Should I tell him I missed him and thought about him or NOT?

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I'm an NT who has a friend with HFA. He's decades younger than me but we hang out at the school where I work and he really talks to me. Anyway, we had a week off school so we will be going back after 10 days. I've missed him. I'm not allowed to socialize with him outside of school (unfortunately...not until he is 18 years old) but I thought about him ALOT and really wished I could call or email him. He is living in very worrisome conditions. Should I actually say "I missed you" or "I thought about you alot" or might that weird him out? I would never in a million years expect him to say "I missed you, too" cuz that isn't his style. I just wonder if it's too personally direct or blunt or weird. Maybe I should just keep that to myself? Advice? (FYI- I have no problem saying "I missed you" to the NT kids at school...and I tell them I love them and such all the time...as in "You know I love you but your behavior is horrible so you need to take a time out).

You should try to be straightforward with your friend if possible. People on the spectrum need to be told things directly, because we often have difficulty with reading hints, or interpreting what the other person is thinking.

thanks tim, i realize i need to be direct but i'm wondering if saying "i missed you" is "over the top." maybe i shouldn't tell him or hint or disclose at all? that's the question. to tell or not to tell. i certainly wouldn't want him to feel uneasy about that. even though i wouldn't be offended if he replied, "cool but i didn't miss you at all," maybe it's just too weird to bring up?

in the past, when i've told NT kids that i missed them over vacation, responses have been mixed ...from getting a hug and "i missed you, too" to "eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww, gross" to "you're lying, you didn't miss us, you hate us..." NT kids can say anything on the spot, true or untrue, to diffuse emotional situations.

i'm wondering if i would be putting him in an awkward position.

I think it would be inappropriate for you to say or do anything, tbh.

You say he's living in worrisome conditions.

I think your relationship with his is a bit worrisome, tbh.

Your profile says you're 46. He's under 18. You hang out at the school you work at. But you're not allowed to socialise with him outside school. If he were a colleague, I should think that there would be no restrictions, so this makes me think that he is a student at the school. If that's the case, if you're a staff member in a position of responsibility, then it's arguable a "friendship" that you hint you would rather involve socialising outside school in leisure time could be construed as inappropriate.

I wonder if you're perhaps confusing your feelings for him. Sometimes, younger Aspies can seem quite conservative and hence more mature than their peers. While other teenagers might be hit really hard by puberty and involved in relationships with one another, and obsessed by the latest fashions, Aspies can seem more mature in that they're not full on teenage-hormonal being awkward, they might not think of people in terms of attraction, as they might feel insecure about their own attractiveness, and they're not necessarily skilled in the non-verbal communication skills including body language and facial expressions that other teenagers might be quite awkward with or use quite clumsily.

I remember when I was a teenager at high school and was excluded from physics classes, I used to go and sit in the headmaster's office and we used to talk about stuff, not like regular teenagers would talk, I shouldn't imagine, but about education, my experiences in my previous school, current affairs and so on. Some Aspies lack that 'you're an adult, I'm a child' way of interacting, because they don't necessarily conform to such conventions, or perhaps might not even realise such conventions of putting an adult on a pedestal and being overly respectful exist, and they can talk like 'little professors' so can carry on 'adult' conversations in more adult language because they might not adopt teenage slang.

I don't think you should say anything, because you seem to view your relationship with this child, and he is still a child, as more of a friendship, something you would want in other circumstances to involve more socialising. You seem to think that your relationship with this Aspie child is a bit different to the other students, you say that you tell them you miss them and you say you tell them you love them - in the context of disciplining them. But your feelings about this Aspie child seem to be more about friendship and hanging out. If you're a staff member, you should respect boundaries and you shouldn't have such close friendships with students.

EnglishLuLu,
thank you for your direct and honest reply. i will abstain as you suggest. i also appreciate your candor about "inappropriate" relationships. i do imagine that when he is 18, he will be a friend of both myself and my husband. his housing situation is horrible (see other posts), he needs a break from where he is living and my husband and I will likely invite him to spend time in our home (not far from where he lives) where he would have privacy, healthy food, comfortable surroundings and some peace...conditions he never experiences at home. this is a kid who has no resources at home and who has never, for example, spent time in the big city, only 10 minutes from where he lives. he's brilliant and he's never had access to theater, concerts, museums, and other cultural aspects of nearby city life. he is sort of trapped, a prisoner, of his family life. it's NOT an easy situation. school staff often does his laundry, gives him food, and so on. he has 1 family member who gives him love, care, and respite but he can't live with her. my husband might have excellent contacts for him in terms of future work, etc.
so, while i appreciate your concern, there is no cause for alarm. he has told me many times that he has never had a friend, just acquaintances, and that he feels he and i can be real friends. i think it's great he talks to me (and other adults) about his home life and family problems and so on. he chooses, however, not to talk about deep personal issues with his age-appropriate peers although he does help them study, play boards games at lunch, and joke around with him. he does not socialize with anyone outside of school. nobody should be lonely or disconnected if they don't have to be. he will be an adult in the not to distant future and he will decide.

Some of my best friends when I was a teenager were adults. I had two teachers who opened their homes to me and other students when our family lives were in disarray... I had a teacher take me out after school, etc. I realize it's considered TABOO but some of our kids prefer hanging out at school to going home. Sometimes going home is a dangerous or very uncomfortable or neglectful place.

i am trying to get him a bicycle (donated) so he can more easily do all the errands/chores he needs to do for his family who don't have a car. is that inappropriate?
and EnglishLuLu- why were you kicked out of physics?

Ooo...

Now, from my perspective, people with AS/HFA that I know are slower to "freak out" socially than their NT peers. As in...it would probably take a bit more for a person with AS/HFA to label another person as "creepy". Often because AS/HFA people are often accused of being creepy, while having good or neutral intentions.

So my main concern isn't that your 'friend' might think that you're being creepy, but the fact that the school administration wouldn't take kindly to that kind of conversation between a person in your position and ANY student. Not just this one.

Katie- Thanks for your reply. We have really open communication with the kids at the school. Staff can hug kids, we can tell them to sit their butts down and stop acting like jerks...it's very casual and "real" there. Kids cuss all the time and staff ignores it. It's a very urban school and we deal with real urban issues...kids with parents in prison and/or deported, parents on drugs, kids on probation, lots of gangbanging, kids whose family members have been killed, etc.
It's not the kind of place where staff is judged for talking to kids on their level or being very straight up and honest with them. We have staff who directly say, "Your mom is a screw up" or "Your dad is a disaster, etc...' I've heard lots of school staff tell kids to "shut the(&^%$! up," etc.
There aren't the strictest of boundaries required. But thanks, point taken.