If Only I Had The Guts!

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I haven't been to wrongplanet in a long while but I've been feeling extremely annoyed with myself lately and even if no one reads this I think I'll feel better once it's written down and off my chest. Well, I'm eighteen this year and though I don't think it's weird for someone my age to still be living with their parent, it still makes me feel like a moocher and a waste of space. My mom loves me to death and always says things along the lines of being totally fine with me still living here and how I'm not a burden. I know that when she says those things that she really doesn't mind me being with her and that she loves me very much but for ME, I always feel like I'm not doing enough to be an independant adult and that I have to leave the nest SOMEDAY and it's nothing against my mom at all it's just that I WANT to venture out into the cruel world of neurotypicals *shudder*. I don't want to be a burden to anyone ever, I want to be my own strong individual. But my entire life all I've ever heard from adults in a position of authority (like teachers and bullies...and bully teachers -.-) is stuff like "You need to toughen up." Fair enough. But whenever I actually "toughen up" and assert myself I always seem to get into trouble, I always end up feeling like I'M the one in the wrong for standing up for myself when absolutely no one will stand up for me. I'll never understand myself when it comes to feeling guilty for hurting someone who DEEPLY hurt me first. Most NTs that I know will hurt anyone that stands in the way of getting what they want. I only wish I could be like that. I only wish I were able to step all over people to get my way. But I'm not, I'm overly overly OVERLY sensitive to everything anyone says to me. I've been getting better at handling other people's opinions and views of me over the past couple of years but when I think back to when I was still in public school and dealt with bullies on a daily basis instead of fighting back I would just go home and cry myself to sleep. Now though, I use voice acting as a way to let people know that I do exist, that I actually am good at SOMETHING for once in my life, and although many great voice actors and actresses would say that it's bad for the craft, I hide myself behind the microphone. If all anyone hears is the voice of an anime character and all they see is an animation of a beautiful pink haired girl of some sort well then they don't have to focus on the person BEHIND that beautiful girl. A real person with so many flaws and social problems it's sickening.

I'm so scared of what people will think of me, too. I fear my own opinions, for if they're heard aloud, I may lose the only people that I actually enjoy being around. I'm always so eager to please that I can hardly say I never feel fake. Whenever I audition for a radio play or a group fandub or something I always have to stop and think "If I say this cuss word like the character says it...will people think I'm a bad person?" or "Oh, someone just sent me a chain letter about Jesus...better not tell them I'm athiest and would rather not recieve something like this anymore *inbox fills with christian chainletters*" That's so dumb of me, I know. No matter who likes or dislikes it that's really me and I should just be proud of who I am. But I'm not. I can't be. At least not yet anyway. Voice acting has actually helped break out of my shell quite a bit, so maybe being myself and not worrying what others think so much will get easier as I get older. Maybe it won't. I don't know. But I do know that I WANT to have friends and I WANT to have genuine relationships where I can tell my secrets and laugh and cry without worrying " I'm such a weirdo, I'm so painfully awkward! What if they don't like me? What if they're REPULSED by the sight of me?!" I want to cosplay but I can't handle the what ifs of doing so..."What if people make fun of my costume and post pictures on a cosplay bashing website? ;-;" All these dumb little what ifs in my life are starting to weigh heavily on my heart.

It's sad and kind of funny really. I'm a social disaster. I have next to zero confidence in myself. I worry about being too average looking and not "media beautiful" way too much for own good. And yet...I aspire to be an ACTRESS and a WRITER! Those who bare their souls to the world in spoken and written word. I can barely finish a sentence in front of a polite stranger, so I wonder how I'll manage a whole script of dialogue complete with dramatic hand gestures and *gasp* TOUCHING other cast members! What a cruel joke it is for me to want these things and yet feel so powerless to obtain them. But, I'm not going to sit and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to train myself to deal with people. I may not like it much, but if it will help me reach my goal then I'm willing to try anything. That way at least on my death bed I can say "I may have failed miserably but godammit, I gave it my all!"

*deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Ok, I feel a little better now. I can't say that this post was really going anywhere in particular, but I guess I can lead into the direction of some sort of discussion by asking anyone whom dares to read the mess I wrote in a haze if you've ever had or have the desire to do something that seems so AGAINST aspie nature? And if so, what? Did you achieve your goal? How did it make you feel? Am I asking too many questions? Is this annoying you yet? Hmmmm? *is shot* Ok ok, I'm done I swear...XD

Last edited by SakuraKino on 22 Jan 2009, 2:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

I never knew I had an aspie nature, until recently at fifty five. Maybe you would try more things more confidently by 'forgetting' psychologically that you 'have an aspie nature'. It might be a 'good' trick. Or maybe even better.....see your aspie nature as a MOUNTAIN to be climbed.......and then when you *succeed* you can REALLY!! !! !! !! KNOW!! !! ! that you overcame a MUCH BIGGER obstacle than *most* could understand......except for other aspies, of course. I fear that had I known at eighteen that I was an aspie, I might have depended on it too much, as an excuse not to AT LEAST TRY..........trying is a good thing.....I try, and I fail.......but I learn A LOT by trying....if I hadn't tried, I'd never have LEARNED the things I've learned.......and isn't life about LEARNING AND LOVING mostly? That's how I see it.....LEARNING AND LOVING. Not always succeeding, but LEARNING AND LOVING. That's how we GROW!

well, that was definitely my case. i used to worry too much about what others thought of me and i really suffered if someone disliked me and i wanted to know why, but that was strange when asked them. anyway, later i discovered that most of the times people disliked me to cover their own issues. what are your usuall reasons to dislike others?

another important discovery in my life was that people tend to like others for being themselves and you can even be strange but it doesn't matter because if you accept yourself for who you are, they are going to accept you too.

you already started something you are good at, there is your confidence, built it on it. i am doing my best to be a good hearted person and even though i have other qualities to built my confidence upon, being a good person is the main thing i value in myself and everytime i fail in something i console myself that at least i still have the good heart.

talking in public, teaching and guiding students at an university, that seems against aspie nature, but meantime i've learned how to gather the confidence, force myself to speak loud and clear and now i believe i am going to be good at it.

you seem to have a good attitude and going in a good direction. good luck then, go after it and don't overanalyze things so much, you are right, you think of too many if's. just keep it out of your mind, think less

There's a lot in your post that I can't speak to, but the one thing I would like to address is the "north american/western" way of thinking about leaving home and being on your own.

I think this is the only culture that actually supports "leaving home". Every other culture that I can think of offhand (almost all european, african, middle-eastern, and asian) all have a deep belief in 'family taking care of family'. Children stay at home until much later into their life than age 18, often staying with family, caring for the elderly, and in turn being cared for by their children.

Moving out on your own at 18 is ambitious. Take the opportunity to go to school and further your education in your chosen craft. Take advantage of the fact that you aren't paying rent (or at least paying a LOT less than you would be if you were out on your own), to save some money so that you can get out on your own.

the big bad NT world is just as big and just as bad to Aspie and NT alike. If your mom doesn't mind you being at home, (and since you didn't rant against how horrible it is to live at home, I can only surmise that this isn't an issue) What's the big rush?

If you don't want to be a "burden" get a part time job and buy your own clothing, etc. Buy groceries once in a while.. buy shampoo and soap, etc. You will feel like you are contributing to your home, and be proud of it, and it will show your mom that you are responsible. It will be one less thing for her to worry about when you DO leave to be on your own.

I understand the need to stretch your wings, be your own person, come and go as you please, but you have the rest of your life to do that. This is the time to learn, to grow and to make decisions about what to do with your life. That's a lot of pressure that's much easier to handle if you don't have to worry about the day to day mundane chores of surviving, paying rent, buying groceries, paying bills, going to a mundane job you hate, 9-5 just so that you have the priviledge of paying all those bills.

You are so young, and you have a beautiful lifetime to look forward to. I wish you all the best in your aspirations.

LL

hey LL, very well writen, i agree with that. i have left home when 23 years old, right after getting the degree. italians live with their parents up to 40 and they are proud of that.

Im not gonna babble on about what to do... there are plenty of people who had it worse then me. As far as getting dissapointed with someone not liking you, my parents told me the old school "just get over it" approach and over the years it has worked for me. The best thing i do is when I learn that someone dosent like me or when someone is rude to me (being as an NT it still does hurt just not as much) I pay attention to the people who do like me and think all the happy thoughts that involved them.

wat r u talkin about? r u saying its normal 2 live with ur parents in ur 40s in italy?