Pity friendships: a different perspective

Post Reply New Topic

!	Cornflake wrote:
	Not constructive - or even friendly, rse92. Knock it off. If you have nothing to add to the discussion then say nothing.

Of course, I can't be 100 % what it is, but the instinct thing is something I'm pretty sure is the case. As for what it is that people's instinct tells them to be off about you, that's what my "ifs" are for since I'm less sure of what the thing that is off is or if there are several of them.

So, my concrete answer, which could be wrong since I don't know those people, is that their instincts tell them to do so. If you ask why their instincts tell them to do so, I can only make guesses based on what I know of you, them and the situation, but can't give any certain facts.



Yes, trial and error is a good way to go about things.



Are your clothes messy? Dirty, wrinkled, got holes? If yes, I'm pretty sure you already know what to do about that one. Having a set style might help too, but if there's trouble with the formerly mentioned, start with that. Then there's stuff like off putting body language and such, which I'm pretty sure I struggle with too, which is harder to fix, but reading about proper body language would be a good start. Just a few mentions of what else you could do.

My own general thought about pity-friendships:

Personally I think the best way to handle a pity-friendship (if you're the one being pitied) is to try to win the other person's respect, if possible, and thereby turn the pity-friendship into a more-equal and thereby more-real friendship.

To win the other person's respect:

1) DON'T spend most of your time with that person talking about your troubles. It's okay to spend SOME of your time with that person talking about your troubles, but don't make that the number one topic, or even the number two topic. Talking too much about your troubles reinforces the pity-friendship dynamic that you want to move beyond.

2) Instead, most of your time with that person should be spent talking about whatever interests you may have in common, and/or doing some mutually enjoyable activity together, such as walking or running together (if you're both into that) or playing a game you're both into. If there are any topics of common interest that you happen to be more knowledgeable about than the other person, make sure you spend at least some time talking about those topics and responding to the other person's questions about them.

3) Be on the lookout for occasional favors you can do for the other person, so that the other person will be less likely to feel that the friendship is one-sided. (However, don't try to love-bomb the person with an overwhelming number of attempted favors.)

4) DON'T play manipulative games, such as playing hard to get. That's just annoying. Instead, take advantage of the fact that you have the other person's attention to try to establish a real and more mutual friendship with that person.

5) DON'T have temper tantrums, and DON'T be a general crybaby.

Back in my early-to-mid twenties, there was a woman who befriended me because she felt sorry for me for being mistreated by one of the leaders of a group we were both newcomers to. But, when I hung out with her, I didn't continue to talk about nothing but how I had been mistreated. Instead, most of our time together was spent talking about topics both of us were very interested in learning more about. As a result, she became one of the best friends I've ever had. (Alas, she is no longer living.)