Emotional support for me is a conscientious effort to affirm a bond in a relationship. It is not simply for the benefit of the reciprocate but also the giver and often wider groups. It isn't necessarily things like empathy, or interpersonal skill, or telling people what they want to hear. However the psychology is interesting especially when it is applied (or not) on a stranger or outsider. I don't think we realize just how selective these ‘social conventions’ are in application. This is probably why different minds and cultures are misunderstood by each other.
Emotional support in chimpanzees and bonobos is stuff like grooming, cuddling, play, body language, sounds, etc. These are not the intent but the medium and apply to many humans too, and are probably just important if not more important than the verbal communication. I actually think small talk is less to do with the topic of discussion. It is fairly tedious to me, but it is 'mutual stimming' to others. On the other hand I need to hear somebody talk for a bit before I can say something. I know this because my ex psychologist would sit in silence at the beginning for a long time but she gave up because she couldn't get me to start. I would try to start but could not get the words out no matter hard I tried. I can say greetings, or 'you start'. I can't start talking about myself or interest without hearing someone's voice for a short while; otherwise I can talk perfectly well. It is not really a problem because people greet each other, and I can greet them.
It took till my twenties to learn how to reciprocate friendship, but also my mediums were not their mediums. Saying a person's name, when you already talking to them, does not have an emotional value to me, it is redundant, but I understand it has an emotional value to many people. If I know I have reciprocated and got feedback that makes me feel good because I affirmed the relationship. Likewise the idea that I need to contact people I know every now and then, without necessarily a specific purpose, is important in affirming the relationship. However, not everyone needs the same kind of emotional support. That is where the conscientious part comes in. I'd would find it smothering if wasn't able to take a break from contact. Sometimes the giver is actually more of a taker. I always maintain that all of these concepts will have a self-serving element. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is all relative. In fact, it is that to-and-throw that makes a reciprocal relationship. You provide for each other's needs.
I often I mess up the type of emotional support, because I have to adjust to different types of thinking. Sometimes am in disbelief if their thinking is similar.
With my friend she has made lot of progress, as we all have. I said to her 'if you are not sure you are able or willing to go through with something you want, then try not to think about it until you know you definitely do, then don't delay. Whether it takes hours or years is not what matters'. Rather than 'Why don't you do it tomorrow? I'll be there.' That is not effective for me or her or many other people, I just takes longer in practice, with a few exceptions. I believe and trust she will do what she needs to do and she does do it. It is not helped by me putting too much pressure on her. It is not for me to say when she does what she needs, I don't have to be there at the time. In many cases that it is better that I'm not. I get emotional support from her from having someone to talk to and the times she’s hugged me. I don't know how it works exactly it just does. My other friend I have to spell it out to him more because that is what he responds to best. He tends to over commit and get exhausted. I had to stop him from doing something very stupid that he didn't want to do, but didn't know how to get out of because he has a different kind of logic to do with how to deal with people who are manipulative. It was hard figuring out exactly what to do. It wasn't quite emotional blackmail but very close to the mark. You can say that is not emotional support, immoral, etc. The fact is he didn't think he could walk out of it but he could and we were all mighty relived. I get emotional support from him by talking as well. Also we all get emotional support from simply by doing stuff together.
Unfortunately I don't always take/or give my own advice and others and nerves get then better of me and I end up saying things to people that I might think they want to hear or just petty diplomacy. It is hard knowing what sort of emotional support to give. I have to feel I can relate to the person before I can give genuine emotional support. I think I’m a bit better once I get to know them in person.
24 Nov 2007, 5:31 pm
