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pinkbowtiepumps
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07 Sep 2008, 8:29 pm

This may end up being endlessly long, but I'm just wondering if anyone else is presented with the issue of being able to socialize almost normally, but then accidentally making a comment here or there that may seem a little "off" - uncomfortable, to say the least. I'm usually decent about it, but sometimes I feel pressured to hold a conversation and may say something I shouldn't have. Like, you're talking with a few people, and you're trying to hold your own in a conversation, but then you end up saying things that you shouldn't be saying, that are making other people uncomfortable.
I experienced something like that tonight, I was just talking to a few of my roommates, and it was going fine. I did say some weird stuff, but it wasn't anything too bad. Then the subject of one of their boyfriends came up, and I made the mistake of dragging that out, just for a split second (the relationship ended badly for her, and she had implied that she wanted to forget about the whole thing), and I recognized immediately afterwards that I shouldn't have made that comment about him. I do think it stuck with her, because when I went to apologize about it about a half hour later she knew exactly what I was talking about, and I didn't have to say much more than, "well, about earlier..." Things turned out fine, and I don't think that little slip will affect her too badly - on the contrary, she was a sweetheart about the whole thing (I do think she suspects my condition, but I think I prefer it this way).
I'm glad I apologized for that one, but for all the little slips I may make, I worry I won't be able to fix every little one. It's especially frustrating because very few people here know I have AS, and will just think I'm "weird", and that from their point of view, my weirdness could just build up in a way that will discredit me socially. I've seen it happen before, and the possibility of this happening stresses me out a lot. I do like making friends and being social, and as awkward as I am, friends mean the world to me, so I don't want anything bad to happen to the relationships I have or the potential friendships I could form.
Does anyone else experience something like this? You know how to have a proper conversation, but you happen to be a sufferer of word vomit, and say awkward things. For those of you who are used to dealing with it, how did you learn to filter what you say?



GoddessofSnowandIce
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08 Sep 2008, 12:33 pm

Happens to me all the time. What probably happens (at least this is how it is for me) is you start off a conversation acutely aware of the regular social faux-pas and have a good "NT wall" around you. As the socialization goes on well, you forget, bit by bit, about that wall and start to ease into your true self. You catch yourself and the wall goes up again, but very quickly breaks down after getting back to fluid conversation. You're completely unaware of that moment when the wall has completely been breached and out pops the first thing that comes to mind without examining the nuances involved. Embarrassment ensues. Open mouth. Insert foot.

If your friends are truly friends, and they know about your AS, then they should know that anything you say isn't meant with bad intentions.


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LolaGranola
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09 Sep 2008, 8:23 pm

Stupid things always come out accidently. I hate it, especially when I want to be serious about something or just relaxed. Whether it be random or silly, even if it doesn't suite my mood, it happens. Very embarassing.


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slwilbur
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10 Sep 2008, 12:33 pm

It's good that you recognized what was wrong that you said. It can help you adjust your filter so you don't do it again. I have that problem but often wonder why it was wrong to say something (therefore learn so I can fix my filter). Glad to find this topic so I could ask ...

Last night, in a group of people (about 8), some of which I know fairly well, about half I just met but know the group to be friendly. Right after introductions, we'd assumed it was done, and Marge piped up and asked, "who's that?" and pointed at Mark. Someone said "It's Mark! Lynn's husband" She said "oh, he's so young.. I just didn't make the connection" and I said "what, young as compared to Lynn?!" Everyone gasped (except mark...). I didn't think that was so wrong. They're both in their mid 20's and everyone else there (with the exception of one) is 35+. It's not a big thing, and I know Mark and Lynn pretty well and have made (too much, I think of) an issue of how young they are (to Lynn). It's just interesting to me, and I don't mean to be offensive, but I'm entertained somehow by pointing that out. I've been entertained in the past by pointing out to older co-workers, for instance, where I was when the shuttle blew up (in 8th grade) and they would then say that they were in that desk, over there. So, I thought it'd be amusing to Lynn to just compare experiences in the past, but I think she didn't find it as amusing. I was also drinking and trying to make conversation (which, admittedly, I'm not so good at, but even worse at halting). This group, however, wasn't privy to my earlier comments to Lynn, and Lynn wasn't there. How was that so wrong? I don't think it did any permanent damage (I hope not. Mark and Lynn are good friends in this new community and we don't want to screw that up at all) and it was fairly quickly forgotten. I even thought about it first and tried to make sure to temper the sarcasm (which it was of course), but wtf? I was very surprised by the group's reaction. Dh was there, but he didn't have much to say, as I asked him what I did wrong.

Especially in groups I try to think before saying things, but often come off shy b/c I never have anything to say.

To Pinkbowtiepumps, I've struggled with the word vomit filter for all of my life. I've had it off, I've had it completely on (and been very quiet). I find that it's hardest to shut up once something has been said, esp if it's not very clear that it was a problem. What I do is have dh poke me if I'm being stupid (and don't yet realize it) or try to be quiet and safe enough until I get to know people, and find that they might look past my quirkiness and things I may blurt.

I've recently (well, a year ago) moved and this new community I'm in is full of wonderful people and they're very inclusive, and even seem to like this oddball. I am learning to ask people questions about themselves, and to try to remember the answers, and I think that's helped. But I should probably note to some of them (like Lynn) that if they want me to shut up, it's as simple as asking me to, and that my brain doesn't contain the required filter. But I'm working on it. I've apologized for a few things already in getting to know this group, but haven't said in so many words that I don't ever intend to offend. I've mentioned to only one of them of my aspieness, and that was a special circumstance, as the subject had come up otherwise.

Wow. I blither. Good luck with your filter.