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TheIndignant
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28 Mar 2009, 7:50 pm

Lately, a friend of mine has not been wanting to talk to me at all. I'll greet her, and she'll greet back, but she never bothers to say anything else. But here's the thing I don't get: once another of her friends approaches her and says hi, she talks to them happily, and acts as if I'm not even there. It's as if she doesn't even want me around anymore. What gives? I didn't even do anything wrong to her, or anyone she knows. Could she just be tired of me talking to her, or what?



Tim_Tex
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28 Mar 2009, 7:54 pm

I am in a situation very similar to yours.



Dentu
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28 Mar 2009, 8:03 pm

I've had the same thing happen. I can't really explain it. People just grow apart sometimes, and I'm left with doubts and insecurities. Was it my fault? What did I do? Did something happen to them? Am I being insensitive?

I never really stop. I just start to move on and get used to them not being there.



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29 Mar 2009, 12:21 am

I was friends with a younger girl for about a year. She was my first real friend. But, then she met other friends and she told me I wasn't cool enough to hang out with them anymore. A series of things happened, and I lost my best friend. It was terrible at the time. I was 18, I believe.

I got over it, though. It just took time.


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Rok
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03 Apr 2009, 1:18 pm

i don't understand why people do that. It's one of the key reasons I can't make friends. I always have that subconscious feeling that they're going to deceive me. Just tell yourself that they're the ones missing out on a loyal and great friend. I'm sure it's a true statement, so if you tell yourself that, it doesn't make the pain go away, but it gets me to stop thinking about why they did it and focus on something else. Works for me. Then again, in my case, I can focus on something else and generally tend to space out. Don't know if this helps or not. Probably not :(



redplanet
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03 Apr 2009, 2:05 pm

I've had this happen before, mainly at school. I think some people are unfortunately very shallow, and they reject you as soon as someone they percieve as more interesting comes along. It isn't any reflection on you, but just the lack of depth many people have.



Whitewave
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04 Apr 2009, 3:07 pm

Rok wrote:
i don't understand why people do that. It's one of the key reasons I can't make friends. I always have that subconscious feeling that they're going to deceive me. Just tell yourself that they're the ones missing out on a loyal and great friend. I'm sure it's a true statement, so if you tell yourself that, it doesn't make the pain go away, but it gets me to stop thinking about why they did it and focus on something else. Works for me. Then again, in my case, I can focus on something else and generally tend to space out. Don't know if this helps or not. Probably not :(


This is really interesting. My b/f has a similar experience of predicting something bad. Supposedly Aspies can't "intuit". But they must be experiencing some kind of work-around to intuition, another danger sensing process besides the "normal" one(s).

Methods of stopping the obsessing about why people do mean things are interesting to me. I have similar obsessive tendencies because I suffer from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Once someone's behavior triggers The Thinking, it can take days or even weeks for me to be able to think about anything else. But I have this scruple about telling myself (or them) something that's not completely true just to make myself feel better. I don't like doing it. I resist doing it. Sometimes I do it because I can no longer contain my agony and lash out, but I never feel okay about it. Usually, I feel worse about this than if they say something to me that isn't quite true just to make themselves feel better. I desperately try and find something to say to make all the hurting stop, but it is not always possible. Sometimes my efforts only seem to cause people to become more mean. This is a mystery to me.

I'm seeing a pattern in many of these threads that Aspies interpret alot of NT behavior as "dishonesty" or "deception". This is understandable in a sort of linear, logical kind of way, but isn't quite true. I wonder how this understanding gap can be bridged.

I'm very sorry for your losses and hurt feelings.


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Rok
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04 Apr 2009, 4:29 pm

[quote="WhitewaveI'm seeing a pattern in many of these threads that Aspies interpret alot of NT behavior as "dishonesty" or "deception". This is understandable in a sort of linear, logical kind of way, but isn't quite true. I wonder how this understanding gap can be bridged.[/quote]

In my case, years of being being riddiculed and made fun of in school does that to you.



Whitewave
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04 Apr 2009, 5:02 pm

Yes, I understand, Rok.

There is occasionally life after High School. There are many social scenes which intentionally reinforce and continue the social dynamics of High School in "adult life" but those can be avoided for the most part. Social scenes which are designed to reinforce kindness and intelligence do exist but still you have to find the people who have enough self-awareness to not just talk about things which appeal to you, but talk about them in a way that makes sense to you.

The subtle, unspoken rules of NT'land are a mine-field for you if they have no self-awareness. NT's with no self-awareness don't understand the rules about why they do what they do anymore than you do. Mostly those rules exist below the level of conscious awareness. That's why it seems deceptive to you.


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Dentu
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04 Apr 2009, 5:11 pm

I just figure everyone that lies has a reason for it, even if they themselves don't consciously know. Neurotypicals seem to do it by reflex to certain situations in order to preserve the self, even if, logically speaking, it makes no sense to do so. The aspie subconscious seems more open, so we more quickly realize our illogical impulses and dismiss them. Of course, that open subconscious means we're flooded with all kinds of worries and emotions, but it helps to be truer to the self.



Rok
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04 Apr 2009, 6:29 pm

Whitewave wrote:
Social scenes which are designed to reinforce kindness and intelligence do exist but still you have to find the people who have enough self-awareness to not just talk about things which appeal to you, but talk about them in a way that makes sense to you.


I know there are many social scenes that reinforce kindness and intelligence. I just don't have the willpower or courage to actively search them out, and usually when the scenes arise in my life, I often find myself at a disadvantage because I have no knowledgeable input on the subject they usually talk about. For starters, I was born and raised in the city, and moved to the country after high school. I can't relate to the way people are here...hunting, fishing, etc., and I feel like everything they say I have no comment for. Also, I tend to think alot about what I say for fear of mixing my words up (I do that alot) before I say it, and sometimes I have to speak slow so it comes out correctly, and by the time I do have a comment, they've already moved onto the next topic and I get left looking silly in the process.

I do appreciate your input very much, and I don't mean to sound cynical.



Whitewave
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04 Apr 2009, 7:00 pm

Dentu wrote:
I just figure everyone that lies has a reason for it, even if they themselves don't consciously know. Neurotypicals seem to do it by reflex to certain situations in order to preserve the self, even if, logically speaking, it makes no sense to do so. The aspie subconscious seems more open, so we more quickly realize our illogical impulses and dismiss them. Of course, that open subconscious means we're flooded with all kinds of worries and emotions, but it helps to be truer to the self.


LOL Yeah. You and I do seem to be on the same page here.

I'll come back later and comment.

You too, Rok. I'm guessing you're feeling disappointed and frustrated too.

Blessings on y'all.


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