Returning e-mails? As in, why people let you down.

Post Reply New Topic

If you don't feel like reading my ranting, skip to the last few paragraphs and you'll get the post I originally intended.

Actually, my frustration here is connected with any situation in which you are waiting or depending upon another person to do something they have promised or are obligated to do and they blow it off. I find that the thing is on my mind, nagging at me, sometimes even spoiling my ability to simply live my life for the duration but if I remind people I suddenly am regarded as a pest. It seems there is nothing people resist more than being reminded of what they should have considered high priority themselves.

I have been on the receiving end, someone telling me or reminding me of a thing I need to do that I don't want to do. I do understand how that feels and there are few people more belligerent when pushed than I am. But if I have an obligation involving another person, I feel a particular burden to get it completed. That person is waiting for something I promised them, I tell myself. If I fail to bring something or do something that was my responsibility, I want very much to clear up the matter. It truly bothers me.

What I don't understand is the lack of this in other people. They don't care if they show up late and keep people waiting, or they don't care if you need something from them in order to continue or begin something you need to do. They don't care if they owe you money. They don't care if you're worried. They have their own agenda and you just have to wait. Sometimes this is valid, but here's where it gets really irritating.

A lot of people involve themselves too lightly in some obligation only to find they cannot come through with the goods, but cowardly will not straighten the matter out. I have lost count of how many times I have had someone keep stringing me along only to find out that they had reasons, good or bad, why they had to bow out of or just postpone doing the thing they had promised. Sometimes it's been me personally, sometimes a whole group of people are being inconvenienced. Sometimes people have such a need to volunteer, to be "supportive", that they volunteer for things that they just don't have the time for and return shoddy work for their offering, or keep everyone else hopping to compensate for the many portions of the project they cannot complete.

The most irritating aspect of these things is the childish tendency of these people to not tell anyone what is going on, whether out of lack of respect, fear of tangible or emotional consequences, or a misplaced sense of honor (thinking they'd be falling down on the job if they handed it off to someone better able to complete it). I'm not sure what stupidity training people have had that tells them that other people have so little tolerance as to be totally lacking in understanding of their difficulties... most people have been in situations where they could not do what they intended to do and as such would understand if told in a timely manner and do their best to help. If that's not the case, then I must have been very lucky in the people I know. I do believe that it's still best to come clean as soon as possible and not leave people wondering. They're pretty much guaranteed to be ticked off if you do keep them in the dark, so which is worse?

I have a list of situations where I sat gnashing my teeth in frustration over this sort of thing. One was a long-distance boyfriend who wouldn't admit he wanted to break it off but instead kept dodging my letters. Dodging letters, imagine. He was an idiot (though he hadn't seemed like one at first, in my defense ).

But then there was the grown man who had committed to help with a stupid little stage show thing our church was doing. We were just supposed to get together and paint some sets but he canceled and wouldn't tell us anything for a couple of weeks as time ticked by and the dumb little show got closer (seriously, it wasn't important to me but the people would be wanting their sets). Finally we find out that the guy's mom had died. Now, I guess to most people that would wipe the slate clean. But for me, instead, it was exasperating. He was in charge of the set painting, but a serious family situation had come up. He didn't tell anyone his mom had died, he didn't say he had to beg off helping with the painting, Not so much as a short message. I suppose if he was very distraught, something that stupid wouldn't have been his top priority. I do realize that. Yet, if it was me, I would have just sent word that I couldn't do it. His situation is more sympathetic, though, I admit. I had bottled up frustration from asking what was going on repeatedly without ever having any answer.

Most recently, the situation that set me on this rant: My daughter sold 45 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Whoop-de-doo. But my laziness and general dislike for the whole business, I fear to confess, made me neglect to properly read the e-mail from the lady who was distributing the cookies to the sellers (on a Sunday for some reason. Why does everyone always assume Sunday is a free day for everyone?). So I felt pretty stupid when I showed up late to get the cookies and didn't have my checkbook (since they expect you to pay for them up front. This is a hassle on many levels, forcing the parents to take the heat if the buyer falls through, I imagine, or to run into trouble if your kid doesn't tell them to make the check out to you instead of her troop). Contritely, I came to my daughter's Scout meeting two days later intending to give her the check as intended and was told by the Scout leader that I would have to give it to the woman directly (the money lady is the mother of one of the other girls) but as she wasn't there, I came back a little early at the end of the meeting in order to catch her. She had already left! I sent her an e-mail the following day at the same address she had been using the entire time, but received no answer.

I had also sent an e-mail to the woman who bought the largest number of boxes (and who left no phone number) and received no answer, so I wondered if my e-mail was screwy (even though I'm still getting my usual subscription e-mails and there was only spam in the spam folder) and sent the same notes by another e-mail service. Once more, nothing.

Surely people who were using e-mails freely just a few days before or who saw fit to give an e-mail address instead of a phone number would be people very likely to check their e-mails daily. Surely if the matter is one of financial obligations, they would consider it high priority. After all, there is someone waiting for their response. If it was me, I would be concerned about looking like a deadbeat. I am, actually. I have stressed how much I want to get the money to the one and the cookies to the other. I was civil and polite, after all, you can carefully craft an e-mail before sending it.

And to complicate the matter, the lady who collects the money told us we owed $220, when the total boxes times the $4 cost only adds up to $180. I have a little receipt which clearly states 45 boxes received, $220 owed. All the boxes were in order, in the right flavors ordered. So what gives? Now the previously very involved cookie lady can't be contacted. I haven't called her yet, though; I do have her phone number but I really hate calling people, especially about awkward matters. Where many Aspies have face blindness and I in fact avoid eye contact as much as I can, I still feel better if I can see someone's face, even in glances, while I talk to them. I'll call if I must.

This turned into a rant about this cookie nonsense, but then, it sort of started that way.

But I don't understand these people not responding to my e-mails. I've never had trouble receiving e-mails in the past, so am I to assume that my firewall just suddenly got so uptight that it stopped letting through not only ordinary personal e-mails but even ones that it let through before, on two different e-mail services? All while letting spam into the spam folder, and puzzle shop e-mails and clothing store e-mails and the like to my inbox? And now I have very real doubts about the motives of the money lady. Why are people such slugs?

It could just be a glitch at the computer of the money lady? Or she does not read her email regularly? I know a lot of people that I email and they read it like two weeks later, then they are mad I did not contact them another way. So maybe a call could be a good thing, in case she is that kind of emailer. Or she does not want to put to much time into it, maybe there is another moment you could meet her? But to give the easy answer, THEY need the money, so they will eventually approach you to get it.

To get back to the original problem: I hate participating in money raising actions. There was one at a group I had joined and it was a lot of work. The next year I called someone from the board to ask how much money they got from my actions, then I wired the same amount to the account of the group and refused to take part in the money raising. But that could not be advisable for your daughter, since she needs to learn about the worth of money and the money needed for an activity.