Pity Friends

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I was friends with this guy, who has Asperger's, but then I realized that I feel nothing but pity towards him. So I wrote him a letter, telling him as gently as possible that we should go our separate ways because I've only been friends with him out of habit. My parents, however, think that what I did was terrible because this guy is a loner. So my question is, are pity friendships immoral? I, personally, think it's always best to be honest and I'd rather have one or two very good friends than 100 friends, who don't genuinely like me. That's why I feel that if you have Asperger's, you shouldn't tell people unless you're very close to them, in order to make sure that people like you for YOU and invite you places not out of pity, but because they want to be with you.

so why are you here?

does your friend post here and you want to humiliate him some more?

I think that's fair, you shouldn't be friends with someone you don't actually want to be friends with. I was recently on your end of that situation, and I am better being out of that friendship. So is she, evidently, as she's now swanning about with the popular crowd.

That's a bit harsh.

I don't think it's immoral. It'd be immoral if you were to be someone's friend for material goods, if anything, it's a good thing to be someone's friend because you feel sorry for them or think they need more friends.
However, I do think it's immoral to lead them on that you're friends with someone because you like them.
So, I mean, I think it's both good and bad.
EMZ=]

I don't understand why you're using such a belligerent tone, as if I did something to you, personally. I'm here in order to help out people, who have AS. I don't know if he posts here and have no intention of humiliating him.

Well, what's stopping you from becoming true friends with him?

you're interested in helping people with AS, so you dump one of them off your 'friend' list.

we already get enough of that kind of 'help' thanks.

I think the best way to stop being friends with someone is if you slowly drift away from each other. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it's the less hurtful way. I have to do that now and sometimes it just happens that way.
I've had pity friends before and they seem to be very clingy. There are some people that you don't want as your friends, despite being a loner, so I can understand where you are coming from.

The fact that I feel zero affection towards him. When I got my first qualm that something was off, I thought maybe it was just my imagination. So I decided to go on a little vacation from him, to figure things out. I didn't speak to him in almost three months and found that I don't miss him at all. And friendship without affection is just plain impossible.



For your information, the reason I dumped him had nothing to do with him having AS. Like I said, it's because I felt no affection.



I'll have to disagree with you on that 100%. For anyone, especially people with Asperger's, it's downright frustrating if someone acts like your friend and then suddenly stops calling and is mysteriously "busy." If anything, it's more hurtful that way because it drags out the hurt. Knowing the truth means you can deal with it, and you can't deal with the unknown.

This site exists to support people with AS, and as such it's possible your friend does know of it and post here. In the light of that, and the fact that you don't have AS, I find your presence here bizarre and inappropriate.

Oh well, it works for NT's. Not once have I or my friends told each other that we don't want to be friends anymore.

Sorry to be negative, but I don't see any possible way this could go smoothly unless he doesn't care. Be honest, do you feel contempt for him? Because I always thought you could be a friend (maybe not best friends) to someone as long as you don't dislike them.

If you are here to help, it's good you're here. It's sometimes good to see an NT's perspective, and hard to get for some of us.

What I find bizarre and inappropriate is you judging what I'm doing when you don't even know me. Last time I checked, neurotypicals were allowed to join and besides, if you read my first post, you'll see that I lived a few years thinking I had Asperger's. Whether the guy posts here or not is not the issue.

I disagree, my sympathy and support here are for people with Asperger's.

Whether the guy posts here or not is most certainly an issue. Maybe you could check with him.

I'm trying to figure this out....you don't have affection for him, so was he a friend or a dating-type friend? If it's physical affection you're talking about, did you have a frank discussion with him prior to writing him the note? I mean, I definitely think it's bad to be a pity friend, but typically you don't become a friend if it's out of pity. You can, however, be a pity dater, which is definitely a good thing to end.

Does that make sense? Anywho, if it's the dating part, then I think you DID do the right thing, as long as you've given him a chance to discuss it with you.

Yes, they prefer to be let down easy and with lies so that they can lie to themselves and protect their egos. To me, though, it's one of the most painful things that someone can do to me. And it was done to me tons of times, by tons of people. It took me many years to understand it was a tactic. You're made to look like a fool, because you don't know what's going on, you keep asking and the other keeps lying that you're just imagining things, that nothing has changed, that they've just been busy lately, while all the time showing the opposite with their actions, distancing more and more till the relationship you two had once feels like a distant memory. And then more insisting that you're imagining things, and more distancing. It's crazy-making. To me it seems like a game from the devil. In the end you're so confused by their mixed messages, so dizzy from the covert/overt rejection, you start doubting your own sanity and ability to judge reality correctly. In the meantime, you've gotten so used to doing with so little friendship from them that you take any crumbles they throw you with gratitude and as a hopeful sign that things may be improving. One day you realize you haven't heard from them in months and that you'll never hear from them again. Then a few years later you bump into them at some party and they act as if you two had lost touch through circumstance and hey, let's call and arrange to do something together. You exchange phone numbers, all your hope and nostalgic feelings come back to you, only to be blown off if you do call, or if they promised to call they never do. I know the routine so well, have been on the receiving so many times. I always, clueless me, thought that they weren't aware of what they were doing. Nowadays I know they're fully aware and hold them responsible - of mental cruelty. They'd better not cross my way or ever need anything from me, because I'll destroy their self-confidence as they did mine.