Aspergers and Parenting

Post Reply New Topic

I think this is in the right place because the only other place I found Aspergers and parenting it was for NT parents with AS kids. This is the other way around. And it is a social interaction. If this belongs someplace else, I am ok with it being moved, but here is why I see it as a social interaction issue.

While raising my kids, I was never able to interact with them well. They turned out well for the most part. I still have difficulty interacting with them. There is too much distance between me and them and it is a painful struggle for me to span that gap. I still work at it though.

My interaction with them was mostly based on rules, and I had difficulty understanding or communicating matters of feelings in either direction. My wife (NT) had and has a much warmer relationship with them. For her it is intuitive.

Ok, I think now you will see why I posted this where the words were "social" and "interaction". Granted it does not exactly fit with the words "friendship" and "general". But now that the kids are grown, it seems that the relationship should be more like "friendship" and have most of the scope implied by the word "general". Problem is that I am not very much better with them now than I was then and it pains me, so I will throw this out and see what insights I might gain or might offer.

there are a lot of aspie parents in the parents forum

I know there has to be, but given the limited time that Aspergers syndrome has been widely recognized and discussed, how many parents whose children have been raised and left home are there.

I would hope to find discussion among those who want to improve communication with their adult children who got less than the best possible upbringing due to having a parent limited by unrecognized aspergers syndrome

I am glad that you posted here. Most information is on parents having to deal with aspie kids.

I have AS. My father definately (undiagnosed) and my mother has clear Aspie traits too. Although we are a close family, ineraction between us have been exteremly difficult over the years. I have two older siblings.

Now that we are all adults, we feel like strangers who know each other very well. A child will always long for a deeper connection with a parent. In my experience it wasn't possible with my parent and as a child you learn later in life that you were looking all along for something that wasn't recognizable from the beginning. Interactions always seem to be clouded by misunderstandings and confusion. That is why we learned it is easier to keep a platonic distance.

I have been talking to my parents about all that we have been through and they want the situation to improve. It is just difficult to trust them because as an aspie myself it was never clear to me what there intentions were. Is my only purpose on earth to live by your rules, to see that I am a good reflexion on you or is it acceptable to be my own person?. Am I allowed to become myself without causing you hurt and agony, etc. I suppose the dynamics in my family was a bit extreme. My dad said that he never realised he has too be in tune with his child's emotions or take a deeper interest in them but that his only job was to see that I don't fall short of anything materially while growing up.

I know that all I ever wanted is to get to know the PERSON behind the rules and the role of mother/father. And to know that they are guinely interested in me as a person, in an open relationhip that goes beyond guardian/child.

Maybe you should talk openly to your children about any issues that they might have regarding your relationship and take it from there. It could be that you just never understood each other.

What you say has a strong resonance with me.

There is little doubt in my mind that my father (1902-1972) was an aspie, but of course that was not known in his lifetime. There is so much about him that applies to me and vice versa. He was the odd child out of 10 and his brothers and sisters were all successful and well connected socially, but not dad. There is no doubt in my mind that his IQ was high but that his school experiences were different due to the culture of the early 1900's. One of my brothers shows some aspie traits but my other two siblings are pretty NT. One of my sons shows aspie traits, but my other son and 2 daughters are pretty NT.

So that leaves me as an aspie sandwiched between AS in the generation before, concurrent, and after. I feel as though I have not only my on AS to deal with as a parent but that I am lacking in a role model for effective social interaction with my children. I am not saying that I am a complete failure as a parent in any sense, but rather I think that there is so much more that I could have done and yet could do if I could find the way. What should be intuitive I will have to find rules for, (typical aspie approach I think)

That is why I made the original post. I am looking for, and hope to generate for others, support and suggestions in finding the way.