How to tell my old friend about my Asperger's

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Hi,

I've known this friend of mine for 10 years We hang out 4 times a year, and I've met his parents, sister, and grandparents. We are good friends, but I have problems with being cold to people, being boring, and a bad conversation partner. So he does not enjoy talking to me, and our friendship is mostly activity oriented.

I want to tell him I have Asperger's, but I don't trust that he will be understanding or that he will keep it a secret. He told me the other week, "Jeff, I am dying to know about your dating life." I avoided the question, and he replied, "What? You have not dated AT ALL?" I avoided the question again. So how should I tell him about my AS, and if at all.

First of all, you say he is a good friend, but then you say you don't trust him - I'm not sure how both those statements can be true.

Personally, I don't believe in disclosing my AS to anyone I don't trust. So far, that policy hasn't posed any problems. With the vast majority of people, it has been enough to focus on the specific characteristics, as they become an issue. Most people respect my feelings - as long as I communicate to them how I feel. It doesn't matter *why* I feel the way I do.

I have disclosed to a few good friends - but these are people I am certain won't betray my trust.

Anyone else who asks me about my dating life - I tell them the truth, without going into unnecessary detail.

"Are you dating anyone?"
"No."
"What? You have not dated AT ALL?"
"No, I haven't."

If it doesn't end there & they push me for details as to why - I tell them that I really don't have the opportunity to meet single women & I don't feel comfortable dating a woman I don't know.

I guess you just have to ask yourself how you will feel if you disclose to your friend & he fails to keep your confidence, or uses the information against you at some point. If he's really a good friend, he should be worthy of your trust.

Also, consider that even if he is trustworthy - it might take some time for this new knowledge to sink in. Lots of people have trouble understanding that AS isn't a mental illness, but more of an alternate wiring for your brain that causes you to interact with the world a bit differently from neuro-typical people. And "Asperger's Syndrome" is just a name that helps to describe the way you've always been.

He might have any number of different reactions before he arrives at acceptance - and it might take him seconds, or it might take him days to arrive at that point. Just be prepared for things like disbelief, anger, or lots of questions.

When I've run into people I know from a while back it's often the first thing I tell them. I'm pretty sure there isn't a person I've met that hasn't asked themselves "What's wrong with that guy's brain?" So having an answer to that puts anything stupid I've done or said in context.
Although my situation is different in that while I was liked well enough by these people, not enough to see them more than once every few years, so really I have nowhere to go but up with these people. It's not really possible to see them less so I have nothing to lose. I can't say if you do.

I have a policy of "selective disclosure".

I only tell people who won't misunderstand it, and get defensive around me. Which is...very few people.

My immediate family, and other people who have AS.

There are friends that I do "trust" with other things. But for issues like this, not all of them will "get it". Some might try and deflect, and pretend that I'm joking. Some might become more distant. It's just less difficult on everyone if I keep my mouth shut about AS, and just apologize everytime I do something wrong.

If anything, the ones who have a "little bit of knowledge" are the most troublesome. They are typically the ones that either:

A) Deflect, and say that you don't have it, because "I work with autistic children, and you're nothing like them!"

B) Believe you, and treat you like you're incapable of handling yourself.