Outgrowing friendships

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Has anyone here had trouble with deciding whether to end a friendship that is increasingly becoming unsatisfactory to them, but not to the other person? I have found myself in that situation several times, where I don't want to hurt the other person, but the original basis for the friendship is no longer there because either they or I have changed.

For example, there is a long-time friend who I have been avoiding because for the last few years it seems like every time she calls me, it's someone has died, someone is sick, someone is in the hospital, etc. Her health has gone from bad to worse, her children are having problems. Last night she called me, her husband is in the hospital (again), her daughter's marriage is breaking up, another Depression is right around the corner, and so on and so forth. When I finally got done listening to this litany of woe, I felt like going out to the highway and laying down in front of a truck! I mean, what is the point of living?

She never used to be like this, and I know part of her problem is that she is poor, in ill-health, and isolated with no transportation (her husband no longer drives and when he did he wasn't any more of a help than he is now). A few times I have tried to take her out, but going out is such an ordeal. She can't walk very far unaided and does not have a handicapped sticker so when we do go out I have to drop her off at the store entrance, go park the car, then when we are done, leave her and go get the car. One time I thought she was going to collapse waiting for me to get back! I have suggested various small things she can do that will make it easier on both of us (get a sticker, use a cane), but she does not seem to want to do that.

I hate to abandon her but I am fighting depression myself, and every time I listen to her I just want to put my head in the oven. It seems like nothing happy ever happens to her anymore or to anyone around her. And I feel bad because here I have a good job and I can get around and do things she can't, but I just can't be around her or I will get sucked in too.

She needs support from a specialized source. If she got it, then you could be simply a friend instead of someone who's burdened with some of that specialist's tasks. The way things are, yours is not a friendship.

What I don't understand is why you feel depressed after talking to her. That's the reason why most people abandon friends/family who are going through very bad times. And I don't understand the reason. My friends' problems don't depress me; my problems do.

Sometimes, but usually not.

I feel depressed because I can't help her, and she is apparently unwilling or unable to help herself. Also, being faced with someone who has apparently insurmountable problems makes me afraid that I am going to wind up like that some day, and if so what is the use of even trying, if that is all there is to life. When you hear over and over that the doctors haven't helped, social services haven't helped, other charitable organizations haven't helped, and when you yourself have hit closed doors repeatedly in your own life, it is rather scary because it is like looking into your own future.

I think she does need specialized support, the problems she is facing are very real, but they are way beyond my scope to solve. And the sad thing is I don't think she is going to get the support because there are so many people out there with needs like hers that unless you know how to manipulate the system very very well (and as an Aspy, I don't!) you are just going to fall through the cracks.

I know people abandon other people when they have problems, but until you get sucked into a few of these situations, where the person involved lacks the will or the ability to help him or herself and the problems are just never-ending, there is no resolution, no closure, nothing you can point to and say, we were able to overcome that one, no sense of accomplishment, then it is hard to understand why people run. They run because they can't take it. They run because they are sensitive and do care, but can't stand to see it anymore and they don't know any other way of getting out of the situation.

I had a similar situation a while back. An old friend of mine is a brittle diabetic. She was experiencing some serious complications and was scared, so I went with her to her appts. The doctors and specialist said that a lot of the damage could be reversed if she followed a specific regimene, saw certain dr's, etc. I explained a lot of things to her (science and medicine is one of my fascinations) helped her get what she needed, but then stopped doing it all. Now she is in kidney failure, heart failure, and blind. At 29. I couldnt stand by her and watch her literally kill herself. It was too much for me. I still talk to her from time to time, but I had to separate myself from her. Make her more of an acquantaince rather than a close friend. It's sad, I didn't want to do it, but I had to for my own well-being.

On the other hand I deal with a very painful genetic condition, but I am taking the steps I need to adapt and try not to burden my friends and family. It really takes the person to want the help.

Thank you for explaining, ClosetAspy. I understand now why people don't want to listen to problems. It's understandable. But it's a pity, because we're all alone that way, just when we need each other most.

I´ve been in this sort of situation too; in fact, sometimes in the past I wondered why I seemed to draw those depressive kinds of people to me! It can be a real drag, and these people can become like "leeches". I don´t usually get depressed by other people´s problems, but when you hear about the same problems day after day...

I´ve come to the conclusion that there are some people in this world who just thrive on this "leech" type of relationship; they must be getting something out of it. I used to know a woman- before I broke off that "friendship"- who would be negative, complain about her life and gossip spitefully about other people all the time. I put up with it for awhile, because she kept telling me she was going through a rough time and needed a friend (I was gullible). It took me awhile to realize that I always felt depressed and completely sapped of energy after seeing her, whereby she felt more energized. Some people actually thrive on negativity, believe it or not. The best thing to do is get out of that relationship, if it comes to that point. This is a natural thing, friendships can change. At some point, too, people have to be willing to help themselves, and not rely on you to do it for them...

If she wont help herself or accept help, then you're probably going to have to end your relationship with her. I have had friends who have been emotional paracites, and I had to end the friendship to preserve my own emotional well being.