with every person you meet and complain to. Likewise, every person being friendly or talking to you has a chance of them doing it only out of pity because you looked lonely or something. So, where do you draw the line on if they're genuinely interested in you or pitying you?

Also, you didn't answer my question. If what the one in example three is doing is doing things wrong, then what exactly do you want people to do after you complain to them?

Just because other people are as*holes....doesn't mean you have to be an as*hole as well.....

The issue here is "not" the fact that I complained, but the fact that I was throwing temper tantrums described in the OP (please re-read the OP to remind yourself). In fact in your own reply that is what you were referring to. You probably forgot about it between then and now since few weeks passed. So please re-read my OP and that would remind you why you wrote what you wrote.