How independent is your child?

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Hi everyone,

I was wondering how much household/personal stuff other people do for their children, and how independent their children are?

I'm in the habit of doing heaps for my 7 year old (AS), but recently I've realised that he is capable of being more independent.

For example, I was always getting him cups of water because he's not very coordinated, but now I've taught him to go to the sink and fill up a cup himself, (this is small but a big achievement ).

We are getting DS into the habit of 'making' his bed - that's putting the doona and pillow back onto the bed, not keeping them on the floor.

I really try not to put his socks on for him, (he finds this tricky), and I'm letting him try to squeeze the toothpaste onto his toothbrush himself. This is actually quite hard for him, because he either has to squeeze the toothpaste with one hand while the other one holds the toothbrush - and DS isn't very strong, or put the toothbrush down and squeeze with both hands but he can often miss the toothbrush. Anyway, he's working on it.

And the most challenging task of all is getting dry and dressed after swimming. (I finally figured out that if he doesn't wear one of those swimming tops and he wears speedos, then the whole process is easier).

I was wondering about other people? (I'm hoping to get a few more ideas ).

Thanks for any replies ,

Temma

Actually, my 9 year old is at the exact level of your 7 year old!! !
Part of it is me - but part of it is not. He is now getting his own water - yes, it is a big achievement! (at first he didn't know which glass to take.)
He can't seem to get his clothes on the right way round, and runs into all kinds of other problems.
The first time I sent him out with the trash he got really upset - stood there for 5 minutes, till I went to get him, cause he didn't know what trash can to put the rubish in (there are several identical bins). Sad but a little funny.

On the other hand, he can make pancakes himself, because a teacher taught him too with visualisation. It amazes me, so I know that "every thing is possible" if you know the right way of going about it.

It's an funny thing, autism!

My 10 year old son is not very independent, certainly not when compared to others his age, but he is coming along. I've found that I have to let him acquire these skills at his own pace, but to keep opening the doors. Throwing out the occassional, "why don't you ....?" and see what happens. Now he gets his own snacks, and answers the telephone. Teeth brushing is still a nighmare, and whether or not he is willing to walk ahead to get to school on time when his younger sister is being difficult is still about 50/50.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 24 Mar 2008, 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's funny because I was thinking about this today in the context of homeschooling; how we have lots of time.

My son is 8 years and 8 months old. He has certain AS difficulties/differences, incl language/speech, certain motor skills, and issues around changes, surprises, no limits etc. And some sensory stuff.

In the last year he has made great strides in several areas. ( not the telephone though )

He now has an independent evening routine, where he brushes his teeth on his own, brushes his hair, makes his bed, a bit like your's, Temma, , and gets his own night drink. He also stays up after I've said goodnight to read or play, until his alarm clock goes off, ( set at 21.30) and he goes to bed within the next 20 minutes or so, after a last visit to the loo if necessary.

He picked all this up in stages, one or two things added at a time. Now all I do is start him off, saying, "oh look it's 20.00, "bednighting" time". It takes him about 25 minutes on average, and then I go up for goodnight cuddles.

Also he now gets his supper for himself. 18 months, even a year, ago he was too anxious to open cupboards most of the time, or open jars, pour himself juices, spread his own peanut buttter or whatever. Now he happily potters around the kitchen area gathering stuff and preparing combinations. He has got the hang of knives, and lids, and packet-fasteners, and quantities, which he seemed to find difficult/threatening before.

But I have realised that the most precious, invaluable, essential factor in all this is time. If there is any rush, any stress, any pressure, any need to do it fast, he starts to ask for help, blocks, starts to jump up and down and yell, etc. So for instance to get ready for fencing and karate for instance, I allow masses of time, will start him off on preparation at least 45 minutes before hand, ( for teeth, face/ear wash, etc) and much earlier if there are smelly feet to soak, or nails to cut.

Another big plus in this little village in the countryside is I can let him run to the postbox at the corner with his correspondence course work, earn some money taking a DVD back to the rental place in the little square 100 metres away, even, on bold brave occasions go as far as the deli in the mini high street and buy potato pancakes.

It is so safe here; people recognise him. He knows them, even if he doesn't say a word other than an english accented "merci" at end of transaction. He was very proud the other week when he took back a DVD and the guy was there and asked if I had liked the film, and my son was able to say "Ca va"/"Ok"! !

Last edited by ouinon on 24 Mar 2008, 4:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PS: Until less than a year ago I was still getting him his drinks, brushing his hair, putting on most of his clothes, preparing all meals for him, supervising entire processes.

Time is crucial. In fact I realise that I am terrified at what would happen if we didn't have all this time.

My son (11) is getting more and more independent. He is pretty high functioning and we've never had too many problems with day to day things. I've always done a lot of repetition, instruction and reinforcement when learning anything new. He's always been able to dress, shower, brush, etc. on his own. Since we started homeschooling I've been letting him cook certain things on his own. He can do eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches & can follow a recipe - I'm teaching him how to do laundry. I'm having him fold laundry with me and he does yard work with us and takes out the garbage. He does put himself to bed - he wants to do this - doesn't want us to "tuck him in" anymore. He will come downstairs and say goodnight to us.

