Paranoia and general awkwardness

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I feel as though i have a flashing neon sign above my head that says "MUTANT". It's distressing. Being a terrible klutz doesn't help.. See, I work in a thrift store.. and constantly I have multiple bruises; getting my clothes hooked on things as I walk by, hangers biting me [leaving me with dark nasty bruises and cuts, from HANGERS], I bump into racks constantly.
I marvel at my coworkers, who appear to just gracefully glide throughout the store with ease. Whereas I must make a conscious effort -not- to trip over my feet/invisible potholes.

I have to try 10x as hard just to look like I'm not trying.
And I have to make a great effort to appear/act normal. As in, just casual, not awkward.
When I meet someone for the first time, they seem to look at me strangely.. as though they're inspecting or searching me.. you know, when there's a long pause and they look at you in the way one would observe a strange creature in a zoo.

most people, when looking at me, look at me a bit strangely even though I dress normally. Something.. It isn't the usual social anxiety, the normal unease. I can act and make myself appear however I wish, to an extent, for a short while - but no matter WHAT, always, for as long as I can remember - something is just "off" with me.

But I hate, hate being mistaken as boring or uninteresting just because I'm quiet, don't [usually] dress outrageously and can't make small talk. I try, and others at work try all the time, but.. often my mind just freezes and I can't figure out how to speak without sounding like an idiot. I want to talk to them, but they've already gone away by the time I've come out out of my daze.

..By the way, I do not have Aspergers, at least not according to the last few doctors [just the normal family kind] I've visited. My mom brought it up, since my brother's autistic and they all said "Oh no, you don't have Aspergers". Inconclusive, but still.
[So, I don't know what exactly my problem is.]

[quote="Birdgirl"]I feel as though i have a flashing neon sign above my head that says "MUTANT". It's distressing.

most people, when looking at me, look at me a bit strangely even though I dress normally. Something.. It isn't the usual social anxiety, the normal unease. I can act and make myself appear however I wish, to an extent, for a short while - but no matter WHAT, always, for as long as I can remember - something is just "off" with me.

quote]

Believe me I can relate to what you're saying. I havent as yet been diagnosed with A.S, however I will know my answer soon as I am going for a diagnosis. Whether these feelings are somehow related I dont know, but I sympathise with you because I know what you're going through.

Wow you really might. You certainly seem to speak like an aspie girl (I'm starting to pick up on subtle differences in the language of aspie and NT girls, or it could always be in my imagination like a lot of the inane stuff I seem to sprout).

That whole motor clumsiness thing is definitely an aspie trait, I used to break stuff all the time and my legs are always terribly bruised. When I was a little kid (before I was diagnosed with aspergers) a doctor said I had weak muscle tone all over my body.

I think a lot of doctors don't want to say you have aspergers unless you present the symptoms very severely...........they should remember that it's entirely possible you just have a relatively mild form of aspergers.

When I was about four I was sent to see various specalists because of my slightly unusual behavior and certain co-ordination problems. They said I was dyspraxic but mist the aspergers, probably because my symptoms are fairly mild.

I fe lie that too. Sometimes I get nervous when walking in the cafeteria. It's like I'm afraid that people will look at me funny or something. I'm also paranoid. Whenever I've been talking to someone for a long time I feel like that person is starting to dislike me or is annoyed by me for some reason.

Ah now there's a story I can relate to.

Here is my advice: stop trying to seem normal. You're only lying to yourself and those around you. I was born with a facial deformaty and I could always count on people looking at me funny. The truth is, that only lasts about 10 seconds once you start talking to them, though that, for me, can be very, very hard. If you don't worry about yourself, 99.9999% of the time most people won't worry about you.

Remember, most people are worried about themselves, just like you and me. I discovered it was selfish of me to think that they would dedicate large amounts of their concentration just to scrutenize me.

Its not normal for someone, As or no, to be that clutzy. You need to speak to a doctor and see if you have some other condition going on