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My friend doesn't believe me about AS

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pensieve
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26 Jan 2009, 7:57 pm

Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's I told my friend that I thought I had it. She didn't believe me. I thought 'fair enough, it's not official yet.' I also didn't talk to her from that time.
Two or three months later I tell her again, this time I am diagnosed. She still doesn't believe me and thinks I am misdiagnosed.
She thinks just because I talked to her in the past and seemed fine that I don't have it. I was on a very special medication to help me with social skills at the time - it's called alcohol!
Then she goes on and says if I did have AS then the two of us would never be friends, because I would never be able to talk to her. So, she has her own way of thinking what people with AS are like. I have tried to explain that not all people with AS are the same.
I don't really want to be friends with someone that doesn't believe that I have AS. Is that wrong?



Spokane_Girl

26 Jan 2009, 8:03 pm

No. If she is with you more often, maybe she will start to see there are some things different about you. If you aren't with someone often enough, their AS can be hard to see so I would assume it means theirs is mild because it's not showing or they just don't care what people are like and don't focus on the word "normal" so they are not going to see someone is different than other people. They won't pick up on the traits someone has of AS. I'm that way. If I focus on their condition, then I would see it because I know what AS is and know what to look for. It's just assumptions.



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26 Jan 2009, 8:06 pm

pensieve wrote:
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's I told my friend that I thought I had it. She didn't believe me. I thought 'fair enough, it's not official yet.' I also didn't talk to her from that time.
Two or three months later I tell her again, this time I am diagnosed. She still doesn't believe me and thinks I am misdiagnosed.
She thinks just because I talked to her in the past and seemed fine that I don't have it. I was on a very special medication to help me with social skills at the time - it's called alcohol!
Then she goes on and says if I did have AS then the two of us would never be friends, because I would never be able to talk to her. So, she has her own way of thinking what people with AS are like. I have tried to explain that not all people with AS are the same.
I don't really want to be friends with someone that doesn't believe that I have AS. Is that wrong?


The part I underlined makes me think that your friend does not know the difference between autism and Aspergers. Aspergers is milder, and we are known to have problems because we sometimes seem normal to other people.

She doesn't sound like a good listener so good luck explaining that. Or maybe she is one of those people that can't admit they are wrong. Try a few more times, but if she won't listen she won't listen. Not your fault.


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26 Jan 2009, 8:07 pm

You have every right to set the standards for what you believe a friend should be. If one of those standards includes them trusting you, then so be it. Personally, I think that if a person does not believe me on such a crucial issue, then they are not a friend.

I expect a person to trust me if I said, "I'm color blind" or "I'm lactose intolerant." If they didn't then they must think that I am either (a) lying, (b) ignorant and/or misinformed, or (c) too stupid to know what I'm talking about.

So why not expect them to trust me if I say, "I have Asperger's Syndrome"?

You're in the right.


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pensieve
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26 Jan 2009, 8:25 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
No. If she is with you more often, maybe she will start to see there are some things different about you. If you aren't with someone often enough, their AS can be hard to see so I would assume it means theirs is mild because it's not showing or they just don't care what people are like and don't focus on the word "normal" so they are not going to see someone is different than other people. They won't pick up on the traits someone has of AS. I'm that way. If I focus on their condition, then I would see it because I know what AS is and know what to look for. It's just assumptions.


She's not a friend I see very often, even though I felt closer to her. She recently moved away even further, but still close enough for a get together in the city.

I guess you are right, because my I was surprised that my ex would believe me about having AS, though he did spend a great deal of time with me for 5 months, so he would have picked up on a few things.
I have had other friends that I've seen less of than my friend who have believed me.



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26 Jan 2009, 9:45 pm

I really think there's a large section of society that not only doesn't know what AS is, but also what autism is as well. It takes patient explaining, one friend at a time.



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26 Jan 2009, 10:59 pm

pensieve wrote:
I don't really want to be friends with someone that doesn't believe that I have AS. Is that wrong?


Wrong? No. Silly? Sort of. Seems like it will only add to your stress when it comes to friendships.



pensieve
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26 Jan 2009, 11:40 pm

KazigluBey wrote:
pensieve wrote:
I don't really want to be friends with someone that doesn't believe that I have AS. Is that wrong?


Wrong? No. Silly? Sort of. Seems like it will only add to your stress when it comes to friendships.


It just seems it would be awkward to be around her now. My other friends that haven't shared their opinion I'm still ok with. Although my sister was skeptic at first and we seem pretty cool now. She still does get on my nerves though.



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27 Jan 2009, 12:41 am

pensieve - That's rough, and like some here stated, you're not being wrong. You stated the truth. I guess, in reality, some just aren't that understanding and don't even want to learn. I guess you could try to explain but maybe she just doesn't want to know...sigh. In which case maybe she isn't a very good friend.

Maybe there are others who'll be willing to listen, and be your friend.


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27 Jan 2009, 7:41 am

If your friend doesn't think you have AS you should probably be flattered. They would probably rather think of you as a person then a condition. If you could explain to them what AS was they may be more likely to believe you.

