Worried about friendships with a time limit

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It's often mentioned here on WP that many of us run into situations where we are misinterpreted, but how many of you constantly worry about situations where you say or do the wrong thing, or are perceived in a way that makes no sense to you, and suddenly lose a friend?

I ask this because I've noticed that with a lot of social situations, particularly if it's someone I'm still getting to know, I'm prone to obsessing over whether something I just said or did is going to be that one thing that kills the friendship. Online, I check and re-check replies or friends lists, expecting to be told off or dropped at any moment, and question whether things I post are making people uncomfortable or bored. I interpret silence as implicit disinterest or disgust. I wonder if the other person simply tolerates me in an effort to be polite.

To make it worse, there have been quite a few instances where my doubts have been maliciously confirmed. Awhile back, while at a movie theater, I was with people I'd met fairly recently. We were waiting for one last person to show up, so I casually cracked a joke about why the person was so late. I barely had time to blink before one of them practically jumped down my throat, accusing me of being offensive and telling me that, "You don't know him and you're not allowed to talk about my friend that way!" Awkward silence followed and I spent the rest of the night feeling outcast from the group. I still know most of them, but have never felt entirely comfortable around them.

Other instances have been online, like people who I'd known for awhile and started hanging out with while going through a rough time, who suddenly posted something about me being a miserable person who tried to take advantage of them and was a source of drama. I called the person to ask if the post was about me, and after some discussion, was basically told that I'm too negative and self-loathing to be friends with.

Another was a friend of a girlfriend, who suddenly lashed out with (and this is cut slightly to not use names):
"You posted this at 1:30 AM, according to the LJ stamp. Considering that since she's been with you, she's gone from an outgoing, energetic, interesting wonderful friend to a closed in hermit, who suddenly and vehemently isolated herself from the people who cared for her, I personally hope she doesn't come home tonight. She will, of course, I mean good f*****g lord, she *used* to go out and have fun and dance and be alive until 3 or so AM back when she was friends with me, and her ass still came home to you.

So, I guess the total of my vitriol is this: I hope there is cause for you to worry, because I think you're a self absorbed ignorant prick that hides behind false pretention and knowing big words to toss around to impress people."

It's frustrating, because I try to tell myself that I'm just overreacting and jumping at shadows, and I rarely go out or indulge in gossip, but situations like that have left me with the feeling that there's a clock ticking down on any interaction I have with others. Anyone else with similar experiences and concerns that they'll inevitably happen?

Yes I'm exactly the same, when I've known someone for a while I tend to chill out a bit but when I'm still getting to know someone I get very worried about how what I say and how I act comes across.

But generally speaking I find that the only thing that actually scares people away is when they pick up on how worried I get. Being panicky and insecure generally doesn't ender yourself to people, they get to thinking being friends with you might be a lot of hard work.

I try and just think to hell with it and say whatever I want at the time, and let all my anxiety and worries out when I'm alone again. But then that really isn't very good for my mental health. Sometimes I try to think very pessimistically about it so I actually expect people to walk away from me, which then makes me less anxious about it and in turn makes the chances of it happening go down.

And the post that person made about you sounds like a load of typical nt s**t. You're not self absorbed you're introverted (probably I don't actually know you but it's my guess) and using you're intelligence against you is just so typical of a certain type of nt thing, as is the idea that if you're not out dancing getting wasted and being social all the time then you're life must be terrible. Anyway my point is however wrote that about you sounds like a bit of an idiot so I wouldn't worry about it too much, In fact I wouldn't worry about anything too much. You could spend you're hole life trying to figure out what goes on in other peoples heads and it probably wouldn't get you anywhere so just do whatever feels right and f**k what over people say .

Makes sense. I thought this might be the issue on a couple of occasions, but nobody ever gives that as the reason, so I"m left guessing or trying to read behind the lines of something else that's been said. I will say that it probably does require a certain amount of hard work to maintain a friendship with me, and I'm often neglectful when it comes to keeping in contact with people. I just kind of assume that they know I like them, and leave them to initiate social events because it feels like I'm being intrusive when I try to.


