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PurplePorcupine
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12 Jun 2022, 1:16 pm

Hi, I'm new and desperately need some advice and support ...
I met someone online who is mildly famous but accessible. I really admired their skills and liked their personality based on what I saw online. I met them in person about a month ago at an event. They were very friendly and nice, as I'm sure they are to everyone. But by then I had already convinced myself that we would be friends, so any form of niceness on their part was misinterpreted as confirmation.

As my brain does, it kicked into high gear special interest mode where I thought about and researched them exhaustively. I knew everything that was publicly available to know and was chatting with them online several times a day. They were always cordial in replying and would say things like "miss you" which only fueled the fire, but there were no real in depth private conversations.

At some point, the red flags must have gone up that I'm a crazy stalker or insane person because they backed away. They pulled back, read my messages but quit replying. On group chats they'd acknowledge others in the room but not me, or acknowledge what I said briefly but never by name or directed at me.

It broke my heart in ways I rarely feel. I've gone back and forth between loss of someone I had already imagined to be a close longterm friend, and feeling completely rejected and not good enough because I'm clearly a wack job in their eyes, and that they didn't think I was worthy of the effort involved. (But how could they, it was almost entirely a one way relationship so far).

Rather than let it go and recognize i'd gone too far and blown it, I convinced myself the right thing to do was to reach out one more time ... explain that my brain works differently, that I had just gotten too enthusiastic about how much I enjoyed their talent, and that I'm sorry that I blew it, but wish them only success and happiness. I think I had three motives in doing so: 1. Digest and understand the situation for myself, 2. Help a public-ish figure to understand what just happened and perhaps learn something about ND for future fan interactions, and (if I'm being really honest) 3. a small part of me thought that maybe if I could explain what had been going on in my head it would seem all ok and less crazy and we'd get another chance at being friends.

It was super long but heartfelt and I cried as I composed it (again rare for me to cry over a human!! !). I debated sending it, but did. I felt better after, like I could get some closure now.

But my brain doesn't stop quite so easily. I kept checking to see if the message had been read yet. I dont expect a reply, but I would like to know that my message got there and on some level they heard at least part of it. It sat there, continuing to be unread. I'm sure I'm on full blown ignore mode by this point, so I started to realize if it hadn't been read yet it probably it never would be.

Again, rather than make peace with that, I did the next stupid thing and messaged them via another way with a brief note asking them to please open the message I sent. Even if they don't read it, I can't seem to close this chapter until I know the message was delivered. ........ since then, still no response and still not read. Also, wtf I've most certainly cemented my standing as a complete crazy person and I can't blame them at all.

I tried to unsend it, but it wouldn't let me. I know I need to just walk away and stop making it worse. I just wish this heavy feeling would go away. I feel like I've been on a Rollercoaster at full speed and now it is just supposed to come to a screeching halt. Because my mind spins so fast when I get into special interest mode, it feels like we have known each other forever, and so this feels like a significant and real loss of a long time friend.

I can't get past it. Everything I try to do to distract myself ends up getting tied back into them in my head.

Do I just need to give it more time? How can I make this stop? How do I change the subject when my brain believes it is literally the only thing to be known. How do I not take it personally that I was extra crispy crazy and I personally blew it and ruined everything?

And lastly, next time this happens how do I keep myself from going overboard and ruining it?

Thanks for listening.



Jakki
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12 Jun 2022, 1:53 pm

Therapy ….. ?


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DanielW
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12 Jun 2022, 2:03 pm

I've been there, done that too. You may get lucky, and this person will read your message. That does happen sometimes. I think too that we tend to remember these kinds of trauma so that we will be less likely to repeat them.

This person may not respond. They aren't obligated to provide you with closure. You can do that for yourself, by apologizing (which you have done) and by trying to do better in the future about infodumping on people without their consent.

One thing I do when I feel that excitement happening is to simply tell the person in advance that I tend to be a bit of a "firehose" when I get really enthusiastic about something, and ask them to please feel free to butt in and stop me if I am getting too intense.



klanka
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12 Jun 2022, 2:37 pm

What you're talking about is basically a one sided love affair. Or infatuation. To be honest everything you did was normal when seen through that lens.

Quote:
I can't get past it. Everything I try to do to distract myself ends up getting tied back into them in my head.

Yes, I've been through that . Unfortunately it took about a year in my case.


I don't think you 'blew it' it was just a case of it not being a match.

Quote:
would say things like "miss you" which only fueled the fire, but there were no real in depth private conversations.

This would indicate that the person liked having you admire them but wasn't interested in taking it further no matter if you had played it cool etc.



H_Taterz
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12 Jun 2022, 2:51 pm

First, I understand your frustration. I don't think there's a person on this planet who hasn't lost someone they've felt close to, whether it's mutual or not... but it sounds like this is a parasocial relationship:

https://gamequitters.com/parasocial-relationships/

As someone who has been stalked before, yes, this level of obsession would throw up tons of red flags for me.
Researching someone is not good. It crosses boundaries. I felt violated when people did this.
When genuine friendships develop, they're organic. You talk and learn about each other over time. Both people contribute.

Mildly famous or famous people do what they do because they're literally selling themselves. That's their job. It's how they get sponsors or acting gigs and make money.

What's going on in your life? Do you have friends you hang out with?



PurplePorcupine wrote:
next time this happens how do I keep myself from going overboard and ruining it?

Thanks for listening.