What am I missing out on if I haven't done certain things?

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chris1989
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15 Feb 2024, 10:59 am

I a number of times I have expressed my worries about feeling I've ''missed out'' on things that are ''expected'' from people in their 20s and 30s to be doing and those things involve parties, drinking, sex, marriage, children and so on. I only feel like I'm missing out because I feel like I'm seeing everyone ''following'' the same route of life. Having been on social media I've seen photos of ''friends'' from college and school days doing the drinking and partying in their 20s and now in their early 30s, I see photos of some that have married and got kids and so on.

Some people have said to me that I am not missing out on anything and a friend said ''Sex is overrated. Why do something you don’t enjoy just to fit in with what society dictates. Don’t be a follower be a rebel, more importantly BE YOU! You are fine how you are and how you live your life. The only opinion that matters is yours.''

She also said ''I have zero friends. As for drinking. You don’t need to go to a pub with friends you can get a coffee have lunch. Or a simple walk. Why would you want to go to a loud place where you can hear yourself, waste money and feel s**t when you can minimise all of that for something you both like and can actually get a memory from it after.''



autisticelders
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16 Feb 2024, 9:00 am

they are probably missing out on a lot of things too, and all people can not and should not experience "everything". It is OK to decide for yourself. Don't let anybody push you into things you might regret later.
you are maybe missing a lot of physical and emotional bad consequences for not blindly following their "shoulds" and "ought to "statement.

Those words always mean that it is somebody else's agenda or idea they are trying to push onto you. Those words "should" "ought to" always make me alert to the manipulative or pushy shaming/ blaming/ etc that comes after.

we can't possibly have every experience there is available in the world. Wise folks choose those things that seem best to us. I listened to "should" and "ought to" statements in my early life and regretted it, brought myself shame, blame, self punishment, and so much emotional pain for years. I learned "what not to do" in many experiences. I wish I had known about my autism so much earlier in my life.
Do what is right for you with no regrets, no shame, no blame, and don't listen to others who tell you what you "ought" to do or "should" do.


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CockneyRebel
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17 Feb 2024, 12:52 am

There are lots of things that I've never done and I refuse to grow up, so I don't feel that I've missed out on anything.


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insanetwocubes
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29 Feb 2024, 6:38 am

If you never wanted to do any of those things, you're not really missing out on anything because you're already making the most comfortable choices for you. If you're not sure, you can always find out by giving it a try (drinking and parties and whatnot). For a lot of NT's socialization is a big part of their lives and the things you mentioned fulfill that social need. Socialization has more varying importance to autistic people so if it's genuinely not important to you, then you're not missing out on anything because it's not a need that is lacking for you. If you do feel like it's a need you are not fulfilling then maybe doing those things is worth a try. But that's the main function of drinking, parties, sex, marriage, etc, it's a social need fulfillment environment.



DuckHairback
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29 Feb 2024, 7:30 am

Whatever you do you're missing out on a near infinite number of other things.

All you can do is pick something and do it and try not to dwell on whatever you're hypothetically missing out on.

I used to force myself to try to do things that my peers were doing but it was rarely if ever enjoyable, so there was no point.

I sometimes wish I'd done stuff i didn't do but it isn't really the fact of missing something that bothers me, it's knowing that people are getting enjoyment out of something that I cannot.

When I see people out enjoying themselves in groups of friends I envy their joy. But that's jealousy and I have to be careful about those feelings.

The reality is that I'm not missing anything because that enjoyment was never available to me.

Fortunately there are other joys that are, joys that some of those social butterflies might not be able to access.

So concentrate on what makes you happy. Surround yourself with things and experiences you enjoy and you'll stop feeling like you're missing out. Maybe.


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