Emotional Bonds

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What is this “Bonding” thing?

One of the biggest problems with Aspies is Bonding.
An anthropologist or a shrink can tell you why it is important to be accepted by the tribe.
The tougher question is HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Starting with the premise discussed in “Never ask a Local for Directions,”
(http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt72732.html)
what is a tribe or a group? How do you form these bonds?

My working theory is that strong bonds can not be formed over something positive, like tree hugging. You need to work hate into the mix somewhere and define the common enemy BEFORE you can define a friend.

Bonding is only possible through (1) battle, (2) birth right or (3) by decree.

(1) The easiest way to form a bond is to share something negative. You share a hatred for a common enemy, or need to work together to resolve a common problem. War buddies share extremely strong bonds. Another bonding opportunity is in standing shoulder-to-shoulder against a natural disaster.

In the absence of a real enemy or problem, you can substitute a football game or a soap opera, which allows you to hate the bad guys and cheer for the good guys together. Witch hunting is always effective. Just find a safe target, some petty crime and you are good to go.

(2) Membership by birth (or adoption from a very young age) is probably the strongest. They accept you because they have to, and not because you possess any particular qualities or assets. You start at the bottom of the pecking order and need to work your way up. Being at the bottom means that you are entitled to food and protection, and that you will be used as a scapegoat or jester in ways that are not life threatening. You are the hope of the future. They would like you to become an asset to the tribe (protector, provider, nurturer) but they will still keep you around if you don’t. You need to do something really awful to be kicked out.

(3) By “decree,” I mean connections recognized in your culture. Marriage, employment, or adoption of an adult because he fits in for a reason. Such bonds are not as strong and, if you don’t live up to expectations, you are history. You are in an odd spot because you are half-way between a member and an ally.

Culture: Members of the tribe have certain rules of interaction including responsibilities and entitlements (food & protection) and signs of respect and etiquette.

Members of an ally tribe have similar rules of etiquette, with some exceptions, and with the understanding that they will pay you back (entitlement vs reciprocity).

The mating game is not really that complicated. You may not marry from your own tribe, and you must marry the daughter of an ally. Strangers are off-limits.

Women and children, by the way, are not people. They are appendages or property. You must belong to some man, whether it is a father, brother, husband, adult son, whatever. You are entitled to certain things because of your connection, and out of respect for your menfolk. A woman or child who does not appear to belong to anyone is fair game. There are no rules.

Strangers or aliens do not fit in any category and therefore there are no rules.

So, if you were not born there, how do you get in?

To be a true ally, you need to have something that will be an asset to the tribe.
You are big and strong or smart or have money or leadership instincts or special knowledge or something valuable.

Failing that, you need a big brother, with the understanding that tolerating you is part of the main deal with Bubba. Your position as jester will probably also be part of that deal.

Failing that, you need to find an identy connection. Religion or common experience or something. Just keep in mind that, if you make this identity the basis of your friendship, you must defend it to the death.

I hate the rain. I hate school. I hate “Emo’s” (whatever that is).
I hate people who don’t speak our language. I hate the price of gas.
“Check out that stranger over there with the stupid looking shirt! Man, I hate that!”

Then again, if you turn back and realize that your potential ally is wearing an identical shirt, you’ve just made an enemy. Quick, damage control time! “But it looks good on you.” Fauning, belly up, subservient social grooming… “Your parasites are yummy today…”

“Social skills” are difficult to teach, partly because it requires instinct, and mostly because most people don’t even understand the question. They are half-consciously thinking about the stuff you’ll get in a self-defense class (primal) and half-consciously thinking about etiquette, which varies with culture, time and your personal connections. (a half of a half of a mind = a quarter, otherwise known as “brain dead.”)

In other words, they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.
Never ask a local for directions.

Last edited by Tahitiii on 28 Jul 2008, 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Many of these are valid observations. It got me thinking, maybe I'll try to tab down something more comprehensible a little later.

I bonded with my friends over common interests, not things we shared hating. Like, we both like comic books, or Law & Order, or we have a similar sense of humor. So I'm friends with many random people not by birthright, battle or decree.
I am sure many relationships are formed in the ways you describe. I'm just saying those aren't the only paths to bonding.
In terms of ownership...I'm trying to think of men I belong to, but I really don't belong to anyone. I'm getting married but the guy isn't controlling or anything. I'm always allowed to be me. I've never been treated as a commodity by him or another dude (say, my father). I've seen this in a few rare cases with other women. But a great number of people and subgroups, families, whatever, do not practice this with females and children.
Wonderful, complex theory. Unfortunately I think human social rules are too elaborate even for your system. You can't exactly quantify them in this way, that's why it's so difficult for us as Aspies to fit in. But your points were excellent.
A note as to bonding over hatred - my experience is that people often actually go out of their way to avoid people who complain or express hatred too much about others, at least when they first meet each other. Unless you're in a mob or some other mass, I'd be really careful about that.

