What are appealing traits of autistic people?

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KitLily
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10 Oct 2023, 10:45 am

I was wondering, when it comes down to making friends, what traits of autistic people are appealing? I was wondering if I/we could somehow lean into those traits to make it easier to make friends.

I'm just wondering why I had so many friends when I was a teenager/ in my twenties. What was it they liked about me back then? And what has changed about me now?

My best guess would be that 'Being Reliable' is an appealing trait. But even then I've been mocked for being too predictable.

I have a friend who thinks he is autistic and I agree with him (he hasn't been tested), and he is becoming popular because he asks direct questions which get straight to the heart of the matter and don't allow any woffling. He is straight to the point, what you see is what you get with him.

But I'm like that, and I just get stared at, annoy people or get told not to be so blunt.

So I'm wondering. Are there any autistic traits which are appealing? Or none? Or does it depend on the environment, job and people you're with?

(although I had another idea then- what if it was my STATUS change that made people stop liking me? From 'weirdo loser with no hope' to 'married woman with a child.' Maybe that was enough to make people stop liking me. We know how obsessed NTs are with status, don't we.)


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aerithstrelitzia
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10 Oct 2023, 6:33 pm

a lot of us are very accepting of people and their differences, and therefore less likely to be bullies!


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KimD
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10 Oct 2023, 7:10 pm

Off the top of my head, I'd say creative, passionate, and intriguing, but also/alternatively straightforward, honest, reasonable, and unshakeable! It really depends on the individual and the circumstances, I think, just like anyone else in the world.

KitLily, getting married and having kids might change your social "status" (I'd say it's a lateral move) because people might have more or less in common with you, but somewhere like work it might not/should not matter--unless you're rattling on about them all the time!

I'd bet cash that your male friend has success being so outspoken at least in part because...he's male. The possibility that you, as a female, are rejected for similar behavior is more of a [i]probability[/i].

To anyone within hearing distance, I'm not looking for a debate on that last bit, partly because I don't want to be responsible for taking Kit's thread off topic, and partly because I'm weary of it. I respectfully suggest if anyone wants to debate sex/gender they start another thread.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled discussion, already in progress...



blitzkrieg
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10 Oct 2023, 7:28 pm

KitLily wrote:
I was wondering, when it comes down to making friends, what traits of autistic people are appealing? I was wondering if I/we could somehow lean into those traits to make it easier to make friends.

I'm just wondering why I had so many friends when I was a teenager/ in my twenties. What was it they liked about me back then? And what has changed about me now?

My best guess would be that 'Being Reliable' is an appealing trait. But even then I've been mocked for being too predictable.

I have a friend who thinks he is autistic and I agree with him (he hasn't been tested), and he is becoming popular because he asks direct questions which get straight to the heart of the matter and don't allow any woffling. He is straight to the point, what you see is what you get with him.

But I'm like that, and I just get stared at, annoy people or get told not to be so blunt.

So I'm wondering. Are there any autistic traits which are appealing? Or none? Or does it depend on the environment, job and people you're with?

(although I had another idea then- what if it was my STATUS change that made people stop liking me? From 'weirdo loser with no hope' to 'married woman with a child.' Maybe that was enough to make people stop liking me. We know how obsessed NTs are with status, don't we.)


I would have thought an NT in general would value a married woman with a child over a "weirdo loser with no hope".

Why would NT's who are notorious for being conformist, go from liking a non-conformist to disliking a conformist?

It could just be a matter of getting older. It is known that making friends gets harder as people get older. Other people in your age group have more responsibilities when they are in their thirties/forties/fifties, versus a person in their twenties, who is likely to be still discovering themselves and thus be open to friendships, more often.



KitLily
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11 Oct 2023, 3:03 am

aerithstrelitzia wrote:
a lot of us are very accepting of people and their differences, and therefore less likely to be bullies!


I suppose so but being accepting has just got me into trouble so far :(


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KitLily
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11 Oct 2023, 3:07 am

KimD wrote:
Off the top of my head, I'd say creative, passionate, and intriguing, but also/alternatively straightforward, honest, reasonable, and unshakeable! It really depends on the individual and the circumstances, I think, just like anyone else in the world.

KitLily, getting married and having kids might change your social "status" (I'd say it's a lateral move) because people might have more or less in common with you, but somewhere like work it might not/should not matter--unless you're rattling on about them all the time!

I'd bet cash that your male friend has success being so outspoken at least in part because...he's male. The possibility that you, as a female, are rejected for similar behavior is more of a [i]probability[/i].


That's a nice list of traits, thanks!

I barely mention my husband and daughter, so hopefully it's not that.

Yes...I've noticed men are more accepted for being blunt, straightforward, direct. Whereas women are supposed to be soft, subtle, tactful, sensitive. :?

I have in fact recently decided to stop being tactful. However tactful I am, people still accuse me of being blunt and rude. Okay. You want rude? I'll give you rude. I will remove my filters!


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KitLily
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11 Oct 2023, 3:14 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
I would have thought an NT in general would value a married woman with a child over a "weirdo loser with no hope".

Why would NT's who are notorious for being conformist, go from liking a non-conformist to disliking a conformist?