I used to be like this (hence part of the "misanthropic" bit below), but found that it often backfired on me. Maybe I'm too dry or sarcastic or something.


That actually touches upon part of the problem, at least here in Portland. Even though I'm typically very introverted, I spent several years as a club DJ, and a lot of the people I know (or have known) come from that scene. I was always more interested in the music, so when it became clear that most people cared more about keeping up appearances and getting drunk every week, I chose to distance myself from those things and quit. Not surprisingly, people I thought were my friends suddenly stopped having anything to do with me unless I went out every week. When I tried to bring this up, I was basically told that I didn't make enough of an effort and shouldn't complain about a lack of friends just because I don't want to do the same things as they do. At one point, I was told I was "too political" as a DJ because I was intent on playing more obscure types of music, not necessarily of the danceable variety, and vocally criticized a lot of the empty-headed dancefloor stuff. From that point on, I basically developed a reputation for being an elitist, misanthropic hermit...even though I hadn't really done anything other than play music I wanted to hear and ask why having friends meant going to a club every week.

I am having difficulty dealing with a situation with a friend of mine right now.

Keep in mind that she has AS, so I find it unusual that she would be like this.

I used to hear from my friend every day, now it's been almost two months since I last heard from her. She also used to be very open and friendly, in the last few months, she had become very secretive, and acting as if she was hiding a deep, dark secret. She always told me she was busy, and that it usually took her two weeks to a month for her to reply. Yet at the same time, she was on MySpace nearly every day.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 26 Feb 2009, 1:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

Just because people dont have AS, it doesn't mean you're in the wrong or they are *normal*...the hostile message you received and quoted seems thoroughly deranged. TBH, NT thought processes are alien enough, but the seriously disturbed are impossible to fathom.

As far as that individual is concerned, I'm inclined to agree. Believe it or not, I briefly lived with that person, too :p

I don't worry about these things. I don't consider any of my friends to be permanent either. Outstaying your welcome can happen anywhere. Knowing when to go is a learned skill.

I think Oli is on the right track here and the solution is to please your self and try not to give a f**k.

I know exactly how you feel. I am so self consious about screwing things up that I can not enjoy being round people. It is even worse now as in the last couple of years Ive had some bad experiences, the worst was when my best friend of ten years wrote me a 7 page letter saying every thing I had done that had annoyed her over that 10 years! This has led me to have real trust issues and I have great difficulty having anything to do with anyone and I certainly dont bother with real life friendships.

I thought having friendships with other aspies would be better as I thought they might be less judgmental and more tollerant but I think they probably are the same as everyone else. I think it will always be a challange for me to socialize with any people.

When I have been in a social situation I spend hours afterward ruminating about it and have bad nightmares before and after social things. I think it is probably a long standing problem with no easy solution.

My friend said she would never disappear without a good reason, but I haven't heard from her in two months.

I suppose it mostly comes down to trust. It sounds contradictory, but in general, I don't care what people think, just the people I want to be friends with.

I only know one other Aspie, but it seems presumptuous of me to call her a friend at this point. Potential friend, I guess? We seem to get along OK, though I still worry that I'll say the wrong thing. I'm doing it right now, actually :p

I've been having a problem with one of my friends.

I'm in year 11 now and I met him in year 7. We were best friends from year 7 to 10 and the whole time there was someone else with us that he liked, but I was very jealous of that person, and he was jealous of me. But come year 10 someone else turned up, and I practically got kicked of the trio. My friend completely changed his personality as he was very influenced by the other two.

Lately my friend and the other person have been continuously falling in and out with each other over various girlfriend issues. And when they fell out he came right back to me and was being much nicer and more mature than normal, it was just like old times. Then today I found out that they're friends again and he's already back to his old self. I basically hate him, but I'm still compelled to try and win him back. And when I think I've done something wrong I get all panicky about it, as we had a few small fallouts of our own that didn't last long either. And I have so much stuff I want to say to him but I can't because I don't know how he'll respond, but it's bound to be negatively.

Any advice on this?