Hi, i am new here....

...but I know what you are saying. Most of these are brilliant observations, but I am very wary of things that break things down into three or so main categories.

For starters, maybe let's define bonding. For instance, "birth" bonding, or parent bonding, is something that I am not sure social skills are required for, skills being the key term. And "decree" bonding would not really require social skills at all. So the pragmatic question of "how do you do it?" would probably best be served by a definition of bonding that is independent of family or "decree" ties.

If we are talking about true long-term bonding, I have bonded with people mostly over hated things, little annoyances turned humorous, bitchy arrogant wit, or things that have required serious creativity and problem-solving.

I tend only to get along (for long periods of time) with people who have twisted senses of humor. Peoples' beliefs and interests change, but I think humor actually reveals the soul.

Yeah. Bonding is a two-way street. Humor seems to be the only thing that really forms true, strong bonds for me (then again, I don't really get very analytical with most people anymore). Wish I could branch out. And it's weird, because my humor gene didn't even kick in until I was maybe 19 or so.

Without letting this become a b***h session (would we be "bonding" then?) I will concede that it is unforgivingly difficult to find real friends in this society. I have never so much blamed this on myself. I blame it, now, at thirtysomething years, on lack of opportunity. I am not an equal-opportunity-chatter-upper. And I am amazed, every day, at what passes for friendship among people.

I had another thought to day. This one used to drive me crazy, but I haven’t thought of it in a long time. I’ve seen these things, and others like them, in more than one company.

The boss is coming:

So, we’re all at our desks, truly working and involved. No one is fooling around, hanging out by the water cooler, whatever. Then someone walks by and says, “the boss is coming.” Everyone jumps, hits save & exit, puts away whatever they’re doing, puts on a guilty look and turns to a completely different task.

Why should I stop what I’m doing? This is why I’m here. This is why they pay me. The task on which I am working has real-world value for the company and intrinsic value for me. And why does the boss get mad at me for not playing?

Excuse me:

A handful of them are clustered around the door to the supply closet, yacking it up with the boss. My desk is across the room and I can hear every word. They’re not talking about work or anything important. Maybe football or something that doesn’t interest me. I continue working. I need something from the closet and can’t get past them. They ignore my obvious approach (any decent person would just get the hell out of the way). I say “excuse me.” They look right through me and continue yacking. I say it again, and they grudgingly move over, but it takes about a year. And I am considered “rude.”

I guess I’ve always sort-of known that it was a brown-nosing game. But it’s just so stupid, I couldn’t force myself play.

Maybe I should say (Luna Lovegood style) “Oh, the brown-nosing game. Should I play, too? Are you the alpha-person? If I play, will you give me a raise?"

Ack, no.

It's all about doing what the boss values at the time, and never surpassing her/him. When they want to be chatty, you've got to be chatty but s/he has to be the funniest, talk the most.

Now if I can find a context in which that's do-able for me ... in one job I got a warning b/c I didn't go to monthly happy hours.

Oh -- and the skinny little woman with the squeeky voice who gets promoted to supervisor and ends up being the most abusive of all...

At the primal level, we respond to big muscles and a deep voice.
But we're modern and civilized, right? That shouldn't matter.

She probably has her own unresolved issues about the carrot-on-a-stick.
The rules said that if you play the game, you will be promoted.
The boss has promoted her. But the little people still refuse to play.
She doesn't just want your conscious respect and obedience.
She wants it all, including the butt kissing.
And she is extremely pissed off when she doesn't get it.
She is braking the primal rule herself, and is confused about the mixed outcome.

Respect and obedience and doing your share have practical value.

If we are so modern and civilized that we can promote the unlikely candidate, the butt kissing shouldn't matter either, right? Which way do you want it?

It's not a simple cultural issue. It's a confused mix of primal, old culture and new culture. If we're throwing away the most basic rule about big muscles, are throwing all the rules away? Including the ones about brown-nosing? How about the ones about obedience, and doing your share of the work?

On the other hand, I stink whenever I'm in charge.
Even when joining the group is voluntary and we all agree that it is a worthy cause.
I don't demand the bull and don't punish people for not playing.
And it all falls apart and people drift away, confused.