Pretty Girl .... A Rant

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Growing up, my sister (2 years younger, NT) was always considered "the pretty sister" and I was always "the smart sister". To be honest, never hearing I was pretty gave me a massive inferiority complex. Even at almost 20 years old, I still feel as if I will never "measure up" to my sister.

Now my sister exploits the fact that she's the "pretty one". She could care less about being smart. I like being considered smart, but I still wish I'd been told as a child, even once, that I was pretty.

I relate. . .

but more importantly, I think it's kind of sad. After all, when's the last time you saw a little kid who honestly wasn't beautiful?

I wish my mother was a 'little' like this, because to her 'sons' are all that matter, she doesn't get the fact that when you are pregnant, girls can come out too, if everyone had sons, then where are girls gonna come from? Who are the sons gonna marry?

Anyway.... my brother has 2 children, a girl who is 7, a boy who is 4 and a baby is on the way. While my mother was dissapointed when the first child was a girl, she still loved her, and does the 'pretty girl' thing when she is in dresses (she did the same to me when I was 7), but now that she has a grandson, he is getting all of the attention.

My mother is really wants me to have kids now, she looks at baby clothes and says 'wouldn't your son look great in this?' I just want to scream sometimes!

Ooh. 'Pretty' for me is a very loaded term.

I got called pretty by my dad when I was born, apparently, but never much after that. Nobody ever actually said I wasn't, at that age, but when I heard people using it about other little girls, I used to wonder. I didn't start getting the insults about 'you're not a proper girl because you can't be bothered to spend time on your appearance' till later.

I would love to have been praised for smarts - I was a smart kid - but I only ever got negatives. You ask too many questions. You're too clever. Put that book down and go and do something to your hair. I also would love to have gotten some recognition for my creativity, but all I got was told to stop making a mess. It's definitely damaging to pick up on the one 'talent' a child doesn't possess as the only thing you'll consider praising them for - especially when that's looks.

For me, now, the word 'pretty' fits into a whole constellation of ideas: blonde, pale-skinned, graceful, quiet, delicately built, fussy décor, frilly frocks (it may or may not be significant that I coveted a frilly, sparkly party frock, like many small girls, but was never allowed to wear one). As I entered my teens, in fact, I grew to hate the word and the whole steretypically feminine thing it stood for. (Huge arguments over 'pretty' flowery wallpaper. Was anyone else terrified of floral prints, by the way? I kept seeing weird scary faces in them!)

'Beautiful', for me, is much more wide-ranging, and can fit a whole range of ideas. It's also an easier term to use for men and boys, and always perfectly acceptable for babies of either sex - after all, very early on you're just flattering the parents, and the kid doesn't understand. But to call an older child 'beautiful' is still focusing on looks in what I think is an unhealthy way - if a child fits your idea of beauty at that age, it's most likely genetic luck of the draw. And praising a child for anything in front of another child - sibling, cousin, whatever - that you fail to praise, seems to be asking for trouble.

Also I don't understand the logic of calling her a "clever girl" randomly unless she's done something clever. It would just confuse the child.