Modus Vivendi

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I hope my Latin title is spelled right and not too obscure.

From the wikipedia web site:
-- "Modus means mode, way.
-- Vivendi means of living.
-- Together, way of living,
-- implies an accommodation between disputing parties to allow life to go on."

"Disputing" is perhaps too strong a word in this application, I would prefer to substitute "conflicting"

The idea for this thread grew out of the thread about "Would you Take the Cure" at http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf100605-0-30.html

The question I wish to pose is:
"What can an Aspie do to make life easier for family members, be they NT or Aspie?"

I suppose this should also include others that we live with, such as roommates, but mostly I think the longer term family relationships are more important.

I was once told by a co-worker that I was not all that bad, once one got to know me, and especially if I could be taken in small doses.
So as I see it, part of being better to my family members, (i.e. Wife and Children), is to do what I can to make sure that they do know (understand) me. But unfortunately, from my co-worker's point of view, my family probably ends up having to take me in larger doses than anybody else. Trying to be an Aspie dad and husband is not the easiest thing to do well. Of course the thread should also include the case of the Aspie mom and wife and Aspie children trying to be good children and siblings.

Last edited by outlander on 07 Jun 2009, 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm looking forward to reading others posts here. My relationship is something I treasure and I want to maintain.

What I've found is that remembering to... uh-oh... get off the computer and spend some face time with the one I love is really important. It's tough when I feel mentally crunched about something, like right now, but it makes a big difference.

Being willing to go out to movies, theater, etc occasionally helps too. Though I draw the line at mariachi concerts. Yikes!

I have to admit, when I read your wife's response in the other thread I felt a short spike of anger (which in itself is a surprise).

But I'll stick to this thread's question. (and I'm also quite eager to read others posts)

I'm still a relatively new aspie, having been diagnosed early this year. So I'm still trying to figure things out myself and once I do I'll explain it to my family, until then I've asked them to leave me alone for the most part.
While I do value my family, I find it difficult to define my relationship with each person. I used to take a submissive stand, never asking for favours, reluctantly accepting help when given and always willing to help them out. Needless to say this caused some tension when I had reached my fill because I'm not submissive by nature and could end up resenting them.

I've also found that I function best when I see them in smaller doses, I'm in a better mood and have more energy to interact with them when I don't have to be around them all day, every day.
The problem is that I hardly ever leave the house except for grocery shopping and walks and my family aren't much different, so there was almost constant tension from my part.
I've dealt with this by shifting my sleeping pattern according to duties. I'm nocturnal by default and shift when there's something that requires my attention or presence during the day. By doing this I've heavily reduced interaction between me and my family, at first I felt it was doing the job but recently I've found that some members of my family have come to resent me for some reason and I'm lost as to the reason for their resentment.

When I figure it out I'll post here again.

They probably feel like you're shunning them--you are--and in general people respond very badly to that. Aspies and NTs. It hurts.

In an odd sort of way, they're letting you know they miss you.

Both Donkey Buster and I had some variant of the same reaction, but that is not all bad. One cannot be inoffensive if one does not know that offense is being caused to others. From what I have seen of Aspies here and elswhere, for the most part we do not want to cause offense, but we often don't know when we do. If we adopt the theme of this Web Site "Wrong Planet" it is like we are ambassadors from another planet who have an imperfect understanding of the natives here. A successful ambassador tries to give no offense. We need feedback on how others perceive us, and as Aspies, we often miss that. So I take the comment my wife made as a sincere but frustrated attempt to communicate rather than as any desire to force a so-called cure.

Your journey has started. Who was the ancient philosopher who said "The unexamined life is not worth living"? You now have more tools to examine your life, and that is a good thing. You are also this site where you will find those with more understanding to share with you, and that is a good thing too.

And if they show the same sort of intellect that you do, they will probably be much more comfortable around you and better able to interact with you.

All in all this looks positive for you and your family, Please feel free to come back and share anything you find that works for you.

Yeah, that "smaller doses" thing seems to be generally useful. For some of us, knowing when to withdraw is a little hard to gage as picking up social cues from NT's is not our forte.
Well that certainly is a common problem, and even more so in a dense urban area. I find it useful to look for situations for breif one on one friendly encounters with neighbors when they are not too busy. One on one or two without lots of other human activity close at hand seems to work well and be productive and instructive for me.
Yes! Pleas do