how fam. can help 27 yr old aspie sister...

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I've only started posting today. Long story short, after consulting with medical professionals and counselors, my family and I are in agreement that my older sister has AS. While this has changed how we interact with and understand her, we have not discussed the possibility of AS with her up to this point. However, her AS heavily impacts her ability to do well at work. This clearly upsets her and undermines her self-esteem. She's always had difficulty holding down various part-time jobs-- things always start well, but then the managers get frustrated with her and she ends up being "let go." We want her to be independent and able to support herself, esp. because we don't entirely trust her husband's ability to provide for her. (She's in her late 20s, newly married, and is almost done with an online degree in christian ministry.) She desperately wants to be independent and able to support herself, too-- I think it's because she feels like at her age, she should be. So here's my questions---

1. Should we talk to her about AS? How can we do this without my familly coming off as saying "there's something wrong with you."? Obviously we would start by saying it's a possibility and we'd like her to see a professional to be diagnosed. The problem is that she's had so much trouble and been diagnosed with so many things over the years (bi-polar, depression, anxiety, etc.), that now that I think we actually know what it is, I'm afraid she'll be very upset and possibly hurt by yet another diagnosis now that life seems to be going ok for her (with the exception of work). The goal is to help her and show that the family loves and supports her, of course.

1.a. There are support groups for adults with AS in our area. Should we (the family) utilize this resource, and if so, how? Should we encourage her to check it out? Are these groups usually beneficial?

2. How can we encourage her in her career-- i.e., how to talk to her managers about her differences, which careers she should pursue after she graduates, etc.? (Her degree will be in christian ministry and she wants to care for and counsel people.) She wants so badly to be independent and live on her own, etc. I feel like if her employers knew how she was different and that it wasn't that she was a bad worker, it might help her in this aspect of her life.

3. What else can we do to help her? My mother and I have become very frustrated by the lack of info. out there on adult aspies-- and disappointed by the lack of advocacy groups to help aspies with job counseling, etc. Any good websites with info for ADULT aspies?

Thanks so much for your help!

You ask for a good website that provide support and help? You are visiting one of the best ones here. To get your sister into looking at the possibility of Aspergers, you might try putting yourself in a situation where you are visiting an Aspergers test site when she comes into the room. You can then say something along the lines of, "Hey Sis, check this out."

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Tell her! Tell her now!

Ok, well you can wait till morning, but then tell her!

If you think she is wierd then she knows that she is weird. Being able to understand that you arent just some crazy mentally deficient person is very comforting. It helps to know that there are other people out there who are just like you. Its also good to know that your like this from birth. It helps when you can blame genetics for your problems instead of yourself.

Plus, if she really has AS, then this is a great place to talk about it and learn coping strategies.

the reality is, she's 27.....there's only so much you can do without her consent.......i would not talk to her boss. this is her decision to make-does she share the dx with her boss, or work on learning coping skills for the dx ?....besides, you say yourself that you're not certain this is even her dx....

if she's willing to listen, you & your mom can begin to discuss AS with her. get books on the subject. try to see if she'll agree to yet another diagnostic test.....

definitely check out your local AS support group.

I agree with Ster. She is 27 and, also married. Are they living on their own as a couple? or do they live with relatives?

What are the consequences when she loses a job? It sounds like you are doing a lot of thinking about her work situation. Does she?

I've discovered that most AS find it a relief to realize they are AS. It answers so many questions they have had all their lives.

And, honestly, I think once those questions are answered for your sister, SHE will be able to make decisions on the other things you have concerns about. These are her steps to take, IMHO. Be there to help when she asks you to, and to provide support when she desires it, but allow her to lead.

Frankly, it is unconscionable that you should even CONSIDER talking to her associates/friends/etc... about the POSSIBILITY of AS. Talk to HER, and simply let her know about it. As for what she can do, that is up to HER.

2ukenkerl, I don't think that 3fishes was planning on talking to the sister's manager -- they were just saying that if their sister KNEW she had AS, then SHE would be able to talk to them herself, and maybe iron out some of the problems she is having ahead of time.

I'm adding a voice to the 'Tell her!' crowd... If she looks into it and stuff starts falling into place for her, it will be for the best. Maybe you can have the list of symptoms and go down it one by one, just chatting, like. But I agree, I don't think you should mention it to anybody else before you mention it to her. Knowing that this is what's up instead of all the depression/bi-polar/anxiety stuff explains a lot of stuff. I was just diagnosed at 23 after all that stuff and i'm not kidding, it's a huge relief to have an explanation for all this stuff that was a bit weird but didn't factor in with the stuff the psychiatrists were saying before. For me, it was a big shock to finally find out (it was frustrating that it's something I'm stuck with) but it's kinda boosted my self esteem a lot to know that there is actually something causing my brain to not quite work as planned. Best wishes, whatever you choose.

Aeth xx

You dont say "we know whats wrong with you". You phrase it as "we know why you are different."

The former is a personal attack, the latter is supportive.

Woah. Y'all sound very enmeshed. Where's her H in all this?

Family shouldn't tell her, I don't think. Has she gone to these doctors, or are you all just getting committee opinions?

_She_ should go to the doctor. If she gets a formal diagnosis, the doctors can tell her in private, and answer any questions she might have.

It's nice that you want to help, but the way you're going at it, she's serving as a bonding topic for you and your mother. If she stopped being your problem, you'd have to face other stuff. That's a powerful hindrance to her actually getting help.