I thought it was going well, but...

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I'm 22 years old and diagnosed with asperger a pretty long time ago.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but I found out I'm not. I'm totally not good at chitchatting, at a party for example I see my friends say things to each other all the time (that I can't hear because of the music), I never get as much attention and don't really know what kind of things to say either.

Just now there was something my brother wanted from me and I said no. He called me egoistic and I said he was trying to manipulate him by saying that. He then said he was kind of sad that I still thought he would manipulate me. He also gave examples of where he did something similar for me, though it was something that was easier for him. He also told me how he's never going to help me with anything anymore. I really don't know what to think of this, but it makes me sad and annoyed. The chance is high I'm not going to be able to sleep this night because of it.

I often don't know things happening around me while my friends do, if I ask them what they're talking about they sometimes laugh at me.

I'm really starting to have enough of this and want to have a normal life. What can I do????

First recognize that there is no such thing as a normal life. Everyone functios from their own place.

Secondly, recognize that a lot of the things that are happening always will. I'm 56 and still can't hear chit-chat in a noisy room. Hey, you know what? It's chit-chat!! ! I've learned some pretty good expressions for making it look like I did understand. If they laugh, I do too. Every now and then, they look at me funny, but not often.

Most importantly, your brother's over-reaction is not your fault and has nothing to do with your AS. He over-reacted. He was wrong. He'll get over it. You should do the same.

I learned young how to read lips. I still miss a lot that happens but I have learned to not feel bad when I say What? I can't understand you.

It sounds like your brother might be trying to use guilt to manipulate you. I have learned that time heals almost all wounds

Y

Funny how you too say he's trying to manipulate me, while he was so trying to say that he didn't.

I really can't say who of us is right or wrong here. I have no idea where my rights end and his begin. It's not always easy to see...

He said I was egoistic, and maybe I am! But if so, then what???

EDIT: and if people who I know are saying things to each other that I can't hear, in some situations that really frustrates me, a lot! What do I have to think about that, can that be fixed?

1 - I have been called egoistic for years and I know I'm not. I am just surviving! It takes some ego to keep facing each morning.

2 - I don't know that there is an answer to not hearing what people are saying. This used to really drive me crazy but now I have learned to just go on. Sometimes I still get frustrated but I finally learned that it probably was not something I really cared about hearing anyway.

Y

I know that I was having a hard time hearing people talk at a barbecue yesterday while two guys were jamming on their guitars. But I don't think I was the only one.

And I also struggle to find the right words and to draw attention to myself. Although, I actually think part of the problem is that I worry too much about people paying attention to me. It's not like I need to be the center of attention or anything, but I just can't stand being ignored.



May I ask what it was and why you said no?



I don't really get laughed at for it, but it still makes me feel awkward. Like I don't belong in the conversation or something.

I have also been seen as egoistic many times. Or "aloof" as people like to say. It can really hurt when you feel left out, and everyone just keeps reminding you that it's all your fault.

The only advice I can offer is to focus on what you are good at and try to just let them have their chit chat and social games to themselves.
The one thing you can do is to keep an open heart. Try to remember that they don't really mean to hurt you. And don't be hard on yourself for things that you can't control.

Like spacemonkey said, you don't have to play their social "games". They are "games", afterall, nothing genuine or important. In fact, play by your own rules as you'll at least know what the rules are. Your brother's just trying to manipulate you, trust me. I've had family members who've tried the same shaming techniques but I always knew they were just trying to get out of me what they wanted me to do and control me. Don't fall for it or he'll just keep blackmailing you.

that with my brother, was about the following:

there's a quite thin wall between both our rooms, and the coming weeks my brother has to get up quite early, so he has to go to sleep quite early too. He sais he can't fall asleep when he hears me type on my computer (I already put the music soft for him). So he wants me to go to sleep as early as him so that he isn't annoyed by my noises. I don't want to do that and said he should find other ways to fall asleep while I'm busy on my computer, and that's why he called me egoistic. He slept with earplugs.

But appearantly he was pretty mad, because this morning, when I was still asleep, he turned on his PC (while he normally never does in the morning) and put his music extra loud. And he claims that he's grown up

The thing that he claimed he had done that was similar was stopping to play guitar at 2am when I asked him.

I think there is a large difference between playing the guitar and typing on a computer. I can not understand how typing could disturb a person in another room. If he can wear earplugs and sleep then I would think that would be a solution.

I think egotistical is too strong a word for those actions. Technically it does seem self-centered (one defination of egotistical) but not to the point needed to fit the meaning of the word.

As you do have to live with your brother I would try to work with him as much as possible but I would not let him put guilt on you about things that are reasonable (such as this).

BTW: I have seen two NTs have these kinds of problems so I would not say this is just an AS thing. Living with other people can be hard on anyone and things like different sleeping patterns are a common rub with all types of people.

:: stops ranting ::

Y

I talked to him, and he said that the noise thing wasn't the problem anymore, but the fact that I don't trust him. He may be sort of right about this, and I said that I'll try trusting more what he sais and showing more respect for it, he's my family after all.

My parents had the same issue of typing on the computer and saying that they couldn't sleep because of it.. I found it really ironic because they were the ones that wanted it moved to the room that's next to theirs with a really thing wall between it. They used the same kind of arguement with me but it didn't work because I never go to bed before them and ask them to be quiet..