It is a beautiful thing to see your child able to things for himself and I think it's misguided for parents to NOT teach them - I see many adults (mostly NTs) who can't fend for themselves and still require someone to constantly help them when they are more than capable of doing it on their own. I guess it's just the way I was raised -my parents did do things for us but at a developmentally appropriate age we were taught how to do basic household tasks. I tell my son that I am not his waitress or his servant so if he wants something I will not go fetch it.

It always takes more time and patience to teach them something. My son recently washed dishes -there weren't many of them and it took him FOREVER- it drove me crazy but he did them and enjoyed it. We can work on speed later

Of course he is still 11 and has a severe case of "the absent minded professor" syndrome. He is often not aware that he is wearing his shirt backwards or that he is wearing no underwear!

i've always raised all my children to be as independent as they can be........my son is fairly high-functioning, and we never thought much about changing expectations for him until after his dx at age 13 when we were asked by his therapist to temporarily lower our expectations for son-they were too high and causing son a tremendous amount of stress..... son would really like for everyone to do everything for him.....at this point in time, he is capable of doing lots of things independently....that's certainly not saying that he actually does these things independently

Depends on the day with j as to how much he can/will do for himself.

He can dress himself mostly with reminders and supervision.

Bathing= him sitting in the bath or playing in the bath, I either have to tell him bit by bit what to wash or do it for him.

I used to let him brush his teeth on his own (he just needed reminding) however since reading smelena's post and getting the tablets she mentions I have gone back to doing this myself with him finishing off.

He puts his shoes on himself (my older son has tied the laces in a way that J can just slide his foot in)

Getting drinks he can do mostly for himself, provided the bottle he is pouring the drink out of isnt to heavy/full. He does try to get me to do this tho.

Making a simple sandwich= loads of butter, loads of peanut butter or vegimite plus broken bread. His co ordination isn't good.

He tries to make his bed when I ask him to this = the douna on top of the bed and the pillows pretty much where they should be.

J has the regular job of feeding the cat- he has to be told each day to do this or puss goes hungry. Puss sometimes gets lucky and gets the whole can dumped in his dish occasionally the cat food doesn't even make the dish but gets dumped on the floor.

J needs lots of supervision and reminders and will often get distracted by something in the middle of doing something else.

My son is considerably younger than all of your children, but overall, he's very independent. He often gets an attitude when people try to do things for him he can do himself and tells you, "If I want your help I'll ask for it." We've had to tell him to watch his mouth a few times. And, in public, he'll yank away from you if you try to guide him or something like he's embarrassed. "Mom! Dad!" We get that a lot.

His independent is the result of serious EI.

He's still very young, but two areas we're working on are tying shoelaces and buttoning tight button holes. We tell him he can't walk around with his fly open.

My 7 year old Aspie is more independent than his 9 year old brother.

My 7 year old can get himself dressed for school but is hopeless at organising his bag .... I still have to closely supervise him packing and unpacking his lunch and books or it doesn't get done.

My 9 year old can't get dressed without close supervision. He is so distractable and will become absorbed in another activity and forget. He used to get distracted with the drawstings on his shorts. He would roll them up .... then down .... then up .... then down .... You get the idea.

My 9 year old can't organise breakfast. I have to closely supervise him. Again he becomes distracted and is in his own world.

Absolutely. I have to start my 9 year old getting ready for Taekwondo about 45 - 60 minutes before or he won't do it.

It's amazing how my 9 year old really struggles with being independent in personal care. But he's incredible at school. He gets all his work done first and accurately and asks the teacher for more work.

He can do anything on the computer: e-mails, taught himself Windows movie-maker. He's been able to log onto the internet and google since he was 4. He can spend all day on WrongPlanet posting if he wants.

Next term at school they're learning website design. I'm looking forward to this so he can give me more help with my website.

Helen

Daughter is 11 and does well on her own in all areas. Up until she was around 8 - I was doing most everything for her. Lack of coordination was a big factor why I did a lot for her - until I realized that I needed help and she was at "that age".
She gets up on her own, showers, dresses,fixes her own breakfast, washes her morning dishes, feeds the animals and gets herself on the bus.
She cooks with us when she isn't bogged down with homework (that she does with little prompting) and can cook a few things by herself.
She has chores (dishes, sweeping the kitchen) that she does every day and then helps with the weekly house work (laundry, vacuuming, dusting) and she also helps out with all the gardening and yard work.
She does a lot around the house along with her academics - we know that she needs to keep busy - and the house is at peace with everyone is keeping busy together.

There are some things she does have trouble with like - Eating - she can take up to an hour to dinner. I still have to cut some of her meats. She does have some problems with some fine motor skills and I cringe every time I see her with a knife trying to cut food.
She tries her best with combing her head of curly hair and I usually give it a good comb out once a week. Folding laundry is difficult. And like ouinon mentioned - the telephone.
All these things are just taking a little more time and eventually she will master them all.