That sounds very logical doesn't it?

However...I think it could be status. You know how NTs love status and hierarchy! A weirdo loser with no hope is low in status, making everyone else feel superior, and good about themselves. When the weirdo loser suddenly moves hugely upwards in status, everyone suddenly feels lower and worse about themselves.

This is very, very noticeable in women. Just because I'm happily married, I've experienced lots of jealousy from other women my age who are divorced, it is sad that we can't all support each other.

And also because I'm a stay at home mum, or was. Women have outright told me they envy that situation, even though we have been financially struggling for decades. We aren't rich.

Apparently stay at home mum is the role that all mothers aspire to now days. They conveniently forget that a major reason women originally wanted to go out to work was because staying at home with kids was not fulfilling, mentally stimulating, respected, paid, enjoying privacy etc.


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TheRealSocialOutcast
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12 Oct 2023, 7:13 pm

we are different so, we are less judgmental overall.



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12 Oct 2023, 7:21 pm

No need to shade the truth to increase or maintain social status.

"Does that dress make me look fat?" is not a question anyone should ask me unless they are fully prepared to accept an honest answer.

Yes, this is an Appealing trait, as truthfulness can inspire others to enact changes for the better.


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blitzkrieg
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12 Oct 2023, 7:39 pm

Autistic people are often very direct which is good for people to want to know where they stand.



Benjamin the Donkey
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13 Oct 2023, 1:21 am

Not speaking for all autistic people, but I've been told these qualities of mine are appreciated by some, though not appreciated by others:

1.I'm direct and say what I mean and mean what I say.

2. I'm dependable, though not always punctual.

3. I'm not impressed by social status or celebrity.

4. I'm good at problem-solving.

5. I generally accept people for who they are, without prejudice.


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KitLily
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13 Oct 2023, 4:26 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Not speaking for all autistic people, but I've been told these qualities of mine are appreciated by some, though not appreciated by others:

1.I'm direct and say what I mean and mean what I say.

2. I'm dependable, though not always punctual.

3. I'm not impressed by social status or celebrity.

4. I'm good at problem-solving.

5. I generally accept people for who they are, without prejudice.


Thanks guys, I'm just using Benjamin's list to sum up all the previous answers including his, blitzkreig, Fnord, TheRealSocialOutcast.

It's a great list. I wish it applied to me. I've usually found that those traits annoy people when I show them.

1. I'm direct and say what I mean and mean what I say. (People take offence when I'm direct, they prefer compliments and going round the houses to get to the point)

2. I'm dependable, though not always punctual. (They make fun of me for being boring)

3. I'm not impressed by social status or celebrity. (They take offence because I don't kowtow to people higher up the hierarchy than me. I treat everyone equally and that is wrong, apparently)

4. I'm good at problem-solving. (They usually ignore my solutions or tell me to shut up)

5. I generally accept people for who they are, without prejudice. (this is the only good one about me, apparently. But some people are shocked because THEY don't like a person, so they don't think I should)

It is so confusing, being me. I do all those things in the list, but it's not what people like. I hope when we move away I meet some more appreciative people.


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blitzkrieg
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13 Oct 2023, 6:31 am

^ Yeah, sometimes you have to experiment a bit with different people to find people who will appreciate you.



KitLily
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13 Oct 2023, 8:06 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
^ Yeah, sometimes you have to experiment a bit with different people to find people who will appreciate you.


I think also, these days people are always looking to take offence at everything. Every comment is analysed for possible offence, especially women, and I am too blunt and tactless to do well in this sort of environment.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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13 Oct 2023, 7:06 pm

KitLily wrote:
Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Not speaking for all autistic people, but I've been told these qualities of mine are appreciated by some, though not appreciated by others:

1.I'm direct and say what I mean and mean what I say.

2. I'm dependable, though not always punctual.

3. I'm not impressed by social status or celebrity.

4. I'm good at problem-solving.

5. I generally accept people for who they are, without prejudice.


Thanks guys, I'm just using Benjamin's list to sum up all the previous answers including his, blitzkreig, Fnord, TheRealSocialOutcast.

It's a great list. I wish it applied to me. I've usually found that those traits annoy people when I show them.

1. I'm direct and say what I mean and mean what I say. (People take offence when I'm direct, they prefer compliments and going round the houses to get to the point)

2. I'm dependable, though not always punctual. (They make fun of me for being boring)

3. I'm not impressed by social status or celebrity. (They take offence because I don't kowtow to people higher up the hierarchy than me. I treat everyone equally and that is wrong, apparently)

4. I'm good at problem-solving. (They usually ignore my solutions or tell me to shut up)

5. I generally accept people for who they are, without prejudice. (this is the only good one about me, apparently. But some people are shocked because THEY don't like a person, so they don't think I should)

It is so confusing, being me. I do all those things in the list, but it's not what people like. I hope when we move away I meet some more appreciative people.


It's true, a lot of people don't appreciate my wonderful qualities. I'm glad a few people do, especially my partner.


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BillyTree
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14 Oct 2023, 7:07 am

Many autistic people have the "No BS. No lies. Just getting the job done"-attitude. I find that very appealing.


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