Good Luck in any case.


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27 Jan 2009, 7:08 pm

Prosser wrote:
If your friend doesn't think you have AS you should probably be flattered. They would probably rather think of you as a person then a condition. If you could explain to them what AS was they may be more likely to believe you.

Good Luck in any case.


I know I should, but I'm not exactly mild. I struggle with it everyday. The last time I saw her was the worst despite me trying to ignore that I was having a meltdown. So, it's like she's saying 'oh it's not that bad' when I literally ran away from the area we were at without saying goodbye.
And when a person doesn't believe me about something it's like they're calling me a liar or thinking they know more than me.



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27 Jan 2009, 8:04 pm

pensieve wrote:
I know I should, but I'm not exactly mild. I struggle with it everyday. The last time I saw her was the worst despite me trying to ignore that I was having a meltdown. So, it's like she's saying 'oh it's not that bad' when I literally ran away from the area we were at without saying goodbye.
And when a person doesn't believe me about something it's like they're calling me a liar or thinking they know more than me.


It's hurtful. I've had a couple instances where people I was close to would exaggeratedly mimic my AS behavior to my face, then when I got upset, respond "So why is it ok for you to do it and not me? Because you have some 'mental disorder?'"

Sometimes when someone is so insistent on denying the life trials of another, it says more about the former person than the latter. I've come across quite a few people who are reluctant to admit that others might have to deal with difficulties that they don't. I think in some cases it can be an excuse for people to focus all their empathy on themselves.



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27 Jan 2009, 9:11 pm

ford_prefects_kid wrote:
pensieve wrote:
I know I should, but I'm not exactly mild. I struggle with it everyday. The last time I saw her was the worst despite me trying to ignore that I was having a meltdown. So, it's like she's saying 'oh it's not that bad' when I literally ran away from the area we were at without saying goodbye.
And when a person doesn't believe me about something it's like they're calling me a liar or thinking they know more than me.


It's hurtful. I've had a couple instances where people I was close to would exaggeratedly mimic my AS behavior to my face, then when I got upset, respond "So why is it ok for you to do it and not me? Because you have some 'mental disorder?'"

Sometimes when someone is so insistent on denying the life trials of another, it says more about the former person than the latter. I've come across quite a few people who are reluctant to admit that others might have to deal with difficulties that they don't. I think in some cases it can be an excuse for people to focus all their empathy on themselves.


That's horrible. I would slap anyone that did that in front of me. People used to make fun of my stutter or when I mispronounced words, and even for my lack of direction. I still have problems explaining things to my sister because the way she asks me to explain something is like a teacher is yelling at me about why I didn't hand my homework in on time. I have a lot of problems with her, but she's coming through, just very slowly.

My friend once said that she was more likely to have the AS symptoms that I described to her. So, she may have it too, or it's in her family. Or like you said she's putting the empathy on herself.



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29 Jan 2009, 9:40 pm

Hm...good friends are rare. I mean for me, the people who will fill the void of loneliness who I could imagine feeling close to are rare. If she's just making a mistake then you should keep her as a friend. If she's not a good friend, ditch her.



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29 Jan 2009, 10:52 pm

I haven't heard back from her since I started this thread.

Some of my main problems with her attitude is:
*It sounds like she is denying that AS even exists
*She is trying to make me think I am misdiagnosed as well
*She's trying to relate those symptoms back to herself

Although she may think I seem as though I don't have it.

I need to word my next e-mail to her very carefully.



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30 Jan 2009, 12:50 am

pensieve wrote:
ford_prefects_kid wrote:
pensieve wrote:
I know I should, but I'm not exactly mild. I struggle with it everyday. The last time I saw her was the worst despite me trying to ignore that I was having a meltdown. So, it's like she's saying 'oh it's not that bad' when I literally ran away from the area we were at without saying goodbye.
And when a person doesn't believe me about something it's like they're calling me a liar or thinking they know more than me.


It's hurtful. I've had a couple instances where people I was close to would exaggeratedly mimic my AS behavior to my face, then when I got upset, respond "So why is it ok for you to do it and not me? Because you have some 'mental disorder?'"

Sometimes when someone is so insistent on denying the life trials of another, it says more about the former person than the latter. I've come across quite a few people who are reluctant to admit that others might have to deal with difficulties that they don't. I think in some cases it can be an excuse for people to focus all their empathy on themselves.


That's horrible. I would slap anyone that did that in front of me. People used to make fun of my stutter or when I mispronounced words, and even for my lack of direction. I still have problems explaining things to my sister because the way she asks me to explain something is like a teacher is yelling at me about why I didn't hand my homework in on time. I have a lot of problems with her, but she's coming through, just very slowly.

My friend once said that she was more likely to have the AS symptoms that I described to her. So, she may have it too, or it's in her family. Or like you said she's putting the empathy on herself.
I have punched a few people, quite a few times, when people bully me because they know I'm gullible.
Sadly, that made me suppress most of my Autistic symptoms, and I feel frustrated that I act like somebody I'm not. And sometimes I'm ashamed of myself because I can't hide them...