Having a meltdown over friend changing RSVP

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Hi:
I decided to have a New Year's Party and a friend of mine originally said yes but then changed her mind when she was invited to another party. I am having a hard time because she has spent the last few New Year's Parties with me and then slept over afterward. She decided to go to another party over mine because she got invited to another party that some other friends of hers are having.

However:

I also decided to throw a small holiday get-together next week as well so maybe she's changed her mind because she lives a long way away and doesn't drive. She also really likes one of her friends and he likes her back and so they have been talking. I understand that being that I have been dating the same guy off and one for a year.

So, that was rude.

It’s not ok to tell someone you will come to their party and then tell them you aren’t coming because you got invited to another party! The only thing that would make that ok would’ve if you were close enough that she said “hey, I know I said I would do n.y. Eve with you and it’s kind of a tradition, but I got invited to this other party with xyz. How would you feel if I did that and came to your holiday party instead?” And you said it was fine. If instead you said something like “I know you really like xyz, but I was kind of counting on you.” She should come to your party.

Yeah, it was rude but she did apologize and explain herself after I set boundaries with her. Luckily, she did apologize to me and explain herself.

She recently met some new friends, who she met at a festival. She also started seeing someone and found out that he got invited as well. Being that I have a boyfriend who I am happy with, I understand.

Now she acknowledged that she hurt my feelings won’t do that again. She also said yes to me for less than 24 hours.

How rude I would consider this to be depends on a lot of factors, including what kind of event it is, how close the friendship is, and whether the person promised to play any specific significant role in the event, rather than just being one of the crowd.

Also, there's the problem that friendship, in general, is a completely informal thing in (at least most of) contemporary Western culture. Thus there is often a lack of clearly defined mutual obligations between even the closest of friends. This can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and feelings of abandonment.

Maybe the modern Western world needs a revival of more formal, structured kinds of friendship, e.g. fraternal organizations?

Hi Mona:

She and I are pretty close and we have created a tradition where she comes to my parties. Then afterwards, she crashes and then we spend the first part of New Year’s Day together.

I was just upset that she said yes to mine again this year and then turned around to accept another invite. As I said, she not only made some new friends recently along with her boyfriend being invited.