Loving a person

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I posted this as a reply on another topic, and then realized I'd do better to just make it into a topic:

I'm pretty sure I have AS, and lately I've become fearful of my future as far as intimacy and romance and love goes. For a while I've been afraid that I'll a) never have a real boyfriend, b) never get married c) DIE unmarried, and d) die a virgin. But I started thinking again about what I've heard about aspies having a hard time responding emotionally. Now my greatest fear is not that I'll never have a relationship, but that I won't be able to really FEEL love. Because the truth is, I don't really feel strong love. Ever. Not even with my family. My love for my friends is obviously different from romantic love, but I don't really feel that either. I've had only one boyfriend, and he felt pretty fake. In fact, I only went out with him because I'd officially become "desperate" -- you know, where you'll take whatever you can get. And I've become so used to being anti-social and all that, that I think my emotions have been numbed. I'm so afraid that when the time comes I won't be able to feel it. Is there a way to reverse this? Has anyone else felt like this?

yes. I have been married three times and have had a few long term relationships as well.
I have explored love and found I can slide right into obsessive compulsions and right past love completely.

My problem is I can feel my own love, I just can't feel love from other people.

your mileage may vary,

Merle

Yeah, I know the feeling. I don't know whether you've already done this, but I've found an easy way to compensate for this.

Go to the Life Expectations tab in your mental control panel. Click, and in the sub menu make sure "Expectations for Humans" is set at "cynical" -- or whatever is the safest, lowest setting. If you think (as I do) that they're all mendacious, backstabbing low lifes, it'll be easier to pick out the ones that aren't -- like the friends you have.

Digressing for a second, all boyfriends are going to seem fake if they haven't first been boys who happen to be friends. What's the rush? If he's attractive and interesting enough for you to consider dating him, see if you can just hang out "no strings attached". Call it deceptive or stupid, depending on how coherent I am, but I'm saying this as a boy with my own problems who's recently been desperate for that kind of connection, and have seen the light.

Miss it when it comes? Yeah, you probably will if you're expecting fireworks; of course I'm saying that because I've officially missed the moment twice before. But if you make sure to switch to cynical, but open to "giving them another go", just notice the small things. Humans dont have any logical reason to trust you, listen to you, or even put up with you, unless they had some kind of connection with you....

Damn, I lost my train of thought. I'll try to board at the next station, but until then I hope some of what I said made sense. Dont give up hope, don't believe what they say in fairy tales, and never ever ever shut doors to possibilities just because someone says the road will be difficult. ....Determination.....

I hope the aspie reading this post has some sympathy for aspie focus. I know I for one can't string two words together about something after my mind has jumped to another topic, and my dog just walked into my room carrying a....

I know exactly what you mean. I too worry about a), b) & c) - I have only ever had one "relationship", which was far from being true love. Although I obviously thought that he was "the one" at the time, it turned out that he had just been manipulating me.

Now I no longer believe that I will ever find my soul-mate, & nothing less will do for me.

The only person I truly love in this world is my cat. Why can't I feel the same for people? I wish I knew!

Lol. Thanks, all! I can't say this makes me feel a ton better, but at least I know that there are others pretty much in the same boat. What's interesting is that I can feel emotions strongly if I channel them through the main character in my story -- who is based on me. She has a deep affection for her best friend, who she has known since the age of four-and-a-half. I've never had a friend for that long, which sucks, because I know my best friend really well, but we don't really have that deep connection. I wanted to give my main character what I have been denied -- true friendship. Perhaps it's because of her early emotional connections with her best friend, but her emotions are much deeper and more pronounced than mine...
And as far as the whole "fairytale romance" goes, that's not what I'm expecting at all. I'm just afraid that even in a normal relationship I just won't really feel anything. Like I'll just be the same, empty, emotionless shell. I mean, I don't really feel any deep love for anything, unless I put myself in the shoes of my fictional alter-ego and think of her best friend, or her other friends. It kind of sucks if I have to revert to fictional alter-egos to feel emotion and cope with my life...

I feel I will never date again, never marry, etc. Casual dating is not for me, but my generation seems unable to manage anything else. Girls don't want to date me, so the casual-to-serious route is simply impossible anyway.
I was in a serious relationship for nearly six years. The breakup destroyed my faith is succesful relartionships for me.
I believe I am capable of falling in love again, but not as before, not as totally as that time. But I have given up hope that I will ever meet someone who will love me back as anything other than a friend. The last girl I asked out, I could feel myself starting to fall in love with her, and while asking her out cost me a friendship, her rejection did help kill the love I was starting to feel. I think she will be the last girl I will ever ask out in my life; there is simply no point.