On another site, I also do rap battles. Don't get me wrong, I generally dislike rap (with few excetptions) but I like the use of puns to insult others, many aspies like puns so... yeah. Anyways, I felt like quitting for various reasons, but before I did, I decided I'd tell them about who I really am (firstly as I felt I owe it to them for the good times and secondly to stop me from battling me there again as people could diss (insult in rap form) me on what I said meaning I'd get ripped apart. Now, previously there, people have dissed someone's dad walking out on them, someone's grandad dying and all kinds of immensely harsh stuff, so you can imagine what response was gonna be made, right?
Well, chances are you imagined wrong. I sure as hell did. I got it off my chest to the people I wanted to know the least (though admittedly me quitting made the consequences less bad than before) and I felt damn good about it, and it seemed many had a positive attitude towards autism (in fact, with one of them there I knew for a while he has aspergers). Two nights ago I had an epiphany of sorts, I realised my insecurities, I realised why I tend to insult my male friends and try to stay somewhat distant from any friends, I realised that hell, I have been a prick to almost everyone I know. I mentioned in the romantic relationships forum that if there's a female who looks like a nice person or is a nice person, I want to hug them, just to be nice. Sounds odd, I know, but I figured out the reason I want to hug them is that whether due to appearance or pesonality I don't feel threatened by them, as opposed to most people who I find intimidating. With males, they tend to be less predictable and more aggressive so I have a harder time trusting them and also, if I get too close I get accusations of being gay, since I'm hardly the most masculine bloke around. I keep them friends on some level by using humour in insults since I don't know any joks (but CHRIST can I make witty insults! thats another reason I did rap battles) but insulted them to avoid getting close (which is completely unfair on them). Likewise, I don't get too close to females as they may think im perving over them. In the space of 10 minutes when I couldnt get asleep thursday night, I might have changed my life. Probably for the first time ever considering im a miserable sod, that night I must have smiled for half an hour straight, smiling for 5 seconds is rare for me.
Yeah, I feel I'm making progress with myself. I know this isn't much of a topic as there is little to discuss but damn it I needed to vent, haha. I also thought it might be interesting to see how even the harshest people seem tolerant of autism.
edit: on the same site linked to above, I wrote little rap about thinking in pictures
07 Jan 2006, 5:04 am
