I lost my only good friend...

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Hey. I just joined because I needed to see if there were others out there that have done this before. First some back ground: I haven't been diagnosed with Asperger's yet but I came across an article on it a few years ago and it was the answer I had been looking for. Suddenly everything i had been feeling made sense. I don't want to be diagnosed because I'm afraid of what it will mean.

But to the real problem: It was always hard for me to make friends. I was never really close to anyone in high school and now I'm in college. I spent the first few years of college without really making any close friends, but three semesters ago i made the concerted effort to make one. And I did. I actually got excited that I had someone to talk to. Soon we were always hanging out and he introduced me to his other friends and life seemed good. But then the doubts started coming. I kept second-guessing his ways and the things he did. I think my behaviour made him act that way. I finally told him that i thought I had Asperger Syndrome as a way of explaining things. We've been friends now for about a solid year, but I did it again. I keep asking him if there's something wrong because it feels like there is. I try to keep quiet but it builds inside of me. Now he says our friendship is over but I really don't want it to be. I wish he knew how much his friendship meant, but sometimes i think it comes across as saying too much, like I'm being too expressive.

I'm sorry... it used to be that I had never stayed close friends with anyone for over three years running. That means I went through all that a couple times at primary school, and at intermediate, once at college, and every time I felt as though my heart would break. I know it seems unfair that life goes on despite broken friendships and dreams. My best friend is an Aspie (sort of) and so am I. I hope you find what you need to feel better, good luck.

Hi Airvault,

Your story sounds quite familiar to me; I had a longer reply typed up here, but then I realised I might be second-guessing you myself!

You said that this person was your only friend, but that he introduced you to a number of his. To me, this says that you needed his friendship more than he needed yours; you had more to lose and hence, spent considerably more time and energy worrying about it.

I don't mean that he was 'using' you; it doesn't sound like he was, but you shouldn't depend on one person alone (there's an NT expression 'don't put all your eggs in one basket' which basically means, if the basket drops, all the eggs will break; in this case, if the friendship 'drops', then you're the one left alone).

You made one friend, and from the sounds of it, succeeded well; it'll be easier the next time. I suggest you focus on talking to new people and hanging around with them; they don't have to be your bestest buddies immediately, just people to go places with and chill (I read here once that friendships are based on shared experience, not similarities and that sounds very true to me). Once you have a stable group of people to fall back on, then you could try resuming your old friendship, but remember it's not as important as it once was (and make sure not to ditch your new friends in the process) and if he seems distant again, just shrug and go hang out with the others.

(I'm presuming a lot here, but I'm pretty sure I've made this mistake several time in the past)

(edited to clean up double post)

Last edited by Lene on 15 Jan 2009, 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

delete

I know exactly how that feels, though the situation was a bit different for me.

All I can say is...well, honestly, I'm not sure what to say. I've managed to get and keep a few friends over the years, even though I haven't made that many really good friends. I'd hate to say 'give it time and see if he realizes how good of a friend you really are' since you said you don't really have any other close friends to turn to while you wait, but that would be the remedy I'd suggest.

Instead, I'd say write him one letter saying all of how you feel, explaining how much of a friend he is, explaining why he's so important to you. Maybe even explain that if there's something that's bothering him about you. he needs to tell you or you can't fix it. At some point in the letter, mention (as long as it's the truth) that he means a lot to you, but if he's sure that you two can't be friends, then so be it. He's got to see that you care, but that you're not obsessed with him.

Anyway, just my suggestions, they are by no means necessarily the only way to try and solve this.

I don't mean to criticize this response; if the reason the friendship fell apart was because the OP didn't seem to care, then writing a letter might be an excellent idea. In this case though, the OP has already asked several times what's wrong and shown that he likes the friendship; repeating the same in written form will not get different answers, it will just cause even more annoyance to the friend.

By all means, I could use more criticism than I normally get.

And you're right. Somehow, I missed the fact that a written message would not get a different response. I was probably thinking otherwise because I know I express myself better in writing than I do when speaking and so figured such a difference would invoke a different response.


Also, I missed your response when I originally read the thread. What you said makes a lot of sense, much more than my 'one last effort at it' sort of approach.

Friends will come and go, but good friends will be there forever.

I think I got that somehow different to whatever it is an NT said to me once, but what I said is true for your situation. If he didn't value your friendship enough, it's a positive thing that you are both moving on. I know it's hard for an aspie, but you WILL make new friends.

Glad you didn't take it the wrong way

(btw, I double-posted by accident and went back and deleted the second one; you replied when I was editing my first post, which was why you couldn't read it)

Ohh, I gotcha. Yup, that would explain it.

I feel the same way sometimes when I am depressed and trying to make friends, and it always seems like I'm second-guessing whether or not the friendship is mutual, which makes me come off as overly creepy/stalkerish (I've gotten confessions of this sort - not just paranoia).

I know this is very hard, but I would recommend that you try not to take so much time questioning your future friends about whether or not they want to continue with the friendship. Act the way you normally would, and accept invitations when they come.

If you are looking for a best friend, make them need you as much as you need them. Do this by looking for ways to be helpful to them, ask them how they are feeling and "what's up?" (this seems awkward, but comes almost second-nature after practice), and make some invitations of your own. Even if they decline the invitations, they will still remember them and are most likely to return them if you don't get defensive when they do.

I follow that advice, and I haven't had any problems so far with it.